This will happen one day...

Frank Breaker

More Crazy Sue

Referring to marriage
Crazy Sue: "If you get married I want your wife to call me "mom". I don't want her calling me Mrs. P because then my grandchildren will call me Mrs. P too."

Buying a laptop at best buy
Crazy Sue: "I want one with a keyboard attached to it."

At the mall
Crazy Sue: "I'm at fairview. Can you goggle and see if the Rogers is still in the mall? ... Goggle, google whatever. Same thing."

Cleaning the house
Crazy Sue: "Don't make a mess. This house needs to be clean by the time the cleaning lady gets here. I don't want her thinking we're messy people."

Drinking alcohol
Crazy Sue: "That's crazy! You can't get drunk off of wine."

Referring to a member of her choir
Crazy Sue: "She's lucky she has big breasts because she can't sing very well."

Referring to my youngest sister
Crazy Sue: "When she was a child I would've taken a bullet for her. Now that shes grown I want to shoot her."

Regarding me mentioning that I quote her
Crazy Sue: "Don't quote what I say. If you quote what I say you'll be in big shit. And you can quote me on that."

Referring to MAJOR fire at my apartment (I called crazy sue to tell her as it was happening)
Crazy Sue: *to my sister* "He says his apartment's on fire. It's probably just burnt toast in his toaster."
Meanwhile I was outside my apartment with an entire squad of firemen

Intelligence
Crazy Sue: Just when I thought you were as brilliant as me you go and say something that shows how unsmart you are."

Regarding a childhood dream of becoming an astronaut
Crazy Sue: "If you get hurt in space you'll probably die."

Our family dog
Crazy Sue: "Put Snowy in the oven please."
She meant to say "cage" but never corrected herself.

Referring to a computer technician
Crazy Sue: "Try and stand between us my nose is sensitive today and his breath smells like he shit his pants.

Plastic surgery
Crazy Sue: "I'm going in for botox. They should probably give me a frequent flyer card."

Work issues
Crazy Sue: "I found a solution to the attendance problem. I thought about it all night. And on the toilet this morning."

Guilt trip
Crazy Sue: "I never try to make my children feel guilty. The fact that you think that really hurts my feelings."

Frank Breaker

Crazy Sue

Have you ever heard someone say something so outlandish that you actually had to sit down? This morning I have been inspired. My mom says some really stupid shit sometimes and I have decided to give her her own segment on the Vag called Crazy Sue.

Referring to an employee of ours who passed out at work
Crazy Sue: "yeah she fainted but she regained consciousness! Why would they call an ambulance? They should've just put her in a taxi. If we call 911 too many times and it turns out there is no emergency they won't come anymore."

Lemons for caesar salad
Crazy Sue: "Can you believe my son wants me to throw out these lemon wedges because I got a little blood from the steaks on them? That's crazy talk."
The steaks were raw.

Dining out
Crazy Sue: *complaining to waiter* "I ordered my steak medium rare."
Waiter: "You have to actually cut into the steak ma'am."

Smoke detectors
Me: "I'm going to put them up tonight. What do you think?"
Crazy Sue: *farts* "That's what I think."

Hydro Quebec customer service
Crazy Sue: "It was one of those automated phone calls I hate talking to recordings so I hung up."
Me: "It wasn't a recording mommy it was a person. I was the one who answered the phone and passed it to you."
Crazy Sue: "Well it's not my fault. They shouldn't hire people who sound like gay robots."

Her new samsung phone
Crazy Sue: "You would like this phone! It even has an Ipod in it."

Referring to my 3 year old cousin
Crazy Sue: "I have never had so much love for a child in my life!"
Me: "You do realize you have 3 children of your own right?"

Apartment rentalCrazy Sue: "I just don't want to rent to any french people ok? French people don't like to pay rent."

Dinner party
Crazy Sue: All my friends were talking about their sons as teenagers. All I could say was up until my son was 12 years old I thought he was gay because he never brought a girl home for dinner."

Footwear
Crazy Sue: "I really don't like it when I make the effort to buy new shoes and no one compliments me on them."

Cruise ship
Crazy Sue: *loudly* "This deck looks like a floating walmart."

Patio door
Crazy Sue: "The lock been broken for days and dad still hasn't fixed it. I don't understand why simple repairs take him years to do! What if someone breaks in and has their way with me while he's out of town?"

Referring to a friend of mine we ran into in the mall
Crazy Sue: *whispering loudly* "Her bum is so big! They would love her in the islands."

Referring to an employee of ours who called her about an issue at work
Crazy Sue: "I know she has her rights I just wish she would express her right to shut the fuck up."

Tea
Crazy Sue: "I created you so you should make me a cup of tea."

My dad and his friend
Crazy Sue: "Dad's having dinner with Pete. It's good to see him with a friend... Probably wont last though."

Referring to my sister leaving rotten food in my moms fridge
Crazy Sue: "Why does she waste so much? Food doesn't grow on trees damnit!"

Frank Breaker

shit pizza experience

WTF IS THIS FUCKERY?! Check out how my pizza arrived tonight. Unsliced!!!! Who does that shit? At first I thought they forgot to cut it cause they were really busy in the kitchen but then I remembered the delivery guy gave me a bit of attitude. Now I'm thinking the dude was at the restaurant and told the cook "fuck that guy he doesn't tip enough so he doesn't deserve to have his meal sliced into convenient portions the fat bastard is gonna probably eat the whole thing anyways so leave it in one piece so he burns himself on the scalding hot cheese."

Well fuck you too you shit delivery bastard! When I called I don't remember asking for an extra topping of hate.

I originally considered folding the pizza over and eating it like a giant taco but then I came to my senses, got off the couch and got a fork and knife.

*EDIT: the goddamn pizza crust was burnt. Fuck that restaurant.

Frank Breaker

Frank Breaker

Ask Frank

Hey Frank - How can I tell what gender my parrot is?
Penny

Dear Penny,
Take it out to dinner and pay attention to which bathroom it uses.

Hey Frank - Do atheists fear God?
Jackie

Dear Jackie,
Do christians fear Zeus ?

Hey Frank - Background for the movie the matrix?
Martine

Dear Martine,
That's almost a question...

Hey Frank - My parents are always making stuff up. Yesterday we had "the talk" about sex and they told me I can get pregnant even if I'm on top. Bullshit right? What should I do?
Alex

Dear Alex,
I think you should tell your parents you're adopted.

Hey Frank - If you could be a girl for a day what would you do?
Lisa

Dear Lisa,
First thing I would get on my knees and pray I don't get my period that day.

Hey Frank - Why do girls have shiny lips and men dont? If you look at their lips in the light they reflect like a mirror!!!!!!!!
Jerome

Dear Jerome,
It's because lips turn smooth after so many blowjays.

Hey Frank - Why do they put seeds in grapes
Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,
Who is they???

Hey Frank - How do I stop moaning during sex? My boyfriend says I'm really loud and I don't want his roomates to hear.
Kelly

Dear Kelly, 
Tell your boyfriend to tightly hold a pillow over your face. Tell him to keep it there and he shouldn't worry if you start to struggle - its just the moans trying to escape your body.

Hey Frank - Why don't we see bats during the day?
Bill

Dear Bill
The reason why we don't see them during the day is because technically bats are werepigeons. You never see a bat and a pigeon at the same time do you?
Source(s) X-Files. 

Hey Frank - Ive been reading your posts and I wonder - are you ignorant or just apathetic?
Janet

Dear Janet,
I dont know and I dont care.

Hey Frank - Does Barack Obama fart?
Jimmy

Dear Jimmy, 
Yes he does and they smell like hope.

Hey Frank - Does gin really kill insects?
Beth

Dear Beth, 
Yes because it eventually destroys their small livers. It also prevents them from holding down steady jobs and wrecks their families.

Hey Frank - My tv wont turn off! Ive pushed the on/off button hundreds of times and even unplugged it. What do I do?
Joe

Dear Joe, 
The only way to stop it is to kill it. Get a pistol and shoot it.

Hey Frank - What are the little bumps on a girls nipples?
Dave

Dear Dave, 
They are an instruction manual in braille for blind people detailing secrets on how to truly pleasure a woman.

Hey Frank - I'm scared of going down on a woman. Is pussy juice bad for you?
Mathew

Dear Mathew, 
Studies show that a teaspoon of PJ per day can potentially extend your life by 2 years.

Hey Frank - Whats a good nickname for the name Ruby there are no nicknames can you think of one?
Ruby

Dear Ruby,
Marge is a good nickname for Ruby.

Hey Frank - Can you lose your virginity if you fall?
Katherine

Dear Katherine,
Not unless you fall on a  penis.

Hey Frank - If the universe was created by the big bang what was there before? 
Walt

Dear Walt,
The big blowjay.

Hey Frank - Is it true Michael Jackson was in a band back in the day?
James

Dear James,
Yes. He was in a band called the Jackson 5. I don't think they were very popular though... in fact I doubt they even made it out of their parents basement. 

Frank Breaker

Some people need to get kicked in the teeth 3

Raisin cookies that look like chocolate chip cookies need to get kicked in the teeth.

Asshole drivers who tail gate need to get kicked in the teeth.

People who send forwards without bothering to delete thousands of accumulated ">"s, other email addresses, headers and commentary from all the other forwarders need to get kicked in the teeth.

Middle aged men with outfits you're only supposed to see at assassins conventions need to get kicked in the teeth.

People who chew with their mouths open need to get kicked in the teeth.

People who give fruitcake as gifts need to get kicked in the teeth. Get a job and buy me a real present cheapskate.

People who pronounce "film" with 2 syllables need to get kicked in the teeth.

That small line of dirt that wont go in the dust pan when you're sweeping needs to get kicked in the teeth.

Waiters/waitresses who ask if you want to hear the specials and proceed to belt out 20 items without noticing that you've lost interest after the third item need to get kicked in the teeth.

People who stare me down in horror (like they just found a body in my trunk) when I don't recycle a few cans need to get kicked in the teeth. I didnt ruin the environment - my parents did. Go judge them and leave me in peace.

Companies who don't list their prices on their websites need to get kicked in the teeth.

Middle aged Quebecois dudes with hairstyles you're only supposed to see at orgies need to get kicked in the teeth. This includes balding men with pony tails, mullets, perms, etc.

People who "shush" other people need to get kicked in the teeth. Don't tell me to shush - you shush fuckface.

People who draw cartoon characters having sex need to get kicked in the teeth. I don't need to see bart simpson sticking it to marge while homer jacks off in the corner.

People who ask "hot enough for you?" need to get kicked in the teeth.

People who push religion door to door need to get kicked in the teeth.

People who ask "are you cold" when you wear your jacket inside need to get kicked in the teeth.

My drivers license photo needs to get kicked in the teeth.

Silent farters need to get kicked in the teeth. You and I are the only people in the room and I know I didn't pass gas yet you still try and look at me like I'm the guilty party. Go fuck yourself.

People who think I give a shit about their pin numbers need to get kicked in the teeth. Why are you going through so much trouble doing that hand shield thing? I dont give a fuck about your shit pin number. I have enough trouble trying to remember my own...

Sales people who leech onto you following you around a store asking if they can help with anything need to get kicked in the teeth. I'm a big boy if I need help I'll find you.

Morning people need to get kicked in the teeth.

People who have no sense of humor need to get kicked in the teeth.

Frank Breaker

Breaker's Greetings

Frank Breaker

Some people need to get kicked in the teeth 2

Here's today's list of douchebags who could catch a foot

People who treat dogs like their children need to get kicked in the teeth. They are not children! They are freeloading roommates.

People who don’t understand that I am allergic to cats need to get kicked in the teeth. Just because you vacuumed and put the bastard in another room doesn’t mean Im not going to get a nose bleed and sneeze all kinds.

People who, even if you stabbed them in the chest, still wouldn’t get the hint that you don’t like them need to get kicked in the teeth.

People who say “the book is better than the movie” after you just announced you watched the movie need to get kicked in the teeth. If I wanted to read the book I would have jackass.

Gym teachers need to get kicked in the teeth. Get a real job.

People who call your land line and ask you where you are need to get kicked in the teeth.

People who mindlessly forward every single email they find funny need to get kicked in the teeth.

Twilight nerds need to get kicked in the teeth.

People who send application invites to whatever shit app is popular any given month on facebook need to get kicked in the teeth.

People who don’t know the difference between there, their, and they’re need to get kicked in the teeth.

People who assume that a person is more intelligent simply because he/she can speak more than 1 language need to get kicked in the teeth. Example: If an fool speaks 4 languages it just means that more people can understand that he/she is a fool.

People who blast me with religion need to get kicked in the teeth.

People who call and say “hi who’s this?” need to get kicked in the teeth. You know who it is shitpuddle! YOU called ME.

Parents who ignore their children while out in public need to get kicked in the teeth.

Bisexuals need to get kicked in the teeth. Stick to one sex! 2 sexes is just plain greedy.

People who get pissy because I don’t believe in organized religion  need to get kicked in the teeth.

Avacados need to get kicked in the teeth.

People who ask you if the bus has come while you’re waiting for that very same bus need to get kicked in the teeth.

People who let the phone ring twice before answering need to get kicked in the teeth.

Frank Breaker

I Believe (More of Frank's thoughts)

I Believe: That scientology is the mix of science and gynecology.

I Believe: A pogo/corn dog is a trailer park lollipop.

I Believe: Hemorrhoids should be called assteroids.
I Believe: A young chick who dates a rich old dude is not a gold digger. She's a grave digger.

I Believe: If a person with multiple personalities kills himself it constitutes a murder suicide.

I Believe: Visa should pay at least half of my bill seeing as though BOTH of our names are on the credit card.

I Believe: People who's feet look like tree branches should steer clear of flip flops and sandals.

I Believe: If a deaf child swears his mother should wash his hands with soap.

I Believe: The only reason the word "lisp" has an "s" in it to fuck with people who have lisps.

I Believe: The virgin mary's story is a lie about an affair that got seriously out of hand.

I Believe: You can get raped in monopoly jail.

I Believe: If you're on your period it doesn't mean there can't be any "action" in the bedroom - they don't close the entire amusement park just because the roller coaster isn't working.

I Believe: Bald people aren't really losing hair - they're gaining more face.

I Believe: Vegetarians shouldn't eat animal crackers.

I Believe: On black friday white people should give their black friends gifts.

I Believe: Mermaids have their own payscales.

I Believe: The first ninja was just a dude who walked into a spiderweb.

I Believe: Facebook shouldn't have allow you to press "like" on your own status. Of course I like my own fucking status.

Frank Breaker

Lowering Taxes

Frank Breaker

Stimulus Package

Frank Breaker

Ramen Noodles

We have all tasted ramen noodles at some point in our lives. They suck ass. I mean I completely understand resorting to eating them if you're one of the less fortunate members of society - What I can't understand are people who are more well off (i.e my sister) that still swear by that unholy shit. I've watched her crack open packages prepare them and enjoy them almost like they tasted like t-bone steak rather than salty feet. Personally every time I ate them in university I felt like my life force was slowly being siphoned off...

Isn't the word "ramen" japanese for "defeated"? And why do they bother to mark the different flavors on the packages? There's no chicken in there you fuckface! It's salty dirt!! Its just bricks of noodles and packages of different colored salty dirt.

*EDIT: The sodium content alone is enough to kill a goddamn whale.

I came across this recipe while researching the subject on the internets.

Turn your cheap ramen noodles into a feast! Try grilled steak with ramen

Ingredients

1 (2 pound) sirloin steak 

1 (2 pound) flank steak

1 tablespoon all spice

2 tablespoons of garlic

2 tablespoons freshly squeezed lime juice

3 packages of generic brand ramen noodles

...

I refuse to go on. I cant believe I'm seeing 2 types of steak in the same recipe as ramen noodles! I mean if  you can actually afford the steak why are you still eating ramen? Seriously that shit costs less than a pack of chiclets. This person bat shit crazy... Plus I'm pretty sure they don't sell steak in the food aisle at the gas station. If you actually venture out to a grocery store to buy your ramen why don't you kick this recipe up a notch get decadent and add lobster too? It would be like surf and turf on a bed of wet cardboard. Plus the author doesn't even suggest the legit ramen!

You've heard of "I can't believe it's not butter"? Ramen noodles I henceforth dub thee "I can't believe I'm this broke".

Frank Breaker

Some people need to get kicked in the teeth

Here's today's list of douchebags who could catch a foot

People who you would love to hate but can’t because they are too nice need to get kicked in the teeth.

Parents who don’t control their kids need to get kicked in the teeth. Their kids need to get kicked in the teeth too.

People who answer rhetorical questions incorrectly need to get kicked in the teeth.

White dudes who go outside in shorts in the dead of winter need to get kicked in the teeth.

People who talk to me while I have headphones on need to get kicked in the teeth.

People who walk slow in front of me need to get kicked in the teeth. Move out of the fucking way grandma!

People who don’t wash their hands after they’ve used the can need to get kicked in the teeth. Well done! Now you’re a walking caca-peepee factory.

People who leave my front door open need to get kicked in the teeth. What - were you raised in a barn???

People with shitty tattoos need to get kicked in the teeth.

People who use the word “tatt” instead of tattoo need to get kicked in the teeth.

Women who still support the GOP after all the 2012 bullshit rape rhetoric need to get kicked in the teeth.

The GOP needs to get kicked in the teeth.

A dentist who continues a conversation with you while he works on your mouth needs to get kicked in the teeth.

People who try to touch my hair need to get kicked in the teeth.

Smartass vegetarians who preach their wicked ways need to get kicked in the teeth.

Circus clowns need to get kicked in the teeth.

My weight needs to get kicked in the teeth.

Big bugs need to get kicked in the teeth.

Taco Bell needs to get kicked in the teeth.

Orange Frenzies Freezies (stupid spell check) need to get kicked in the teeth.

Spell check (see above) needs to get kicked in the teeth.

Facebook needs to get kicked in the teeth.

Slow checkout tellers need to get kicked in the teeth.

People who repeat shit to me even though I tell them they already told me need to get kicked in the teeth.

People who repeat shit to me even though I tell them they already told me need to get kicked in the teeth. 

People who repeat shit to me even though I tell them they already told me need to get kicked in the teeth. 

My cellular phone needs to get kicked in the teeth. 

Wait staff who try to jedi mind trick me into adding to my order (i.e: do you want fries with that, cheese on that, etc) need to get kicked in the teeth. I know what I want to eat fuckface. If I wanted cheese on my hamburger I would’ve ordered a cheeseburger.

Drunk strangers who try to give me high fives need to get kicked in the teeth.

Couples who use the same email address need to get kicked in the teeth.

People who walk up on the escalator need to get kicked in the teeth. I shouldn't have to move to let you pass me. If you wanted to walk take the goddamn stairs! Leave the escalators for us lazy folk. Same goes moving sidewalks.

People who say “I saw it with my own eyes” need to get kicked in the teeth. No shit you saw it with your own eyes. You sure as hell didn't see it with my eyes...

People who clip the back of my legs with their grocery carts need to get kicked in the teeth.

People at restaurants who ask “would you like a table?” need to get kicked in the teeth. What the fuck do you think I'm here for? To admire the decor?

People who choose to pee in the urinal right beside me when there are other urinals free need to get kicked in the teeth.

People who use the word "butt" instead of "ass" need to get kicked in the teeth. 

*Edit: possible exception - when children are around.

Strangers who talk to me in public restrooms need to get kicked in the teeth.

People with artificial tans need to get kicked in the teeth.

People who say "volumptuous" instead of "voluptuous" need to get kicked in the teeth.

Shazam!!! Catch a foot with your teeth!

Frank Breaker

A.V Alarm Clock

"FUCK!"

Is the first thing I said today when my alarm clock went off. In fact I think that's the first thing I say EVERY day my alarm wakes me up. It's not because I'm too tired or because it's too early - most days I only get up at the crack of noon... it's because the noise of the alarm is jarring. Unfortunately I have to set it to the most annoying tone possible because I'm a heavy sleeper. The only thing that prevents me from bashing my alarm clock to pieces is that it's my cellular telephone...
I don't think alarm clocks were ever meant to be tolerated. The sound of an alarm clock puts my morning off big time. By definition an alarm signifies the occurrence of some undesirable event (ex: Fire alarms, smoke alarms, air raid alarms, burglar alarm, etc). So when I wake up to an alarm the initial sentence that pops in my head during the first few seconds of being "shocked" awake is "what the FUCK is going on?!" Then I snap back to reality mad as hell.

There is one other thing that can wake me up in the morning - a blowjay. I may hate my alarm clock but I love a blowjay. Even the promise of a blowjay is enough to wake me up... this brings me to my new product idea - the Artificial Vagina Alarm Clock.

This product will rock the world. With the Artificial Vagina Alarm Clock you're guaranteed to wake up gently and have a decent day. Even better would be if you can actually convince your girl to give you a real blowjay every morning. But we know that won't happen.

Frank Breaker