Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Halloween back in the day



When I was a kid halloween was the MASSIVE event for me and my crew. It ranked right up there with birthdays and xmas. For us "halloween" was synonymous with "candyrun". I mean costumes played a big role but the ultimate prize was the crop. If you hustled enough you could stock up for months! When it came to the sweet shits we horded like there was no tomorrow. Rule number one? Go as long and as hard as possible. We could only take advantage of this golden opportunity once a year...

Security
Protecting your haul was almost like a post apocalyptic situation where no one but your closest friends could be trusted. Not even my family was privy to the true location of my bounty - I used to leave a bowl of shit candy (black licorice, raisins, rockets, marshmallow stuffed shit, etc) in my closet as a decoy cause my mom and sister used to steal my shit. The real stash was under my bottom dresser drawer. That was when I was old enough to protect my shit. In prior years my mom would "check" my candy under the guise of "safety" (searching for shit I was allergic to, poisons, razor blades, etc...). After she was done I was always ass out of mars bars. She claimed it's cause mars bars had peanuts in them. Bullshit! There's no peanuts in mars just admit you like them! In fact you have cash go out and buy your own. You shouldn't be robbing your son. Goddamn crook.

Costumes
My mom used to insist on choosing/making my costumes every year until I was about 8 and I put my foot down and told her I wanted to choose. Ordinarily the costumes were ok (robot, bat, dracula)... One year I asked to be a ninja. Due to my moms shit sewing abilities and her lack of understanding what a ninja was I ended up looking like a black ghost with a sword and a belt. She had no qualms whatsoever letting me leave the house looking retarded. No one knew what I was supposed to be... That really slowed down my night (see below under "What are you supposed to be?"). The next year her seamstress friend rita decided to fix the costume so the ninja suit it would look more authentic. It ended up looking fantastic! The only issue was that year was I wanted to be a cop. We had all decided to be cops that year... My mom insisted I wear the fixed ninja suit - she felt bad about the time rita had put into it so to discourage me she only bought me the badge, gun and cuffs. I of course wanted the hat and shirt but she said no. Finally she convinced me to combine the costumes. We pinned the badge to my chest and tucked the cuffs, gun and sword into my belt. I became the worlds first ninja cop! It ended up being a cool costume and my crew were all jealous. But of course she insisted I wear my jacket! Why would I want to wear a jacket??? How would anyone see my badass costume? That's when I started bringing an extra pillow case to ditch my coat in.

Hitting the streets
Thanks to my friend scotty boy's 2 older brothers we managed to come up with a kick ass trick or treat system. As soon as it got pitch black we would hit the streets and link up at the park by scotty boy's house - it was me, scotty boy, jay o and white rob (as opposed to black rob). Black rob would always want to come out with us but the rule was we never go out in a group of more than 4. You get more loot that way. Plus no one liked black rob anyway...

We would use pillow cases - plastic bags were for amateurs. Pillow cases were stronger plus they held more.

Jay o was the flash light holder. Only because he insisted - he was obsessed with star wars and would pretend it was a light sabre.

Since scotty boy and white rob were the biggest of us four they were the look outs/muscle - we had to make sure there weren't any bigger kids lurking around to mug us for our shit. *Note - Scotty boy would always have a 2 foot long mini baseball bat in his bag which his brother gave him for protection.

I was the self designated door bell ringer - I made sure to only ring the door when we were all together on the stoop and not a second earlier so we all got approximately the same amount of loot.

We hated houses where punkasses would answer the door to say they had no candy left. Out of stock? Then turn off your goddamn lights and don't waste my time! This is a universal halloween rule.

We also hated the people who like talking to trick or treaters at the door. Whats up with those fools? "Oh I like your costume..." "Give me a trick..." etc... The worst by far was "What are you supposed to be?". What am I supposed to be?! I'm supposed to be at the next house by now so get the candy in the bag! Halloween is about survival of the fittest and we need to keep the ball rolling.

Mrs Johnson's house was one house we would always make sure to hit early. She gave out the good shit. Full sized chocolate bars! Most of the time they were mars, twix or 3 musketeers. And the bonus? A lot of kids in the neighborhood didn't know she had a tenant that lived in the basement. The entrance to his place was in the back - he was one of those lazy peeps who would put out a bowl of candy and would write on it "please take one". Pft! Please take one? That's crazy talk. We would take it all. I would even take the bowl. That's what I would use to put my shit candy in that my family used to steal (as mentioned above)

Post evening wrap up
Trading! We'd end up back where we started at scotty boy's house, dump our candy into individual piles and begin negotiations. We'd always try and convince each other that certain treats weren't good just to get the upper hand in the trade. White rob would aways try and get rid of all his black stuff but he would have to sweeten the deal by throwing in something good. Since I was allergic to peanuts I would trade away all my peanut laced crap. I was a power trader - those fools loved all that peanut shit. Jay o hated anything with marshmallows. Scotty liked mostly everything so he was easy to deal with. Then we'd break out and go home to start planning next year's costumes.


Frank "Ninja Cop" Breaker

Friday, October 26, 2012

Stupid Expressions 2

Here is a list of stupid expressions/colloquialisms I've heard various people say around me over the past since the last stupid expressions post I made 4 months ago.

You must have a horseshoe up your ass (my dad's friend)

WTF? My dad's buddy used this to describe a car accident I had about a month ago where I TOTALED some chick's chevy malibu with my jeep (her fault). I was reversing, the idiot pulled in behind me and my tow hook cut through her shit car like a can opener. There was no damage on my car so according to my dad's friend "I had a horseshoe up my ass". This is supposed to be a good thing? Anything shoved up my ass doesn't sound good to me ESPECIALLY something as large as a goddamn horseshoe...

Actually it sounds like I got into a fist fight with a horse and lost.

She has sex on the legs (my cousin)

Meh. Don't know about this one - he claims it means that the girl he's referring to is hot but I have a feeling he made it up. Put this one on the stupid expressions pile.

A penny saved is a penny earned (my mom)

You dummy. A penny saved is just a penny saved cheapskate. It doesn't somehow magically double in value...

Speaking of doubling in value:
A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush (my dad)

I must have written about this one before - my dad says this about once or twice a year and I never have a clue what the fuck he's saying. So a few weeks ago I asked him what the hell it means. If this bird I'm holding is worth cash money then who determines it's value? And since the bird is worth twice as much in the bush is the bush a multiplier? I mean if I leave the bush is my bird still worth twice as much or do I have to bring the bush with me to the currency exchange office when I cash in my fowl? Are larger birds worth more? Like say a hummingbird versus an ostrich? How will I hold an ostrich down in a bush? Them shits are vicious...

He never answered me.

Keep your friends close and your enemies closer (my dad)

Why would I keep my enemies closer than my friends? That's just plain stupid. I would keep my friends closer so that they form a human shield between me and my enemies. If any of my many enemies want to get me they'll have to kill a few of my buddies first.

That's like the pot calling the kettle black (one of my employees)

That pot is a racist bastard.


One person's trash is another man's treasure (my handyman)

Nope. I'm pretty sure it's still trash. Unless you're homeless...

Money can't buy happiness (random)

BULLSHIT! If you believe this then please by all means give me your cash. I guarantee you I'll buy some shit that makes me smile.

The grass is always greener in your neighbors yard (my office assistant)

I guess this one happens to be true at my house - my neighbor takes care of his grass using fertilizers and all that jazz to make his shit grow. Meanwhile I don't give a fuck about mine.

By the way "I don't give a fuck" is my phrase of the month. Wanda Sykes is JOKES! Watch:



Let's not beat around the bush (my dad)

Again with the bushes??? Is this bastard trying to get at my precious birds? I have a feeling he knows something about the value of these winged treasures.

I'm gonna keep my eye on him.

It's always in the last place you look (my sister)

Not for me - I keep looking long after I've found whatever I was originally looking for. Sometimes I find other shit.

I'm between a rock and a hard place (my mom)

She was referring to having to fire our janitor. Regarding the expression - I know what a rock is but what in gods worth is a hard place?


Tit for tat (my dad)

WTF is a tat? I don't think I'm comfortable trading up any tits for it. I like tits.

That horse fart is going to be the death of me (my mom referring to my sister)

WOW!! Horse fart?! I'm sure she made this one up.

Come to think of it this expression actually kicks ass. I'm using it tonight.


The fan's going to hit the roof (my mom)

??????????

I think she was trying to say the shit's going to hit the fan. I know it refers to a situation going from bad to worse but the expression is still stupid. The fan splatters the poo everywhere? Who's the bastard throwing this poo around? Why can't he/she just leave it where it belongs?




Franklin "don't give a fuck" Breaker

Friday, October 19, 2012

Ask Frank



Hey Frank - I just found out there's a ghost in my house! What should I do?
Laura

Dear Laura,

Move out fool. 

Hey Frank - Do they have strip clubs in the middle east?
Gary

Dear Gary

Yes they do. But instead of showing bare tits/cooch they show their faces. I hear there are some clubs where the ladies wear tassels on their eyes and twirl them.


Hey Frank - My moms stories are so long but I feel I have to listen to them because she pays my rent. How can I make myself look interested so I don't give up the fact that I'm bored to death?
Kev

Dear Kev

I came up with a solution to this years ago - I trim one eyebrow thinner and more curved than the other one so when people talk to me I seem like I'm genuinely interested in their shit stories. It's called feigning interest 101 my friend. I may look like I'm listening but in fact I'm actually thinking about transformers and boobs.

Or transformers WITH boobs...




Hey Frank - Is it how many calories in a snot?

Miguelo

Dear Miguelo,


I can't believe how many of you fools ask this question. Please refer to the following




Hey Frank - The other day I told my man to make me a sandwich and he got mad for some reason. How do I get him to drop the macho act and get him to cook for me? I like his cooking.

Karen

Dear Karen,


You came to the right place for advice on this. The problem is you gave this fella a choice. Next time tell him in a bold confident voice "make me a damn sandwich". He'll do it. Trust me! I said the same thing to my girl two days ago and she got up right away and left the apartment. I think she went to the store to get sandwich stuffs... I can't wait I bet you she comes back with the greatest sandwich of all time! 


Hey Frank - When a lady gets pregnant where does her period blood go? 

Philippe

Dear Philippe

The baby drinks it. All babies live as vampires in the womb until they are born.  

Hey Frank - 4 months ago I had unprotected sex with a guy and every month I get red bumps around my vagina and mouth. What's going on?

Sarah

Dear Sarah,

The guy gave you chicken pox.

Hey Frank - I gave a boy a blowjay at school yesterday. I have a dentists appointment next week and my dad is driving me - Is there anyway the dentist can tell what I did?

Natasha

Dear Natasha,

Only if some of your teeth were knocked out while doing the deed.

Hey Frank - The other day I stole a cd from a music store. Before stealing it I used their bathroom and forgot to flush! Can they get my DNA from my pee? What could happen?
Huey

Dear Huey,


You are FUCKED my friend. Crime scene investigators move extremely quickly on cd theft. Standard protocol dictates that by now they should have already collected the "evidence" and at this moment are about to run your sample through the international pee database. Time to pack up your gear and head out of town before you get pinched.


Hey Frank - I'm in a relationship but this girl at my work has a thing for me. How can I get away with an office affair? She has really big jugs ;)
Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

Like Nike said just do it. After the debauchery tell your co worker that you are on a top secret mission for the RCMP National Security Criminal Investigations division and she needs to keep her trap shut otherwise you'll have her arrested for terrorism.

Hey Frank - If you are pregnant and it is a girl can the baby get pregnant if you have sex again?
Rayna

Dear Rayna, 

Yes! And if the baby's baby is a girl then she can get pregnant as well. This repetition will continue until one of the sub-babies gets pregnant with a boy. It's best not to have sex until the baby is born... Until then I recommend doing mouth stuff instead. 

Hey Frank - In super mario bros how does mario shoot fireballs underwater?
Ryan

Dear Ryan, 

The reason why mario can shoot fireballs underwater is because they are not really fire per se. It is very scientific - mario transforms his chi (spiritual energy) into a thermal energy that has the same properties and characteristics of fire which he is able to expel from his fingertips. It is also waterproof.

Source(s): My brain.

Hey Frank - My uncle died in the living room. What do we do?
Dorothy

Dear Dorothy

Move his ass to the dead room.

Hey Frank - I am taking Pramipexole for cluster headaches. The more serious side effects of the drug are overeating, hyper-sexuality and compulsive gambling. Should I continue taking it?
Marcus

Dear Marcus,

Yes you should keep taking it. You don't want those cluster headaches to come back do you? To combat the side effects eat a hamburger while you sex a prostitute bareback.

Frank Breaker