Stupid Expressions 2

Here is a list of stupid expressions/colloquialisms I've heard various people say around me over the past since the last stupid expressions post I made 4 months ago.

You must have a horseshoe up your ass (my dad's friend)

WTF? My dad's buddy used this to describe a car accident I had about a month ago where I TOTALED some chick's chevy malibu with my jeep (her fault). I was reversing, the idiot pulled in behind me and my tow hook cut through her shit car like a can opener. There was no damage on my car so according to my dad's friend "I had a horseshoe up my ass". This is supposed to be a good thing? Anything shoved up my ass doesn't sound good to me ESPECIALLY something as large as a goddamn horseshoe...

Actually it sounds like I got into a fist fight with a horse and lost.

She has sex on the legs (my cousin)

Meh. Don't know about this one - he claims it means that the girl he's referring to is hot but I have a feeling he made it up. Put this one on the stupid expressions pile.

A penny saved is a penny earned (my mom)

You dummy. A penny saved is just a penny saved cheapskate. It doesn't somehow magically double in value...

Speaking of doubling in value:
A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush (my dad)

I must have written about this one before - my dad says this about once or twice a year and I never have a clue what the fuck he's saying. So a few weeks ago I asked him what the hell it means. If this bird I'm holding is worth cash money then who determines it's value? And since the bird is worth twice as much in the bush is the bush a multiplier? I mean if I leave the bush is my bird still worth twice as much or do I have to bring the bush with me to the currency exchange office when I cash in my fowl? Are larger birds worth more? Like say a hummingbird versus an ostrich? How will I hold an ostrich down in a bush? Them shits are vicious...

He never answered me.

Keep your friends close and your enemies closer (my dad)

Why would I keep my enemies closer than my friends? That's just plain stupid. I would keep my friends closer so that they form a human shield between me and my enemies. If any of my many enemies want to get me they'll have to kill a few of my buddies first.

That's like the pot calling the kettle black (one of my employees)

That pot is a racist bastard.


One person's trash is another man's treasure (my handyman)

Nope. I'm pretty sure it's still trash. Unless you're homeless...

Money can't buy happiness (random)

BULLSHIT! If you believe this then please by all means give me your cash. I guarantee you I'll buy some shit that makes me smile.

The grass is always greener in your neighbors yard (my office assistant)

I guess this one happens to be true at my house - my neighbor takes care of his grass using fertilizers and all that jazz to make his shit grow. Meanwhile I don't give a fuck about mine.

By the way "I don't give a fuck" is my phrase of the month. Wanda Sykes is JOKES! Watch:



Let's not beat around the bush (my dad)

Again with the bushes??? Is this bastard trying to get at my precious birds? I have a feeling he knows something about the value of these winged treasures.

I'm gonna keep my eye on him.

It's always in the last place you look (my sister)

Not for me - I keep looking long after I've found whatever I was originally looking for. Sometimes I find other shit.

I'm between a rock and a hard place (my mom)

She was referring to having to fire our janitor. Regarding the expression - I know what a rock is but what in gods worth is a hard place?


Tit for tat (my dad)

WTF is a tat? I don't think I'm comfortable trading up any tits for it. I like tits.

That horse fart is going to be the death of me (my mom referring to my sister)

WOW!! Horse fart?! I'm sure she made this one up.

Come to think of it this expression actually kicks ass. I'm using it tonight.


The fan's going to hit the roof (my mom)

??????????

I think she was trying to say the shit's going to hit the fan. I know it refers to a situation going from bad to worse but the expression is still stupid. The fan splatters the poo everywhere? Who's the bastard throwing this poo around? Why can't he/she just leave it where it belongs?

Franklin "don't give a fuck" Breaker

The cure for stupidity remains elusive

Stupidity is on the rise. According to a recent statistical report (that I created) there has been a dramatic increase in the number of brainless people walking the earth. Here are my results:

International Stupidity Trend

NOTE: According to experts (myself) close to 1/3 of the world's population (32.7%) has gotten stupider over the past 20 years.

NOTE: No country presented in the 2012 data had a prevalence of stupidity less than 20%.

NOTE: Adjustments have been made variable factors such as globalization, inflation, solar flares, taco tuesdays, global warming, Daylight Savings Time and daytime talk shows.

Simple enough the growing trend is partly due to intelligent people having less children than the obtuse. According to me most dummies grow up, fuck other dummies without rubbers, have unwanted pregnancies, and fuck some more. Then their dimwitted offspring repeat the cycle. It needs to stop! Let's take care of this shit before it gets too far out of control. We need more chlorine in the gene pool folks! My suggestion is a long term solution that will bring positive results - let's stop putting obvious warning labels on dangerous products. Accidents are bound to happen more frequently and thick headed folk will eventually die off.

Example:

I tell you why I'm ranting about this shit right now. I just read an article on the stupidest hobby of life. It's called "mermaiding". What the fuck is mermaiding you ask?

"Mermaiding is a fandom in which a woman (or more rarely a man) either buys or makes a mermaid tail for the purpose of swimming in pools, lakes, or just posing on the rocks, usually while being photographed."

WTF?! Why would you do this? Even worse why would you tell people about it? Who came up with this fuckery?

Here's the article

"An Australian woman ­has left her job to pursue her real dream of becoming a mermaid.

After seeing a video online on 'mermaiding,' Mermaid Ayla (as she introduces herself) was inspired to create her own tail, purchase a monofin and learn the all-important dolphin kick, necessary for any budding mermaid."

As Mermaid Ayla mentions in the video, there are hundreds of people around the world who spend their free time as mermaids and mermen, swimming in pools and open bodies of water (a quick search for "mermaiding" on youtube will give you an idea of how they do it). Many also train themselves to be more mermaid-like by holding their breath in order to stay under water longer. While the community of merfolk in the world isn't very large, they are a well-connected and active group. Mermaids and mermen can be found connecting online at MerNetwork where they share tips on making and buying tails, as well as discussing community events like the annual MerConvention (MerCon for short) in Las Vegas. During MerCon, the group will honour merfolk with the World Mermaid Awards, held for the first time last year."

WTF?! They have conventions? Incidentally shouldn't merfolk hold their conferences somewhere on the beach close to water? Las Vegas is in the middle of the desert. Fools can't even get that right. FAIL. And this lady actually quit her job for this shit??? She needs a reality check upside the head pronto!

Fucking crack pot.

EDIT: She's cheating! SHE HAS TWO LARGE FLOATATION DEVICES. I honestly thought one of her Mer Mams was gonna pop out for a second.



EDIT: Insert corny Bonya-esque joke - "I wonder what the pay 'scale' for being a mermaid is?"

Tomorrow I'm quitting my job to pursue my dream of becoming a robot. In preparation I'm going to swallow a gang of wires, microchips and batteries at lunch.

...

Forget the robot idea. I have a feeling ingesting batteries will have a negative effect on my body. Instead I've decided to become a centaur. Ladies looooove centaurs.


When I'm a centaur I'm going to stomp all mermaids out.



Hobby fail.

Frank Breaker *Mermaid Stompa

Another trend that is out of control

^^^

Mona Lisa's facebook picture (she even has highlights)

I’m joining the anti duckface movement. Seriously this shit is out of control… For those of you who don’t know, “duckface” is that ultra hideous facial expression where people push their lips up and out in a weird combination of a pout/smoochy face to make it look like they’ve got big ass lips and high cheek bones.

This duck bill like appearance is most commonly seen in self taken photos. Somehow some chicks (and a few dudes) have gotten it into their brains that the duckface look is hot. Somebody please stop this goddamn epidemic!

Trust me it isn’t attractive in the least. It looks like they're trying to fit the top half of their faces under their lips while on the toilet battling constipation.

The look really is unacceptable…

Except on ducks.

Or on people who actually look like ducks (actually this is more yuckface)...

I’m actually going to call it fuckface from now on because it actually looks like a lot of these chicks are waiting for some dude to skeet on them.

Maybe the next trend will be whaleface?

Yes.

Frank Breaker * Trend setter