More Crazy Sue

Referring to marriage
Crazy Sue: "If you get married I want your wife to call me "mom". I don't want her calling me Mrs. P because then my grandchildren will call me Mrs. P too."

Buying a laptop at best buy
Crazy Sue: "I want one with a keyboard attached to it."

At the mall
Crazy Sue: "I'm at fairview. Can you goggle and see if the Rogers is still in the mall? ... Goggle, google whatever. Same thing."

Cleaning the house
Crazy Sue: "Don't make a mess. This house needs to be clean by the time the cleaning lady gets here. I don't want her thinking we're messy people."

Drinking alcohol
Crazy Sue: "That's crazy! You can't get drunk off of wine."

Referring to a member of her choir
Crazy Sue: "She's lucky she has big breasts because she can't sing very well."

Referring to my youngest sister
Crazy Sue: "When she was a child I would've taken a bullet for her. Now that shes grown I want to shoot her."

Regarding me mentioning that I quote her
Crazy Sue: "Don't quote what I say. If you quote what I say you'll be in big shit. And you can quote me on that."

Referring to MAJOR fire at my apartment (I called crazy sue to tell her as it was happening)
Crazy Sue: *to my sister* "He says his apartment's on fire. It's probably just burnt toast in his toaster."
Meanwhile I was outside my apartment with an entire squad of firemen

Intelligence
Crazy Sue: Just when I thought you were as brilliant as me you go and say something that shows how unsmart you are."

Regarding a childhood dream of becoming an astronaut
Crazy Sue: "If you get hurt in space you'll probably die."

Our family dog
Crazy Sue: "Put Snowy in the oven please."
She meant to say "cage" but never corrected herself.

Referring to a computer technician
Crazy Sue: "Try and stand between us my nose is sensitive today and his breath smells like he shit his pants.

Plastic surgery
Crazy Sue: "I'm going in for botox. They should probably give me a frequent flyer card."

Work issues
Crazy Sue: "I found a solution to the attendance problem. I thought about it all night. And on the toilet this morning."

Guilt trip
Crazy Sue: "I never try to make my children feel guilty. The fact that you think that really hurts my feelings."

Frank Breaker

Crazy Sue

Have you ever heard someone say something so outlandish that you actually had to sit down? This morning I have been inspired. My mom says some really stupid shit sometimes and I have decided to give her her own segment on the Vag called Crazy Sue.

Referring to an employee of ours who passed out at work
Crazy Sue: "yeah she fainted but she regained consciousness! Why would they call an ambulance? They should've just put her in a taxi. If we call 911 too many times and it turns out there is no emergency they won't come anymore."

Lemons for caesar salad
Crazy Sue: "Can you believe my son wants me to throw out these lemon wedges because I got a little blood from the steaks on them? That's crazy talk."
The steaks were raw.

Dining out
Crazy Sue: *complaining to waiter* "I ordered my steak medium rare."
Waiter: "You have to actually cut into the steak ma'am."

Smoke detectors
Me: "I'm going to put them up tonight. What do you think?"
Crazy Sue: *farts* "That's what I think."

Hydro Quebec customer service
Crazy Sue: "It was one of those automated phone calls I hate talking to recordings so I hung up."
Me: "It wasn't a recording mommy it was a person. I was the one who answered the phone and passed it to you."
Crazy Sue: "Well it's not my fault. They shouldn't hire people who sound like gay robots."

Her new samsung phone
Crazy Sue: "You would like this phone! It even has an Ipod in it."

Referring to my 3 year old cousin
Crazy Sue: "I have never had so much love for a child in my life!"
Me: "You do realize you have 3 children of your own right?"

Apartment rentalCrazy Sue: "I just don't want to rent to any french people ok? French people don't like to pay rent."

Dinner party
Crazy Sue: All my friends were talking about their sons as teenagers. All I could say was up until my son was 12 years old I thought he was gay because he never brought a girl home for dinner."

Footwear
Crazy Sue: "I really don't like it when I make the effort to buy new shoes and no one compliments me on them."

Cruise ship
Crazy Sue: *loudly* "This deck looks like a floating walmart."

Patio door
Crazy Sue: "The lock been broken for days and dad still hasn't fixed it. I don't understand why simple repairs take him years to do! What if someone breaks in and has their way with me while he's out of town?"

Referring to a friend of mine we ran into in the mall
Crazy Sue: *whispering loudly* "Her bum is so big! They would love her in the islands."

Referring to an employee of ours who called her about an issue at work
Crazy Sue: "I know she has her rights I just wish she would express her right to shut the fuck up."

Tea
Crazy Sue: "I created you so you should make me a cup of tea."

My dad and his friend
Crazy Sue: "Dad's having dinner with Pete. It's good to see him with a friend... Probably wont last though."

Referring to my sister leaving rotten food in my moms fridge
Crazy Sue: "Why does she waste so much? Food doesn't grow on trees damnit!"

Frank Breaker