Thursday, January 31, 2013

Ramen Noodles

We have all tasted ramen noodles at some point in our lives. They suck ass. I mean I completely understand resorting to eating them if you're one of the less fortunate members of society - What I can't understand are people who are more well off (i.e my sister) that still swear by that unholy shit. I've watched her crack open packages prepare them and enjoy them almost like they tasted like t-bone steak rather than salty feet. Personally every time I ate them in university I felt like my life force was slowly being siphoned off...

Isn't the word "ramen" japanese for "defeated"? And why do they bother to mark the different flavors on the packages? There's no chicken in there you fuckface! It's salty dirt!! Its just bricks of noodles and packages of different colored salty dirt.

*EDIT: The sodium content alone is enough to kill a goddamn whale.

I came across this recipe while researching the subject on the internets.

Turn your cheap ramen noodles into a feast! Try grilled steak with ramen

Ingredients

1 (2 pound) sirloin steak 
1 (2 pound) flank steak
1 tablespoon all spice
2 tablespoons of garlic
2 tablespoons freshly squeezed lime juice
3 packages of generic brand ramen noodles
...
I refuse to go on. I cant believe I'm seeing 2 types of steak in the same recipe as ramen noodles! I mean if  you can actually afford the steak why are you still eating ramen? Seriously that shit costs less than a pack of chiclets. This person bat shit crazy... Plus I'm pretty sure they don't sell steak in the food aisle at the gas station. If you actually venture out to a grocery store to buy your ramen why don't you kick this recipe up a notch get decadent and add lobster too? It would be like surf and turf on a bed of wet cardboard. Plus the author doesn't even suggest the legit ramen!

You've heard of "I can't believe it's not butter"? Ramen noodles I henceforth dub thee "I can't believe I'm this broke".








Frank Breaker

Friday, January 25, 2013

Some people need to get kicked in the teeth



Here's today's list of douchebags who could catch a foot


People who you would love to hate but can’t because they are too nice need to get kicked in the teeth.

Parents who don’t control their kids need to get kicked in the teeth. Their kids need to get kicked in the teeth too.

People who answer rhetorical questions incorrectly need to get kicked in the teeth.

White dudes who go outside in shorts in the dead of winter need to get kicked in the teeth.

People who talk to me while I have headphones on need to get kicked in the teeth.

People who walk slow in front of me need to get kicked in the teeth. Move out of the fucking way grandma!

People who don’t wash their hands after they’ve used the can need to get kicked in the teeth. Well done! Now you’re a walking caca-peepee factory.

People who leave my front door open need to get kicked in the teeth. What - were you raised in a barn???

People with shitty tattoos need to get kicked in the teeth.

People who use the word “tatt” instead of tattoo need to get kicked in the teeth.

Women who still support the GOP after all the 2012 bullshit rape rhetoric need to get kicked in the teeth.

The GOP needs to get kicked in the teeth.

A dentist who continues a conversation with you while he works on your mouth needs to get kicked in the teeth.

People who try to touch my hair need to get kicked in the teeth.

Smartass vegetarians who preach their wicked ways need to get kicked in the teeth.

Circus clowns need to get kicked in the teeth.

My weight needs to get kicked in the teeth.

Big bugs need to get kicked in the teeth.

Taco Bell needs to get kicked in the teeth.

Orange Frenzies Freezies (stupid spell check) need to get kicked in the teeth.

Spell check (see above) needs to get kicked in the teeth.

Facebook needs to get kicked in the teeth.

Slow checkout tellers need to get kicked in the teeth.

People who repeat shit to me even though I tell them they already told me need to get kicked in the teeth.

People who repeat shit to me even though I tell them they already told me need to get kicked in the teeth. 

People who repeat shit to me even though I tell them they already told me need to get kicked in the teeth. 

My cellular phone needs to get kicked in the teeth. 

Wait staff who try to jedi mind trick me into adding to my order (i.e: do you want fries with that, cheese on that, etc) need to get kicked in the teeth. I know what I want to eat fuckface. If I wanted cheese on my hamburger I would’ve ordered a cheeseburger.

Drunk strangers who try to give me high fives need to get kicked in the teeth.

Couples who use the same email address need to get kicked in the teeth.

People who walk up on the escalator need to get kicked in the teeth. I shouldn't have to move to let you pass me. If you wanted to walk take the goddamn stairs! Leave the escalators for us lazy folk. Same goes moving sidewalks.

People who say “I saw it with my own eyes” need to get kicked in the teeth. No shit you saw it with your own eyes. You sure as hell didn't see it with my eyes...

People who clip the back of my legs with their grocery carts need to get kicked in the teeth.

People at restaurants who ask “would you like a table?” need to get kicked in the teeth. What the fuck do you think I'm here for? To admire the decor?

People who choose to pee in the urinal right beside me when there are other urinals free need to get kicked in the teeth.

People who use the word "butt" instead of "ass" need to get kicked in the teeth. 
*Edit: possible exception - when children are around.

Strangers who talk to me in public restrooms need to get kicked in the teeth.

People with artificial tans need to get kicked in the teeth.

People who say "volumptuous" instead of "voluptuous" need to get kicked in the teeth.


Shazam!!! Catch a foot with your teeth!

Frank Breaker

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

A.V Alarm Clock




"FUCK!"

Is the first thing I said today when my alarm clock went off. In fact I think that's the first thing I say EVERY day my alarm wakes me up. It's not because I'm too tired or because it's too early - most days I only get up at the crack of noon... it's because the noise of the alarm is jarring. Unfortunately I have to set it to the most annoying tone possible because I'm a heavy sleeper. The only thing that prevents me from bashing my alarm clock to pieces is that it's my cellular telephone...
I don't think alarm clocks were ever meant to be tolerated. The sound of an alarm clock puts my morning off big time. By definition an alarm signifies the occurrence of some undesirable event (ex: Fire alarms, smoke alarms, air raid alarms, burglar alarm, etc). So when I wake up to an alarm the initial sentence that pops in my head during the first few seconds of being "shocked" awake is "what the FUCK is going on?!" Then I snap back to reality mad as hell.

There is one other thing that can wake me up in the morning - a blowjay. I may hate my alarm clock but I love a blowjay. Even the promise of a blowjay is enough to wake me up... this brings me to my new product idea - the Artificial Vagina Alarm Clock.



This product will rock the world. With the Artificial Vagina Alarm Clock you're guaranteed to wake up gently and have a decent day. Even better would be if you can actually convince your girl to give you a real blowjay every morning. But we know that won't happen.

Frank Breaker