Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Vegetarian Smash Down


I really have no problem with people who avoid eating meat - in fact it just leaves more for me. My problem is with people who become vegetarians so they can feel superior and fuck with the rest of us. Take this chick who works for me - yesterday she started preaching about vegetarianism and how EVERYONE should become “plant eaters” (I’m paraphrasing here – I have no clue what she actually said at this point). Anyways she was really pushing it. Then she has the audacity to bitch out another employee for eating a hamburger! Chastising someone for their choice of food?? Not on my watch! I stepped in like a true super hero and straight up told the shithead I didn’t like the word vegetarian. My reasoning? Because it’s synonymous with “weak”. True story -Vegetarian = weak. Source(s): Frank Breaker’s 21st Century Thesaurus (AKA my brain). She didn't like that and continued with her sermon.

She went on and on ad nauseam about that shit. Then the crack pot took it to the next level - she noticed the same hamburger eating employee using honey in her tea and said “you know shouldn’t eat that stuff. It’s a product of bee slavery.” Bee slavery????? What the fuck was she drinking? This chick really needed to take it down a notch pronto so I took her out with a rant of EPIC proportions. Here’s some of what I remember telling her

- “You’re NOT helping the environment by being a vegetarian – you’re eating the environment. In fact you're actually taking food out of the mouths of the animals I eat! Put down the trees and try a slice of bacon. You might like it.”

- “If bacon came from people I would still eat it. I tell you right now if that was the case I'd fight a zombie for that shit.”

Then I proceeded to sing the green eggs and ham rhyme replacing green eggs and ham with bacon…

“So I will eat it in a box.
And I will eat it with a fox.
And I will eat it in a house.
And I will eat it with a mouse.
And I will eat it here and there.
Say! I will eat it anywhere!”

- “Why do vegetarians try to create dishes that mimic meat? It’s cause secretly you want to be like the rest of us right? Vegetarian hamburgers, vegetarian hot dogs, etc. It’s all just different labels for poo flavored meat substitute.”

- “I will say many animals are treated poorly on farms…” (especially pigs *see below) “…but until I have the loot to buy and raise my own cows and chickens I’m going to continue eating that shit. I may even try that “free range” fuckery. But stop eating meat on your say so? Hell no!”

- “And by the way stop drinking our milk and eating our cheese! I saw you eating a grilled cheese earlier… You didn’t think I saw you did you? You liked it. I know you liked it. Just so you know the dairy industry is the heart of the meat industry. By drinking milk you are sentencing cattle to a life of misery just as if you were eating a macdonalds.”

- “Nope. Eating animals isn’t wrong. What do you think your front teeth are for? Chopping up meat dummy. Personally I don't mind eating something that had a face… If animals don’t want to get eaten then they should stop tasting good... Seriously if we were not meant to eat meat then cows and pigs would have evolved into faster animals years ago. You don’t hear about people eating cheetahs do you? Cause those fuckers is fast as shit. And gazelles? It takes serious cunning to take them down. And at least animals can defend themselves! Have you ever heard of someone being attacked by a tree or a lettuce? No. So grab your hemp shoes and go suck a carrot.”

She took the hint and toned it down. Luckily our families have been friends for a long time (we actually grew up together) otherwise she’d probably quit and sue me for harassment. And again just to reiterate I have nothing against vegetarians. I just don’t like the mean ‘n preachy ones. I mean I don’t force my carnivorousness on you so don’t criticize me and preach your meal ethics. And respect me like I respect you! For example if I invite a vegetarian friend over for a fancy dinner party I would make sure to prepare some vegetarian dishes for them. Like bean sprouts, tofu, mushroom risotto and whatever else they eat that has no taste. I expect this gesture to be reciprocated. If I come over to eat at your place and you’re vegetarian I expect to be fed some turf (i.e. meat). Cook me something that had a face! Like a steak or a chicken or something similar. PLEASE NOTE: When it comes to beef and pork you’ll want to avoid serving me anything that has the name of the animal in it (ex: cow tongue, cow brains, cow foot, pig’s feet, pig tail, pig snout, pig’s knuckles, etc). Blech! <---- throw up noise.

In fact other than bacon I don’t really fuck with pork any more so hook up a BLT or something.

Or a bacon bra.

I approve.

Breakasaurus Rex.

Thursday, February 23, 2012

I ain't that baby's pappy




Not 100% sure who your baby's father is? Well now you can find the answer at the pharmacy! That's right - pharmacies now carry home paternity tests. Long gone are the days when you had to wait to appear on a talk show like springer, maury or donahue *EDIT:fucking "donahue" lol that's a funny ass name
Anyways the process is really simple - you bring the kit home, swab the cheek of your little bastard, swab the cheek the presumed father (if you can find him), seal the q tips in specimen envelopes and mail the kit off to a lab. Then in 3 to 5 days your results are mailed back to you. But unfortunately the results from this type of testing are not legally binding so any of you moms out there looking to stick it to your baby's pappy in court you're shit out of luck. You're better off shuffling it down to the maury povitch set where his crack team of super scientists can get you DNA results you can depend on.



"Let's see... I have to get tampons, toilet paper, tooth paste, rubbing alcohol... Oh and since we're here let's see if we can prove who your real daddy is! Let's ask the nice pharmacist to help us. After I'll buy you some candy okay?"

NOTE - home paternity tests only work on dudes who don't have caller ID.

*EDIT: Save yourself the headaches of unplanned parenthood and use one of these before you plow.



I will still watch Maury Povich paternity test shows...


Honestly there's just something about DNA test results being aired on television in front of millions of trashy viewers (myself included) that gets to me. It really brings tears to my eyes... tears of laughter that is.

Here are 3 of my favorites




BAHAHAHAHA I bet this hero didn't even know how to dance before he heard the paternity test result. Swag.

Notice how this dude flaunts his towel as if he sponsored a car that just won the formula 1. Straight up swag.




Look at this dude's performance! I don't even know what he's trying to achieve all I know is he's as excited as a dog with two dicks. I'll bet his moves are causing a sexual frenzy amongst trashy women everywhere... he is soooo getting laid as soon as he gets back to the trailer park.



5000% sure my ass. LOL this champion dancing like he just won the lotto. You don't pull deft moves like this out of your ass. It's his touchdown celebration! I think he's probably been on the show so many times he had to come up with a dance routine.



Even Mary isn't safe. Hahahaha she just ran off the stage hahahahaha

Frank Breaker*Prophylactic/pill enthusiast

Friday, February 17, 2012

Another trend that is out of control







^^^
Mona Lisa's facebook picture (she even has highlights)

I’m joining the anti duckface movement. Seriously this shit is out of control… For those of you who don’t know, “duckface” is that ultra hideous facial expression where people push their lips up and out in a weird combination of a pout/smoochy face to make it look like they’ve got big ass lips and high cheek bones.

This duck bill like appearance is most commonly seen in self taken photos. Somehow some chicks (and a few dudes) have gotten it into their brains that the duckface look is hot. Somebody please stop this goddamn epidemic!

Trust me it isn’t attractive in the least. It looks like they're trying to fit the top half of their faces under their lips while on the toilet battling constipation.

The look really is unacceptable…

Except on ducks.


Or on people who actually look like ducks (actually this is more yuckface)...


I’m actually going to call it fuckface from now on because it actually looks like a lot of these chicks are waiting for some dude to skeet on them.

Maybe the next trend will be whaleface?


Yes.

Frank Breaker * Trend setter

Friday, February 10, 2012

Don’t Be a Victim


Horror movies are chock full of idiots who end up getting slaughtered because of their stupidities. You all know what I’m talking about - the fools you yell at that do dumb shit like going into the basement of an abandoned house to investigate noises. Fuck those noises you heard! Go home and live another day! Here’s another example - dude’s being chased by a monster (i.e. demon, ghost, werewolf, vampire, zombie, witch, insect, animal, mutant, psycho, etc). He manages to outrun it and get back to his piece of shit car. He gets in, crosses his fingers, says a couple hail marys THEN tries to start the engine. Of course it doesn’t start so he tries again. BOOM! Success! But at this point it’s too late to get away. The monster proceeds to break the window and eat his shit face. Now maybe if buddy had tried to start the car right away he might have lived? Maybe not. But then again it’s only a movie - the dummy needed to be killed off for our amusement.

Anyways I have put together a survival guide based on mistakes I’ve seen the majority of horror film victims make just before they die. Read it and enjoy! And bonus - if by chance you run into a monster at least you’ll know what to do.

1 - Make sure you own a shotgun. If you can’t get one a pistol will suffice. Also make sure it’s loaded.

2 - When it comes to zombies always shoot/bash/smack them in the head first. This should actually go without saying. If you don’t already know this then you deserve to get killed. Stop reading this survival guide now.

3 - When you’re camping don’t get naked for ANY reason. Monsters love to kill naked people first. Keep your clothes on and you might have a chance at survival. In fact don’t even go camping. You’re better off staying at your local Howard Johnson’s. I’ve done my research - it seems no one gets killed at that hotel chain. I assume it’s probably because there’s a play called ‘murder at Howard Johnson’s’ that was first performed in 1979 - it would be too cliché to massacre anyone there. Trust me it’s safe.

Plus they have cable and free continental breakfasts...

4 - Always check the back seat BEFORE you get inside a car.

5 - If the power goes out don’t go into the basement to check the fuse box. Just say “fuck it” and head to the nearest Howard Johnson’s. Same goes for if you hear a suspicious noise. Go to the hotel and wait until daylight. Then go back home and check it out.

6 - When it looks like the monster is dead don’t assume shit. Grab an ax and cut it’s head off. If you’re using your trusty shotgun shoot it in the face and then keep shooting till you're out of ammo. Then reload and shoot it some more. Then get some gasoline (or any thing that burns hot - butane, kerosene, pizza pocket filling etc) and burn that mother. Then get the fuck out of dodge and set up residence at the nearest Howard Johnson’s.

7 - If someone in your party disappears don’t volunteer to look for them unless you really, really need/love them.

8 - Don’t fuck with a ouija board. Even on a dare. In fact you shouldn’t even have that voodoo board game in your house.

9 - Listen to your kids! If they tell you there’s a monster under their bed or in their closet don’t risk your life by checking. Call a professional. While the pros do their business go stay at the nearest Howard Johnson’s. Wait there until you get proof the thing is dead before returning to your home.

10 - If your friend/spouse seems possessed then they probably are possessed. Best to grab your trusty shotgun and shoot first ask questions later. Make sure you have extra ammo because he/she probably won’t die the first time around (see tip #6). Same rule applies to your kids. Don’t take any chances! If you have trouble doing away with your own children then call social services and let them deal with your haunted offspring.

11 - Don’t fuck with weird shit that belongs to the dead. For example if you dig up some bizarre ancient relic in your yard (i.e. amulet, bones, coins etc) that clearly belong to a dead person throw it in the trash immediately. It was buried for a reason.

12 - Don’t go swimming at night. Monsters love to sneak up on swimmers. Same goes for baths and showers. Just to be safe stay away from all forms of water activity at night.

13 - Don’t be the token black dude in your group. If you’re black and all your friends are white you better make friends with some brothers pronto. Same goes for Asians. Monsters like to smoke us within the first 20 minutes of their killing sprees.

Edit: Same for blondes with big uns. Monsters like to hack them to bits quickfast too. Remember: massive boobs = instant death.

14 - If you’re home and you notice a window that you’re sure you shut has been opened, dive out that fucking window and get your ass to the nearest Howard Johnson’s pronto. Don’t even think about closing it and staying home. The monster that came in through that window is most likely in your house waiting to murder you.

15 - If you’re low on gas and come across a deserted gas station don’t even think about stopping. Keep driving! It could potentially be the worst/last day of your life. Better yet just make sure your CAA/AAA membership is up to date and give them a shout.

16 - If you’re in a group NEVER go off on your own. Unless a monster is chasing all of you and you need to use some of the others as distraction while you get away. Just trip the slowest ones and save yourself.

Edit: Also never say “I’ll be right back” cause chances are you won’t.

17 - If someone suggests you go to any of the following locations tell them to fuck off: elm street, amytiville, lochness, lake eerie, crystal lake, sleepy hollow, planet LV - 426, El Rey, Transylvania, gatorland, sewers, abandoned houses, the titty twister bar, the Bermuda triangle, etc)

18 - If you receive an unmarked vhs cassette in the mail just mark it return to sender.

19 - If anything in your house starts to shake (plumbing, fixtures, pictures, etc) it's time to bounce. Ditto goes for if your kid gets stuck in the TV. Leave him/her for dead.

20 - Never take shortcuts.

There. I potentially just saved your life. You’re welcome.

Frank Breaker

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Clothes Fail

I don't understand how some people can look at themselves in the mirror and think "damn I look good today - I should go out into the world and show off ". This post is dedicated to all of those delusional douchebags who've gone WAY off the spectrum of reality.



She's smiling because right now her vagina just got tickled by the family of gerbils living in her pants.


Meanwhile back in santa's workshop...
WAIT A SEC! Do the stripes on her bag match her hair and shoes too????????????????????????


Don't fret dude! I don't think any ladies are worried.


This is the worst case of elephant knuckle (male camel toe) that I've seen in a while. You'd think once his testes switched sides he'd realize these aren't skinny jeans.



Just looking at this photo makes me want to go get a penicillin shot. Na I'm kidding. I'm sure she can count the number of dudes she's slept with on one hand. Provided she's using a calculator...



That day she used a construction crane to pull her shorts on.


The one on the right kind of looks like a ninja turtle villain. I think his name is be bop.


Why? In what universe is it normal to go out dressed like this? This one is making my brain hurt. "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" - Gandolf the Grey


These shorts are so tight I doubt this girl is ever going to the bathroom again. Wait! Her shirt says she's an upgrade? An upgrade from what??????



...
WHAT THE FUCK?! I'm so rattled by this image I don’t even think I can come up with a decent caption for this. You're on your own.

Um...
Just because they make the material doesn't mean it has to be used.


Looks like her stockings barfed up her skirt shirt.



Look what a person straight from cartoon land can do!



I’m having some trouble understanding what’s going on here... I doubt she even owns a mirror. Or a bra.


Hottest chick in the game huh? I assume the game is rigged.


3 reasons why this dude isn't out raping somebody right now
1) He's too broke to buy/rent a white van
2) He lacks the upper body strength needed to violate a person.
3) His potential prey can see him coming a mile away


This guy has thirty something semi employed middle class douchebag who gets drunk on his parents' money written across his face. I believe he also masturbates himself raw to tranny porn.


Observe - her booty looks like a garbage bag full of video cassettes.



Looks like her skin is trying to swallow up every piece of clothing she's wearing.

This dude's all like “let me make my proportions look as fucked up & weird as possible so I get more attention.” Either that or he just shit his pants and is trying to keep the mess as far away from his crotch as possible.



This dude's outfit is playing a game of charades with us, and it's secret phrase is "I'm gay." Straight up this outfit is REALLY good at charades.



This he/she is out of control but that's ok cause the true sign of a great hipster is not being able to determine their gender...



Dude. Stay home and try again tomorrow.


This shit looks like it was made out of a pink garbage bag that she tied off at the waist with a twist tie.



This dude is obviously wanted by the cops. And not because he's a menacing criminal but because he's dangerously out of touch with reality. Count dracula looking motherfucker.


High waisted '80's jean shorts combined with a bra and table cloth jacket = straight up mess.


This dude just stepped out of that bar scene in star wars.


So did she.


Ladies meet Larry Fruithandler. He enjoys consuming large amounts of coffee, eating children's cereal and long strolls down the coast to "coolville".

These are not shorts. I think he somehow lost most of his pants on on his way to the party. Possibly to a dog or in a fight with a homeless person. Maybe he was so trashed he only realized the next day that this was his look the previous night? Hmm... Yeah I doubt that.


This douchebag woke up in his apartment (i.e oversized van parked in a parking lot) thinking "today I'm dressing too cool for school". Unfortunately in the real world his clothing choice screams "I'm lost in space and I'm not aware that I look like a complete dickhead". I'll bet he also smokes some form of hard to obtain foreign cigarettes (i.e gauloises) because he's convinced it really pulls his look together.

Fucking crackpots.

Frank Breaker