Explain this bullshit!

For real?!?

Frank Breaker

Explain this bullshit!

Actually come to think of it I'm going to do the same to my child.

Frank Breaker

Explain this bullshit!

Frank Breaker

Archeological sites around the world

Frank Breaker

Explain this bullshit!

Frank Breaker

Explain this bullshit!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA this is jooookes! The black couple just rolls out of a moving vehicle so they can save money at golden corral?! Dude's like "I'm not sharing shit! See ya!!!!"

At least they could've had them stop the car first

*EDIT: Finger, Prez - the dudes face at 0:03kind of looks like a face Biz would make HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Frank Breaker

Ask Frank

Hey Frank - If you were one of the 800 kernels of corn on an ear of corn how would you lead the uprising?

Dear Stewart
I would turn black and get all militant up in that piece.

Hey Frank - Dunkin Dognuts or Starbucks?
Phillippe

Dear Phillippe
I don't particularly like paying for dog nuts or coffee so neither.

Hey Frank - Are gay people and robots the same? Neither of them have emotions do they?
Ian

Dear Ian
They do have emotions. And they both hate you.

Hey Frank - Does stevie wonder know he's a black man?
Jim

Dear Jim
Dude it's 2013!

...

I'm sure someone will tell him soon.

Hey Frank - My boyfriend says he loves racing. Does that mean he loves it more than me? 
Katie

Dear Katie
No it absolutely does not mean he loves racing more than you. It means he loves racism more than you. 

Hey Frank - If you're a man and you love Jesus does that mean you're gay?
George 


Dear George  
Of course it does.

Hey Frank - Since money doesn't grow on trees how does it grow?
Abby

Dear Abby
Money grows deep in the ground. Like a potato.

Hey Frank - If your penis was a country which one would it be? Why?
Drew

Dear Drew
My penis would be Canada. Because it's big. It's also close to an asshole. 

Hey Frank - If disney world is the greatest place on earth what is the worst? 
Donald

Dear Donald
The worst places on earth are the majority of men's public restrooms along the I-92. Some of them are like thunderdome - 2 men enter one man leaves! 

Seriously you ever go into a bathroom that has no stall door? Who gets so amped up while pooing they feel the need to rip the door off it's hinges?

Hey Frank - What is an instagram?
Alice

Dear Alice
Instagram is a unit of metric mass. It goes gram, kilogram, instagram, tonne.

Hey Frank  - Are dora the explorer and internet explorer related?
Alexandra

Dear Alexandra
Yes. They are second cousins twice removed. Also both of them take a shitload of time to find what they're looking for.

Hey Frank  - In rituals why do they always sacrifice virgins? Why not regular girls or sluts?
Lonnie

Dear Lonnie
Cause we need the regular girls and sluts for sex and stuff. You ever tried to get a virgin to give up her cherry??? Ain't nobody got time for that.


Hey Frank  - Why do people say that dolphins are the smartest sea creatures? Don't whales have their own country?
Claudia

Dear Claudia
Wales isn't a country of whales - it's a contry of fat people.

Hey Frank  - When is the best time to watch the movie A Nightmare Before Christmas? At halloween or at christmas?
Angie

Dear Angie
At halloween dummy! Everyone knows that. Christmas is for holiday classics. Like Die Hard.

Hey Frank  - If lesbians are gay why don't they suck penis?
Shawn

Dear Shawn
They do! The only difference is that for them "penis" is pronounced "clitoris". It's also shaped like a clitoris. Okay?

Frank Breaker


 

Explain this bullshit!

Frank Breaker

Breaker's Greetings

Breaker's Greetings birthday card for my homie Finger Noel - happy birthday dude!

Frank Breaker

Rob Ford - The Truth

Frank Breaker

Breaker's Greetings

Frank Breaker

Explain this bullshit!

If you don't see it I can't help you.

Frank Breaker

*Edit: seems some people are having trouble getting this. The name of the restaurant is Panda Garden. The logo is a drawing of a koala bear.

Ask Frank

Hey Frank - Should I have a baby after 40?
Penny

Dear Penny,
I don't think you should. 40 babies is enough.

Hey Frank - Someone just told me to check myself before I wreck myself. What does this mean? 
Charlie

Dear Charlie
It's actually check yourself before you shrek yourself. It means if you don't curb your talk shit attitude you'll turn into a fat green ogre.

Hey Frank - My son is wetting the bed. I tried rubbing his nose in it and hitting him with a newspaper but nothing works. Do you have any advice?

Marcela

Dear Marcela

It's called urine indication. He's just marking his territory. Having him neutered will solve the problem.

Hey Frank - What would You do for a klondike bar?
Mike

Dear Mike
I would go to the store and buy one.

Hey Frank - Do the words "broth" and "brothel" have anything to do with one another?
Taki

Dear Taki
The short answer is yes. The long answer is no.

Hey Frank - Is it pronounced "potato" or "potato"?
Tunde

Dear Tunde
The first one.

Hey Frank - My sister has a pet bald eagle. It attacks us all the time - how can we make it happy?
France

Dear France
Get it a prescription for generic rogaine (generic is cheaper). Bald eagles have anger issues because of the hair loss. Or buy it a toupée.

Hey Frank - If superman is faster than a speeding bullet what changes now that Usain Bolt is the fastest man alive?
Marco

Dear Marco
It means that Usain Bolt CAN'T be shot. He was trained that way - you know how they use a starter's pistol at track events? That's an homage to the origins of the sport. Back in the day the people used to shoot real pistols at the athletes. Hence the need for them to "sprint"...

Hey Frank - My girl says she's going to yogert class but all she does is stretching and never eats no yogert. What's the deal?
Chad

Dear Chad
She is learning how to eat "yogurt" the way it was originally intended. The stretch poses are actually positions to hold so the yogurt bypasses the stomach and goes directly into the intestines to clean them out. That's why people are talking so much about probiotics these days.

Source(s): My brain 

Hey Frank - I've read your posts about religion. Since you're an atheist what will you say to God when he picks you up and throws you out of Heaven?
Jaqueline

Dear Jackass Jaqueline
I would say "lift with your knees".

PS: I wouldn't exactly classify myself as an atheist per se. I just don't give a fuck. 

 


Hey Frank - Could you keep the noise to a bare minimum? I'm trying to sleep.
Lili

Dear Lili 
I need to dance!

Hey Frank - Why does my dog look at me weird when he defecates?
Sam

Dear Sam
Because you're looking right at him. Don't you like privacy when you poo?

Hey Frank - Is Soy milk Spanish for I am milk?
Pamela

Dear Pamela
Yes.

Hey Frank - Why do I cry whenever I cut onions?
Niv

Dear Niv
I imagine it's because you're suffering from some deep seated emotional trauma involving onions. Were you assaulted by an onion as a child? You should probably see a specialist. I recommend the dude in the produce section at costco.

Hey Frank - Why do all strippers smell/taste the same
Marcus

Dear Marcus
Because they all drink the same tears and bathe in the same sink.

Hey Frank - Have you ever been caught looking at women's breasts? 
Joe

Dear Joe
All the time. It's ok - it's 2013 and it's all about making oneself happy. 

Hey Frank - 01100001 01110010 01100101 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 00100000 01100110 01101100 01110101 01100101 01101110 01110100 00100000 01101001 01101110 00100000 01100010 01101001 01101110 01100001 01110010 01111001 00100000 01100011 01101111 01100100 01100101?
Mother

Dear Mother
01111001 01100101 01110011 

Frank Breaker

Lost Cat

I lost my cat somewhere in Montreal.

Name: Dave Meowthews
Last Seen: In NDG on Monkland Avenue
Reward: A firm handshake.

*PLEASE NOTE: I, Franklin Delano Breaker, accept NO liability for any injuries sustained in any attempt to apprehend said cat.

Frank Breaker

Explain this bullshit!

Frank Breaker

The fuck card

Print it!

Frank Breaker

Potential winner of the 2013 Artificial Vagina Best Video of Life Award

Straight from the artificial vagina Montreal office comes a video that has shut the internet down for me today. This could be the 2013 winner of the Artificial Vagina Best Video of Life award but as usual I'm not going to crown it too prematurely...

I present Potty Talk




Honestly this kid sounds like he's dying on the toilet. Here are my favorite highlights of the clip

-At 0:21 "I will not eat that much food again"
-The grunt right after (UGH!) hahahahaha
-When he starts to list all the stuff he ate that day
-For real who is he talking to?!
-When he gets frustrated at 0:50 "Ugh! Everything!"
- Best part at 0:59 "Ugh! That will... ugh... overflow the toilet. Ugh!
Someone give this kid $1000.00 pronto! What a hero hahahahahaha

In retrospect this kid could actually be my son. He sounds like me on the can last weekend...

For real I've been laughing so hard my tears are fucking up the keyboard.

Frank Breaker

Worst candies of all time

Halloween is just around the corner Breaker fans! I know that a lot of you will be answering your doors to trick or treaters come the 31st. Time to school some of you shit puddles on the garbage candy you've been giving out... after all you don't want to be known as the "Bad Candy House" do you? Believe me I'm here to help. Here's my roundup of the worst candy some of you dipshits give out at Halloween.


Raisins

Plain fucking raisins. What is that shit?

This is Halloween NOT a fucking lunchbox. If you feel the need to give out fruit on the most holiest of days then make sure it's covered in sugar. Ain't nobody got time for antioxidants and bioflavonoids! Leave them shits with the carrot and celery sticks. I mean what's next? Hummus? If fruit winds up in a candy sack on Halloween, make sure it's doused in chocolate or caramel otherwise you're asking for trouble.



Hot Tamales

What happens when sinutab and cinnamon gum have sex? They spawn hot tamales. For christ sake candy is supposed to be sugary sweetness/sourness! What is this nasal cavity blasting burst of fucking spicy cinnamon frankentrash? Someone find me an angry mob - we need to burn this abomination pronto.

 ^ This kid needs to settle down ^

Candy Corn

Finding a package of candy corn in your candy sack on Halloween is straight up like finding a package of sadness. They have less sugar than raisins! I also read somewhere that they have mineral oil in the ingredients. Mineral oil! That's a fucking laxative man. Don't feed people shit coaxing corn disguised as candy dude. It's bad karma. By the way - the Johnsons (above) can eat a dick.

*Edit: candy corn is what I imagine birth control pills taste like.


Black Licorice

How do you tell where the horrible people live in your neighborhood? Easy. Whichever houses gives out black licorice has at least one asshole living there. That shit ain't candy. Rather than choke down a piece of black licorice I might as well eat some electrical cord insulation and call it a night. It's the same shit.

^ Electrical cord insulation ^

Tootsie Rolls

Perhaps the most vile candy ever to occupy space on earth. Here's a rough draft of the letter I plan on sending to the tootsie roll company.

Sirs,

It's 2013. You need to stop. Regular tootsie rolls, fruit flavored, mini, lollipop, whatever, your shit candy is not enjoyable in any form. Nobody cares how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie pop because the filling is repugnant. No Sirs, we do not like tootsie rolls. At all.

Scrap the formula and head back to the drawing board.

Sincerely

Franklin Delano Breaker

PS: We also know you haven't made any new tootsie rolls since 1937. No one ever asked for them. NO ONE. And yet they're still forced on us - somebody dumps them on trick or treaters on the previous halloween, they don't get eaten and their parents turf them to other people come next halloween. It's a shit candy vicious circle.Quite frankly I'd rather eat razor blades.

Frank Breaker

Horror film monsters I could beat the shit out of

Horror film monsters I could beat the shit out of

1: The birds from The Birds

Monster: Birds of all kinds suddenly begin to attack people in increasing numbers and with increasing savagery.

Solution: They're fucking birds. I could kick their asses with a clean, crisp window. Or a tennis racquet.

Problem solved.

Chance of beating the birds: 100%



2: Chucky from Child's Play

Monster: Serial killer Charles Lee Ray invokes some voodoo spell before he's put to death resulting in his soul being transferred into a toy. 

Solution: For real Chucky is a shit plastic doll. Considering the quality of the garbage made in china you could easily rip him into pieces, put the parts in different boxes then megatron them to the bottom of the sea. I could kick his ass with half a scissor.

Problem solved.

Chance of beating chucky: 100%



3: The tomatoes from Attack of the Killer Tomatoes

Monster: A town is under siege from possessed killer tomatoes out to murder everybody.

*EDIT: Did those people in the photograph get killed in the film by tomatoes for real?

Solution: THEY'RE FUCKING TOMATOES. I could kick their ass with a gang of grandparents.

Problem solved.

Chance of beating Killer Tomatoes: 120%



4: Jack Frost

Monster: When a truck transporting serial killer Jack Frost collides with a genetics truck, his body is infused (HA!) with snow and turns him into a murderous snowman.

Solution: Killer snowman??? What a waste of a genetic truck. I could kick his ass with a lighter. And not even a zippo or one of those butane deals - just a cheap ass lighter from the dollar store. You know - the ones that don't even light off of the first few sparks.

Problem solved.

Chance of beating Jack Frost: 99% 



5: Gingerdead Man

Monster: Serial killer, Millard Findlemeyer (that's his name for real?!) is sent to the electric chair. His ashes are given to his mother (who happens to be a WITCH) and she decides to avenge her son’s death by mixing his ashes into a gingerbread mix and sending it to the surviving victims of his most recent killing spree.

Solution: He's a fucking piece of pastry. I could kick his ass with a glass of milk.

Problem solved.

Chance of beating Gingerdead Man: 110%





And last but not least...





6: Madea from the Madea horror films

Monster:You know who the fuck she is.

Solution: I could kick her ass by running Tyler Perry down with my jeep.

Problem solved.

Chance of beating Madea : 100% (provided I find Tyler Perry and have a car with me)


 Frank Breaker: Monster Slayer

The return of Gif Tunes: inanimate object MMA fighting

You know how it works - press play then scroll down for the awesomesauce!





Top 5 inanimate object MMA fighting


5

 

4

 3

2

 1

Everything goes with guile's theme. The funniest part about all these is the inanimate objects win

Frank Breaker

More Crazy Sue

Ugly people
Crazy Sue:"Salon Dionne is so ugly!"
It took a while to figure out she was trying to say Celine Dion.

Burger joint
Crazy Sue: "They have a hot boys close to the house not to far from the house now. It's in vaudreuil."
Me:"WTF is a hotboy?"
Apparently she meant 5 guys restaurant.

Doctor's appointment
Crazy Sue: "I don't want to go downtown today but I have an appointment with dr. murphy."
My dad: "Why don't you reschedule?"
Crazy Sue:"Cause it's a private clinic and I think they charge if you don't give them 24 hours notice."
Me:"It doesn't hurt to call does it?"
Crazy Sue:*on the phone with the doctors secretary* "Yes I would like to reschedule my appointment. My phone number is *********. I have an appointment today at 4:30... No not friday - TODAY. Are you sure you have the right name? I'm telling you the appointment isn't for friday it's for today! I have it written here in my agenda wednesday at 4:30 pm I wrote it down when your office called to confirm! Yes! Yes. Thank you (*on hold*). Hello? Yes. I'd like to reschedule my appointment please."

It turns out there was a clerical error and they had switched her original appointment for friday

My dad:"Why did she bother arguing with them? If you have an appointment that you have to cancel and the doctor has a same day cancellation fee would you argue when they tell you that they had no record of your appointment? DUH."

Portrait
Crazy Sue:*showing me a massive painting of herself she had done* "What do you think? Nice huh?"
Me: *lying through my teeth* "Yes it's nice..."
Crazy Sue:"Do you want me to get you one for your house?"
Me:"No."
Crazy Sue: "Why not?"
Why the fuck would I want a giant painting of my mom in my house?!?!?!?!

Music
Crazy Sue:"Your cd keeps skipping!
I was listening to dubstep at work.

Movies
Crazy Sue:"I didn't know lionel ritchie was an actor!"
I was watching the empire strikes back during my lunchbreak. She was talking about lando calrissian...


Nationality
Crazy Sue: "Connie's husband called here this morning asking for you. He was really belligerent! I told him your wife quit her job with us months ago so what the hell are you calling me for? If connie has any questions answered she should call us herself! He told me she didn't call because she doesn't understand matters like this and she needs her information about her pension. What a pig huh? I told him he needs to call the pension plan administration. You know what he said to me? He told me he was going to send me a letter from an attorney. I told him don't threaten me you're not in india anymore! Then I told him to put connie on the phone. I told her her husband is an idiot.".
For some reason she has never been able to remember that this guy is south african.

Alcohol
Random woman: *coughs loudly*
Crazy Sue: "Did that woman just bark? I think she just barked!"
My mom was drunk and uttered this so loudly the coughing woman heard for sure.

Music
Crazy Sue: "Is rappin' still hip?"

Facebook
Crazy Sue: "How do I stop these invitations in my email to join that fazebook?."
Me: "Facebook mommy."
Crazy Sue: "Fazebook, facebook, fuckbook, who cares. Everybody keeps saying how much time people waste on it. I will never sign it up and I will progress with my life!"

Cell phone
Crazy Sue: *on a phone call with me* "I tried to call you earlier and your cell was off. Is it on now?"
Me: "No."
She had just called my cell and I was talking to her.



The best crazy sue technochallenged action this week? 2 days ago I found the spare battery for her cell phone in her refrigerator. Wtf hahahahahahaha

Frank Breaker

More Crazy Sue: Technochalleneged

Crazy Sue has always been clueless when it comes to any type of technology. I remember back in the day, when I first got zelda for my nintendo I couldn't play it when Crazy Sue was in the room. She would get pissed when I would break pots open for rupees. She called Link a "hooligan" and was convinced I would start doing the same shit in the house. She also had a problem with any game that required extremely fast button mashing (ex: mortal kombat "test your might"). She was positive I was trying to break the controller. She used to call gameboy "playboy". It's kind of embarrassing when you're at a family function and your mom is telling people she finds that her kids spend too much time playing with "playboys"... Anyways she especially sucks when it comes to computers. She's a little better now though but still! For example when Crazy Sue wants to go to a new website, she closes internet explorer and opens it again. And I can't tell you how many times I've seen her open internet explorer (which opens to google as homepage) and watched her type "google" in the address bar...

Here are some choice quotes spanning over the last few years.

Email
Crazy Sue: "I pressed send on my email to uncle peter before I was finished so I unplugged the computer. Do you think I stopped it from going?"
I should point out that at this point my mom thought the computer was just the monitor...

Search engines
Crazy Sue: "Is goggle open during the holidays?"
She meant google.

At the mall
Crazy Sue: "I'm at fairview. Can you goggle and see if the Rogers is still in the mall? ... Goggle, google whatever. Same thing."

Downloading
Crazy Sue: "I can't find the thing I just downloaded."
Me: "Just download it again to your desktop."
Crazy Sue: *10 minutes later* "How do I get this letter I printed off of my desk and back into the computer?"

CD burning
Crazy Sue: "Please tell your sister to stop burning cds she's going to use up all the laser before I get a chance to make one."

Microsoft word
Crazy Sue:"Now how do I get a new paper on the screen to type on?"
This took me about 10 minutes - she was referring to a new word document.   

More recent

Search engines
Crazy Sue: "Ok I'm going to search on google."
She clicks internet explorer icon. The computer is running slow so she clicks it again a few times furiously.
Me: "Wait! Give it a second. What were you trying to do anyways?"
Crazy Sue: "Queenie told me the faster I click the faster it goes."

Sending a message
Crazy Sue: "Where is the damn send button?"
Me: "There is no send button. You've been typing in a word document."

Keyboard issues
Crazy Sue:*over the phone* "I don't know what's going on. The keyboard isn't working!"
After 5 minutes I realized her computer was off. 

Phone manual
Crazy Sue: "This is really taking a long time."
Me: "What is?"
Crazy Sue: "I'm printing this manual for my phone because I can't work it."
The manual was 250 pages long. 

Cell charging
Crazy Sue: "Something's wrong with my cell. Whenever I take it off the charger the battery doesn't last more than 2 days before I have to charge it again! You think I need a new battery?"

Cell phones
Crazy Sue: *over the phone* "The power's out in the neighborhood. If you're in the west island could you drive over and start the generator please? I don't know how I'm going to reach dad."
Me: "I don't know how to start it. Call dad's cell."
Crazy Sue "Didn't you hear me? THE POWER'S OUT."
It took her a few minutes to realize his cell phone would still work even without electricity.

Internet browsers
Crazy Sue: "Dad installed foxfire on my computer now I have to use it instead of internet. I hate it when he does that!"
She meant firefox and internet explorer.

Buying a laptop at best buy
Crazy Sue: "I want one with a keyboard attached to it."

Her new samsung phone
Crazy Sue: "You would like this phone! It even has an Ipod in it."

Text messaging
Crazy Sue: *via text message* "You left your cell phone at our house."
She's sent me this message more than once.



Frank Breaker
 

We cool now, right?

Erry Day

This will happen one day...

Frank Breaker

More Crazy Sue

Referring to marriage
Crazy Sue: "If you get married I want your wife to call me "mom". I don't want her calling me Mrs. P because then my grandchildren will call me Mrs. P too."

Buying a laptop at best buy
Crazy Sue: "I want one with a keyboard attached to it."

At the mall
Crazy Sue: "I'm at fairview. Can you goggle and see if the Rogers is still in the mall? ... Goggle, google whatever. Same thing."

Cleaning the house
Crazy Sue: "Don't make a mess. This house needs to be clean by the time the cleaning lady gets here. I don't want her thinking we're messy people."

Drinking alcohol
Crazy Sue: "That's crazy! You can't get drunk off of wine."

Referring to a member of her choir
Crazy Sue: "She's lucky she has big breasts because she can't sing very well."

Referring to my youngest sister
Crazy Sue: "When she was a child I would've taken a bullet for her. Now that shes grown I want to shoot her."

Regarding me mentioning that I quote her
Crazy Sue: "Don't quote what I say. If you quote what I say you'll be in big shit. And you can quote me on that."

Referring to MAJOR fire at my apartment (I called crazy sue to tell her as it was happening)
Crazy Sue: *to my sister* "He says his apartment's on fire. It's probably just burnt toast in his toaster."
Meanwhile I was outside my apartment with an entire squad of firemen

Intelligence
Crazy Sue: Just when I thought you were as brilliant as me you go and say something that shows how unsmart you are."

Regarding a childhood dream of becoming an astronaut
Crazy Sue: "If you get hurt in space you'll probably die."

Our family dog
Crazy Sue: "Put Snowy in the oven please."
She meant to say "cage" but never corrected herself.

Referring to a computer technician
Crazy Sue: "Try and stand between us my nose is sensitive today and his breath smells like he shit his pants.

Plastic surgery
Crazy Sue: "I'm going in for botox. They should probably give me a frequent flyer card."

Work issues
Crazy Sue: "I found a solution to the attendance problem. I thought about it all night. And on the toilet this morning."

Guilt trip
Crazy Sue: "I never try to make my children feel guilty. The fact that you think that really hurts my feelings."

Frank Breaker

Crazy Sue

Have you ever heard someone say something so outlandish that you actually had to sit down? This morning I have been inspired. My mom says some really stupid shit sometimes and I have decided to give her her own segment on the Vag called Crazy Sue.

Referring to an employee of ours who passed out at work
Crazy Sue: "yeah she fainted but she regained consciousness! Why would they call an ambulance? They should've just put her in a taxi. If we call 911 too many times and it turns out there is no emergency they won't come anymore."

Lemons for caesar salad
Crazy Sue: "Can you believe my son wants me to throw out these lemon wedges because I got a little blood from the steaks on them? That's crazy talk."
The steaks were raw.

Dining out
Crazy Sue: *complaining to waiter* "I ordered my steak medium rare."
Waiter: "You have to actually cut into the steak ma'am."

Smoke detectors
Me: "I'm going to put them up tonight. What do you think?"
Crazy Sue: *farts* "That's what I think."

Hydro Quebec customer service
Crazy Sue: "It was one of those automated phone calls I hate talking to recordings so I hung up."
Me: "It wasn't a recording mommy it was a person. I was the one who answered the phone and passed it to you."
Crazy Sue: "Well it's not my fault. They shouldn't hire people who sound like gay robots."

Her new samsung phone
Crazy Sue: "You would like this phone! It even has an Ipod in it."

Referring to my 3 year old cousin
Crazy Sue: "I have never had so much love for a child in my life!"
Me: "You do realize you have 3 children of your own right?"

Apartment rentalCrazy Sue: "I just don't want to rent to any french people ok? French people don't like to pay rent."

Dinner party
Crazy Sue: All my friends were talking about their sons as teenagers. All I could say was up until my son was 12 years old I thought he was gay because he never brought a girl home for dinner."

Footwear
Crazy Sue: "I really don't like it when I make the effort to buy new shoes and no one compliments me on them."

Cruise ship
Crazy Sue: *loudly* "This deck looks like a floating walmart."

Patio door
Crazy Sue: "The lock been broken for days and dad still hasn't fixed it. I don't understand why simple repairs take him years to do! What if someone breaks in and has their way with me while he's out of town?"

Referring to a friend of mine we ran into in the mall
Crazy Sue: *whispering loudly* "Her bum is so big! They would love her in the islands."

Referring to an employee of ours who called her about an issue at work
Crazy Sue: "I know she has her rights I just wish she would express her right to shut the fuck up."

Tea
Crazy Sue: "I created you so you should make me a cup of tea."

My dad and his friend
Crazy Sue: "Dad's having dinner with Pete. It's good to see him with a friend... Probably wont last though."

Referring to my sister leaving rotten food in my moms fridge
Crazy Sue: "Why does she waste so much? Food doesn't grow on trees damnit!"

Frank Breaker

shit pizza experience

WTF IS THIS FUCKERY?! Check out how my pizza arrived tonight. Unsliced!!!! Who does that shit? At first I thought they forgot to cut it cause they were really busy in the kitchen but then I remembered the delivery guy gave me a bit of attitude. Now I'm thinking the dude was at the restaurant and told the cook "fuck that guy he doesn't tip enough so he doesn't deserve to have his meal sliced into convenient portions the fat bastard is gonna probably eat the whole thing anyways so leave it in one piece so he burns himself on the scalding hot cheese."

Well fuck you too you shit delivery bastard! When I called I don't remember asking for an extra topping of hate.

I originally considered folding the pizza over and eating it like a giant taco but then I came to my senses, got off the couch and got a fork and knife.

*EDIT: the goddamn pizza crust was burnt. Fuck that restaurant.

Frank Breaker

Frank Breaker

Ask Frank

Hey Frank - How can I tell what gender my parrot is?
Penny

Dear Penny,
Take it out to dinner and pay attention to which bathroom it uses.

Hey Frank - Do atheists fear God?
Jackie

Dear Jackie,
Do christians fear Zeus ?

Hey Frank - Background for the movie the matrix?
Martine

Dear Martine,
That's almost a question...

Hey Frank - My parents are always making stuff up. Yesterday we had "the talk" about sex and they told me I can get pregnant even if I'm on top. Bullshit right? What should I do?
Alex

Dear Alex,
I think you should tell your parents you're adopted.

Hey Frank - If you could be a girl for a day what would you do?
Lisa

Dear Lisa,
First thing I would get on my knees and pray I don't get my period that day.

Hey Frank - Why do girls have shiny lips and men dont? If you look at their lips in the light they reflect like a mirror!!!!!!!!
Jerome

Dear Jerome,
It's because lips turn smooth after so many blowjays.

Hey Frank - Why do they put seeds in grapes
Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,
Who is they???

Hey Frank - How do I stop moaning during sex? My boyfriend says I'm really loud and I don't want his roomates to hear.
Kelly

Dear Kelly, 
Tell your boyfriend to tightly hold a pillow over your face. Tell him to keep it there and he shouldn't worry if you start to struggle - its just the moans trying to escape your body.

Hey Frank - Why don't we see bats during the day?
Bill

Dear Bill
The reason why we don't see them during the day is because technically bats are werepigeons. You never see a bat and a pigeon at the same time do you?
Source(s) X-Files. 

Hey Frank - Ive been reading your posts and I wonder - are you ignorant or just apathetic?
Janet

Dear Janet,
I dont know and I dont care.

Hey Frank - Does Barack Obama fart?
Jimmy

Dear Jimmy, 
Yes he does and they smell like hope.

Hey Frank - Does gin really kill insects?
Beth

Dear Beth, 
Yes because it eventually destroys their small livers. It also prevents them from holding down steady jobs and wrecks their families.

Hey Frank - My tv wont turn off! Ive pushed the on/off button hundreds of times and even unplugged it. What do I do?
Joe

Dear Joe, 
The only way to stop it is to kill it. Get a pistol and shoot it.

Hey Frank - What are the little bumps on a girls nipples?
Dave

Dear Dave, 
They are an instruction manual in braille for blind people detailing secrets on how to truly pleasure a woman.

Hey Frank - I'm scared of going down on a woman. Is pussy juice bad for you?
Mathew

Dear Mathew, 
Studies show that a teaspoon of PJ per day can potentially extend your life by 2 years.

Hey Frank - Whats a good nickname for the name Ruby there are no nicknames can you think of one?
Ruby

Dear Ruby,
Marge is a good nickname for Ruby.

Hey Frank - Can you lose your virginity if you fall?
Katherine

Dear Katherine,
Not unless you fall on a  penis.

Hey Frank - If the universe was created by the big bang what was there before? 
Walt

Dear Walt,
The big blowjay.

Hey Frank - Is it true Michael Jackson was in a band back in the day?
James

Dear James,
Yes. He was in a band called the Jackson 5. I don't think they were very popular though... in fact I doubt they even made it out of their parents basement. 

Frank Breaker