Tuesday, February 24, 2015

Missed Connections

This new segment is simple - I thought it would be jokes to respond to some of the messages in Craigslist's missed connections section

Bose headphones, Laurier station - w4m (orange line)

You got on at Laurier station at about 10:15am this morning heading in the Cote Vertu direction. You were carrying a green backpack. You were reading a kindle and listening to music on Bose headphones. I thought you were very attractive and kept looking over. It made me smile watching you move your hands along to the music you were listening to. You seemed so into it.
I was the redhead in the grey tuque. We made eye contact a few times before I got to my stop and had to leave.
I've never posted a missed connection before and I'm not one to do this, but if you see this and want to maybe grab a drink some time, get in touch.

Me: Wow. I can't believe you found me! I honestly NEVER check these things. You were soooo cute! I can't believe you took notice of all of those details! Although I must admit that it wasn't a real kindle - it was a "shanzai" reader. It's a chinese knockoff... I'm too broke to afford a real kindle. I know what you're asking - he cant afford a real kindle but he can afford bose headphones? The truth is I stole those. Please don't judge... Anyways let's get together and get that drink!

Her: I don't believe this is real I'm pretty sure you are not the man i saw on the metro. If youre were and if you did indeed notice me then describe me.

Me: You were wearing a grey tuque. The rest is kind of fuzzy... Remember "my" bose headphones? I had just mugged some chick for them and was so amped up from the thrill of getting away scott free I celebrated with a couple bumps of smack. Plus I chugged a 40. I was kind of blitzed lol! Oh and I remember you had red hair? I likes me a redhead... Um... does the carpet match the vanetian venitian horizontal blinds? Is that the right expression?

So how bout that drink???

Her: you suck goodbue forever creep

Me: No madam I do not suck. You suck! You have some nerve... First of all I'm married. With all the details you noticed there's no way you didn't see my wedding ring. Hitting on a married man how low can you get?! Second of all I was not as you describe "moving my hands along to the music I was listening to". I was having a stroke. Remember the heroine I mentioned I took? I kept looking at you cause I couldn't speak and I needed you to call 911. Then you just got off the metro and ditched me. 

Good day biatch.

PS: I'm writing this from my hospital room at Montreal General. I'm in room C407 - if you would like to make it up to me send flowers.

I'll Post more missed connections soon

Frank Breaker

Friday, January 23, 2015

A.V new definitions for 2015

Artificial Vagina New definitions for 2015

Organic (or-gan-ic): more expensive

The News: what's wrong today

Grater (grat-er): a sponge ruiner or finger shredder

Facebook (face-book): a website that promotes stalking where the stalkee doesnt know they are in a relationship with the stalker

Straightjacket (straight-jack-et): a self hugger

Gasoline (gas-o-line): car juice

Fart: an invisible poo

Clown: a transvestite that applied way too much makeup

Boxing (box-ing): a ballet where dancers punch each other

Tickle (tick-le): a type of rape you are forced to laugh through

Hand Sanitizer (hand san-i-tiz-er): a paper cut finder

Clap: a self high five

Tampon (tam-pon): a vampire tea bag

Microwave (mi-cro-wave): the head chef at Bardeco Pizzeria

Beard: a face food storage

Jogging Pants (jogg-ing pants): pants people who don't shower often like to wear

Egg: an organically gift wrapped chicken fart

Gumball Machine (gum-ball mach-ine): a candy aquarium

Blowjobs/blowjays (blow-job/blow-jay): flowers for men

Ninja (nin-ja): an Asian burglar

Frank Breaker

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Ask Frank

Hey Frank - Why do my aids tests keep coming back positive?

Dear Justina
It's because the medical establishment is out to get you.

Hey Frank - Can you lose your virginity if you fall?

Dear Janna
If you fall on a dick yes.

Hey Frank - We are planning on going to montreal in the summer. Do you have strip clubs? If so what are they called?

Dear Gregg
We have the best strip clubs on earth! According to my mom they are called "skinny dipping bars".

Hey Frank - How many states are there in the U.S? Someone told me 50 but that doesn't sound right...

Dear Susan
I'm not sure cause I'm Canadian but whatever number you think it is is probably right.

*Edit: Make sure to remove one because Pluto was demoted.

Hey Frank - Someone dared me to dip my penis in a bowl of hot salsa and now it burns. What can I do to stop the burn?

Dear Chris
Wrap your dick in a whole wheat tortilla.

Hey Frank - Is a plastic bag as effective as a condom? Please answer asap the nearest store is about 1/2 an hr away and I want to get my fuck on...

Dear Stan
Yes but ONLY if you're circumcised. If you're uncircumcised you'll also need one of those twist ties they use on bread.

Hey Frank - WTF is ebola?

Dear Anonymous
Ebola is spanish. I believe it means "grandma" or some shit like that.

Hey Frank -  how come my girlfriend doesn't like to give me blowjobs?

Dear Ian
Because you call it a blowjob! That sounds like work man - no one wants to do an "extra" job outside of work. You should call it a blowcation. Or a blowjay.

Hey Frank - I read your post about the book of genesis (http://theartificialvagina.blogspot.ca/2012/04/bible-stories-retold-by-yours-truly.html). Why are you so cynical?

Dear Jack
Because the bible is full of shit - it has so many plot holes it might as well double as a pasta strainer. For example it says that adam and eve were created by god. They had 2 children, cain and abel. Then cain and abel each got married and had children of their own. WHAT???? To who??? Who the fuck are these broads that they married?

Hey Frank - What's all this hype surrounding the bill cosby rap allegation?

Dear Tanya
It's not an allegation - it's true. His debut hip hop album drops xmas 2014

Hey Frank - Should I put up a dream catcher in my room? I want only good dreams!

Dear Hope
Why not? I have one in my room... well in my case it's a dream crusher. It's a picture of my mom.

Hey Frank - My boss dies the other day. Do I have to go to his funeral? I don't even know the guy!

Dear Sanchez
Why the fuck would you go??? He's not going to come to yours.

Hey Frank - Do you ever check your phone while driving? 

Dear Sam
As a matter of fact I do. It's sad to admit but I don't think I've seen a light to turn green in over a year and a half. When I hear honking that's my cue to hit the gas.

Hey Frank - What's your stance on abortion?

Dear Jacqueline
I see it like this - if abortion is "murder" then a blowjay is cannibalism.

Hey Frank - What's you best invention?

Dear Kim
Good question! My best invention is a car horn that sounds like a gun shot. That'll fuck up the next bastard who cuts me off on the highway!

Frank Breaker

Friday, January 16, 2015

2014 Artificial Vagina Best Videos of Life Award: thug life

I've been killing thug life videos since my infant son slapped me in the face and I googled "baby slaps person". It's jooookes I seriously can't get enough of this shit. Check out my top 10 list 

Number 10 thug: the thug shoe tier

Number 9 thug: the thug swordsman

Number 8 thug: the thug monster hunter

Number 7 thug: the thug shoplifter

Number 6 thug: the thug cake smasher

Number 5 thug: the thug ping ponger

Number 4 thug: the thug defier

Number 3 thug: the thug racer

Number 2 thug: the thug driver

honorable mention... thug slapper

And the number 1 thug: thug infomercialer (starring kathy lee gifford)

Frank Breaker

Thursday, June 19, 2014

Ask Frank

Hey Frank - Why are people against gay marriage? 

Dear Natasha
I have no idea why this is such an issue. For real what's wrong with a gay man marrying a gay woman?

Hey Frank - How do I get my 30 year old son to move out of my house?

Dear Susan
Raise him better.

Hey Frank - Why does my boyfriend always refer to my breasts and vagina as my lady bits?

Dear Kim
Because he's obviously 11.

Hey Frank - I saw a baby with glasses the other day. How can a parent tell their baby needs glasses?

Dear Joe
This is a tough one since babies can't read...
Maybe they squint when looking at picture books?

Hey Frank - Can you boil a sex toy?

Dear Sonia
Please tell me you're not making a dildo soup...

Hey Frank - In the shower have you ever stretched your arm out at an angle where the water cascades off your hand like its shooting out of your fingers?

Dear Bob
Yes. I do this all the time - its like a super power but it would only be useful if the people you are fighting were much shorter than you and their weakness was getting wet.

Hey Frank - What's a good name for a porno in the 1700s?

Dear Charlie
A midsummer night's cream. 
Or the backdoor adventures of Scurvy McTavish

Hey Frank -Why is Wesley snipes so black? He is the blackest black person I've ever seen. PS I don't mean any offence to any of the blacks...

Dear Donald
Wesley snipes is so black because he was born on the sun. He's so black the "free evenings" portion of his free evenings and weekends cell phone plan is always activated. 

Also his blood type is burnt.

Hey Frank - Who is this pee diddy I keep hearing about and why is he named after a bodily function?

Dear Alex
Hes really named Pete Diddy. People misheard him and now he goes by the name Pee Diddy but believe me he's sad... I would be sad too if I was named after urine.

Dear Frank - Is it wrong for me to go after and want to sleep with midgets? I mean Lil people? Its not like preying on the mentally challenged is it?

Dear DeMarcus

No it is not wrong to want to sex a midget. Its even better to "crease" one! Since the ass and thighs are the largest muscle areas on the female body midgets with their compact frames have no where else to keep the fat than on their asses and thighs henceforth creating all kinds of nooks and crannies to rest your dick in. If they stored fat anywhere else on their bodies they wouldn't be able to stay up right.

Frank Breaker

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

New segment - You might be ghetto:

New segment on the vag!

You might be ghetto:

If you use dishsoap as shampoo

If you change the letter s in some words to z's

If the batteries on your remote are held in with tape

If you have more than 3 uses for cocoa butter

If your skin looks like you work in a bakery (ashy as shit)

If you still wear drakkar noire

If you wear your sleep cap outside

If you put on panty hose instead of shaving your legs

If you add water to anything to "stretch it" (make it last longer) like ketchup/mustard, shampoo, dishsoap, etc)

If you pick your teeth with anything other than a toothpick or floss (business cards, string, etc)

If you clean your ears with anything other than a Q tip or cloth (bobby pin, key, etc)

If you like to get you hair and/or nails "did".

If you go to the barber shop and come out with a fresh cut, a new tracksuit and a bootleg movie

If you think tupac is still alive

If you're constantly late for no reason

If you refer to shrimp as "shrimps"

If you say "pissgettis" instead of spaghetti

If you wear colored contacts

If you point at things with your lips

If you pee in the shower

If you don't own oven mitts and use a towel instead

If you use kleenex instead of toilet paper

If you don't know the difference between your and you're

If you wear your sleep cap during sex

If you know your watch doesn't work yet you still wear it

If you have misspelled your child's name in the past

If you bring your own snacks to the movies

If you get distracted by shiny things

If you use dishsoap as bubble bath

If you think elvis is still alive

If your chicken/beef/pork bone has no more meat yet you still continue to suck/chew it

If your butter/margarine container has crumbs in it

If you use bed sheets as curtains

If you think people believe you grew a 12 inches of hair overnight

If your idea of washing your car is leaving it out in the rain

If you use ketchup on anything else other than fries/onion rings/burgers/hot dogs

If you lose 1 hubcap but still keep the remaining 3 on your car

If you have a cracked windshield that you don't plan on fixing

If the bottoms of your feet looks like you've been dancing in flour

If your cell phone is so old that a calculator gets a stronger signal

To be continued...

Frank Breaker

Friday, April 25, 2014

Shit burger experience

I love Harvey’s restaurant. I mean LOVE. But the number of decent locations in montreal is going down the fucking drain. The latest one to go down is the 24 hour one on decarie. I should've been tipped off by the odour as soon as I got in. Ordinarily all Harvey’s restaurants have this particular baked sawdust/dry booty smell which I have gotten used to over the years. I think it's from the meat. The odour saturates everything it touches - the bag, receipt, napkins plus your fingers will smell like ass for a few hours after eating. This time around there was no baked sawdust/dry booty smell. This particular location smelled like feet. Specifically children's feet - which is not as bad a smell as adult feet but it is still bad.

Let me point out it was after 2 am I hadn’t eaten dinner and was hungry as shit. This was the only fast food place open in the area that I was willing to grab food from  
The girl who took my order was missing a tooth...
The girl who assembled my burger was a real piece of work though. With this glimmer of contempt in her eyes she asked what toppings I wanted

- Mustard/relish application was all good. 

Then shit went downhill.

- I asked for lettuce. She dumps a pound of the shit on my burger.
- I asked for onions. She put 2 small ass pieces. When I asked for more she spooned some extra on asking “good enough?”
-I asked for pickles. She put one. I asked for more pickles she put a thousand. WTF is this? I'm not stocking up for winter.
-The tomatoes were translucent. Passed on them.
-I asked for hot peppers and she goes to put those nasty end pieces on. I told her to forget it.
-I asked for ketchup. The psycho perhaps overcompensating for the lack of onions earlier opened the floodgates and poured out an ocean of that red shit onto my burger.

On my way out I asked for ketchup to go for my fries. She drops one packet in my bag. When I asked for more she gave me this look of disdain. What the fuck one packet of ketchup isn't going to put a dent in a large order of fries! I almost told the douchebag if she hates her life so badly a bullet only costs 25 cents. I held back though. After taking a look around I understood her plight - I don’t care how much one gets paid no one is happy to be working at 3am ESPECIALLY when your clientele is mostly composed of drunk bastards. I also noticed that most of the employees looked like shit and no one serving in front had a full set of teeth. I think the guy in the back even had a glass eye - his left eye didn't move at all. By the way never trust the guy in the back. I figure they keep the clinically depressed employees in the back at the grill so they don't creep out the customers. At the Harvey’s on St. Jacques (which is banned by the way) I once watched the dude flipping the burgers leave the grill, handle raw bacon with his hands, then return to touching the buns without washing up. Fucking nasty.

Never again.

Who am I kidding I'm probably going to end up there tomorrow.

Frank Breaker

Friday, March 14, 2014

Ask Frank

Hey Frank - Who cleans up the paint after someone paints the town red?

Dear Carl
It's not paint! Doesn't the saying refer to a lady's "lady days"? In that case shouldn't the lady in question wear a tampon or one of those ones with wings?

Hey Frank - Is a coconut a fruit or nut?

Dear Jon
Fruit or nut?! Are you mad? They're mammals! They do have hair and produce milk...

Hey Frank - Why hasnt nasa gone to the sun? I know it's really really hot there but have they ever considered going at night?

Dear Tanya
Because it's under us at night. The rocket would have to pull a u-turn and turn around. By the time they did that it would be too late

Hey Frank - I just got back from vacation. What did I miss?

Dear Alice
Scroll down.

Hey Frank - Why do you call titties "chesticles"? Why don't you call them chestnuts?

Dear Kiki
I call them "chesticles" to avoid confusion. When I say "chestnuts" I'm referring to the act in which I rub my testicles AKA nuts on breasts AKA chest.

Hey Frank - When you call someone a motherfucker, do you mean that they fuck their own mothers or just mothers in general?
Mrs. Marois

Dear Mrs. Marois
Not at all! For me the word "mother" in this instance simply refers to the "greatest or most notable". Example 1 - "mother of all horror novels = most notable horror novel of all time. Example 2 - You, Mrs. Marois are a motherfucker = most notable fucker of all time.

Hey Frank - Do you have any advice on tipping my fedora and possibly some tricks I can do with it?

Dear Jerome
Depends on the situation. Sometimes I utter the phrase "m'lady" right after the tip. Sometimes to garner attention I let out a small yelp during the tip.Occasionally right after this I do mustache area stroke/finger firing pistols combo.

Hey Frank - Which came first? Fried chicken or fried eggs?

Dear Sam
How the fuck should I know? I'm no ornatholagist ornothallogest bird expert
Ask Colonel Sanders. 

Hey Frank - The waitress at Baton Rouge calls me sweetie. How do I explain to her I'm not ready for a serious relationship? 

Dear Prez
Too late bro. She's already pregnant.

Hey Frank - What's the best thing to fap with?

Dear Marcus
A scotch brite sponge mop. That way you clean up at the same time.

Hey Frank - Where do surnames originate from?
Mr. Hiscox

Dear Mr. Hiscox
Surnames are simply related to family origins (identity and heritage). In the past surnames were also related to your profession. For example, my surname is Breaker. In old England a Breaker was someone who breaks things. I still break things to this day. Just this morning I broke a plate and just now I broke wind. I wonder what your family used to do?

Frank Breaker

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

25 things I like to do from time to time

Do these and enhance your social interactions

1 - Have a conversation with someone only using the word "why"

Example: conversation last friday with my girl's sister

Kay: "And then I took the crib bumper to the cash to pay for it and the cashier told me I couldn't buy it."
Me: "Why?"
Kay: "Apparently it's sold as part of a kit."
Me: "Why?"
Kay: "I don't know! You can buy it online on it's own. The cashier argued and said I could't buy it."
Me: "Why?"
Kay:"Because she's stupid. I told her to get the manager. The manager didn't want to let me buy it either."
Me: "Why?"
Kay: "I don't know. By law they have to sell it!"
Me: "Why?"
Kay: "It was on the shelf with a price on it! They tried to tell me I had to buy the kit. I didn't want to buy the fucking kit."
Me: "Why?"  
Kay: "Cause that's all Bonya had left on his baby registry!"
Me: "Why?"
Kay: "Because everyone had already bought the rest of the stuff he wanted."
Me: "Why?"
My girl: "You do realize he's fucking with you right?

2 - Sing/whistle the "mah na mah na" song incessantly so people get it stuck in their heads

Il Mahna Mahna di The Office by Cooliox

3 - In the memo part of your cheques/checks mark "for sensual massage."

4 - At the drive through say your order is "to go please".

5 - Every so often speak robot voice. When people ask you what you're doing tell them this is how they speak on the moon and you're practicing for when people actually move up there to live.

6 - Yell random numbers while someone is counting.

7 - When someone drops something (i.e keys, paper, etc) and goes to pick it up kick the item away as soon as they get close.

8 - At dinner when someone reaches for a second helping deflect their fork with your fork and yell "BLOCK!". I call this food jousting.

9 - When someone tells you you have food on your face tell them you are aware and you were saving it for later.

10 - Put anti theft detector strips in people's pockets

11 - Walk without moving your arms.

12 - Empty your hole punch in someones umbrella. The next time it rains and they put it above their head and open it they'll get doused in confetti. I call this a confetti bomb.

13 - When strangers ask you questions about shit that isn't any of their business respond with an obvious lie.


Person: "How long does it take to wash your hair?"
Me:"5 hours."
Person:"Really? No it doesn't."
Me:"Okay then 5 minutes."
Me:"Now you have no clue where I'm coming from."
14 - When riding shotgun in a car and the driver gets out to pump gas turn everything on full blast (radio, air conditioner, windshield wipers, 4 way blinkers, etc...) turn on all lights and open the ashtrays and glove box. When they get back in the car and put the key in all of their senses will be attacked.

15 - Say "beep, beep, beep" when a person with a big ass backs up.

16 - Ask your employees/co workers a weird question, say "interesting", mark their answer on a piece of paper and put it in your pocket. Whisper something about psychological profiles and walk away.

17 - Creep people out by never breaking eye contact.

18 - When someone rambles on too much about an issue ask "are you still talking?"

19 - When someone rambles on too much telling a story say "skip to the end".

20 - When someone rambles on too much talking in general pretend to fall asleep with your eyes open, stare right at them, and snore LOUDLY.

20 - Staple papers on the bottom instead of the top.

21 - When someone loses to you BADLY in a game tell them "they just got raped and not in the good way".

22 - Inform certain people that they exist only in your imagination.

24 - At a buffet after finishing eating and paying your bill grab a piece of finger food from the buffet (i.e chicken wing) on your way out and announce "one for the road".

25 - Ask for a big mac at burger king (my mom does this one ALL the time).


Frank Breaker