Friday, October 26, 2012

Stupid Expressions 2

Here is a list of stupid expressions/colloquialisms I've heard various people say around me over the past since the last stupid expressions post I made 4 months ago.

You must have a horseshoe up your ass (my dad's friend)

WTF? My dad's buddy used this to describe a car accident I had about a month ago where I TOTALED some chick's chevy malibu with my jeep (her fault). I was reversing, the idiot pulled in behind me and my tow hook cut through her shit car like a can opener. There was no damage on my car so according to my dad's friend "I had a horseshoe up my ass". This is supposed to be a good thing? Anything shoved up my ass doesn't sound good to me ESPECIALLY something as large as a goddamn horseshoe...

Actually it sounds like I got into a fist fight with a horse and lost.

She has sex on the legs (my cousin)

Meh. Don't know about this one - he claims it means that the girl he's referring to is hot but I have a feeling he made it up. Put this one on the stupid expressions pile.

A penny saved is a penny earned (my mom)

You dummy. A penny saved is just a penny saved cheapskate. It doesn't somehow magically double in value...

Speaking of doubling in value:
A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush (my dad)

I must have written about this one before - my dad says this about once or twice a year and I never have a clue what the fuck he's saying. So a few weeks ago I asked him what the hell it means. If this bird I'm holding is worth cash money then who determines it's value? And since the bird is worth twice as much in the bush is the bush a multiplier? I mean if I leave the bush is my bird still worth twice as much or do I have to bring the bush with me to the currency exchange office when I cash in my fowl? Are larger birds worth more? Like say a hummingbird versus an ostrich? How will I hold an ostrich down in a bush? Them shits are vicious...

He never answered me.

Keep your friends close and your enemies closer (my dad)

Why would I keep my enemies closer than my friends? That's just plain stupid. I would keep my friends closer so that they form a human shield between me and my enemies. If any of my many enemies want to get me they'll have to kill a few of my buddies first.

That's like the pot calling the kettle black (one of my employees)

That pot is a racist bastard.

One person's trash is another man's treasure (my handyman)

Nope. I'm pretty sure it's still trash. Unless you're homeless...

Money can't buy happiness (random)

BULLSHIT! If you believe this then please by all means give me your cash. I guarantee you I'll buy some shit that makes me smile.

The grass is always greener in your neighbors yard (my office assistant)

I guess this one happens to be true at my house - my neighbor takes care of his grass using fertilizers and all that jazz to make his shit grow. Meanwhile I don't give a fuck about mine.

By the way "I don't give a fuck" is my phrase of the month. Wanda Sykes is JOKES! Watch:

Let's not beat around the bush (my dad)

Again with the bushes??? Is this bastard trying to get at my precious birds? I have a feeling he knows something about the value of these winged treasures.

I'm gonna keep my eye on him.

It's always in the last place you look (my sister)

Not for me - I keep looking long after I've found whatever I was originally looking for. Sometimes I find other shit.

I'm between a rock and a hard place (my mom)

She was referring to having to fire our janitor. Regarding the expression - I know what a rock is but what in gods worth is a hard place?

Tit for tat (my dad)

WTF is a tat? I don't think I'm comfortable trading up any tits for it. I like tits.

That horse fart is going to be the death of me (my mom referring to my sister)

WOW!! Horse fart?! I'm sure she made this one up.

Come to think of it this expression actually kicks ass. I'm using it tonight.

The fan's going to hit the roof (my mom)


I think she was trying to say the shit's going to hit the fan. I know it refers to a situation going from bad to worse but the expression is still stupid. The fan splatters the poo everywhere? Who's the bastard throwing this poo around? Why can't he/she just leave it where it belongs?

Franklin "don't give a fuck" Breaker

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