Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Vegetarian Smash Down

I really have no problem with people who avoid eating meat - in fact it just leaves more for me. My problem is with people who become vegetarians so they can feel superior and fuck with the rest of us. Take this chick who works for me - yesterday she started preaching about vegetarianism and how EVERYONE should become “plant eaters” (I’m paraphrasing here – I have no clue what she actually said at this point). Anyways she was really pushing it. Then she has the audacity to bitch out another employee for eating a hamburger! Chastising someone for their choice of food?? Not on my watch! I stepped in like a true super hero and straight up told the shithead I didn’t like the word vegetarian. My reasoning? Because it’s synonymous with “weak”. True story -Vegetarian = weak. Source(s): Frank Breaker’s 21st Century Thesaurus (AKA my brain). She didn't like that and continued with her sermon.

She went on and on ad nauseam about that shit. Then the crack pot took it to the next level - she noticed the same hamburger eating employee using honey in her tea and said “you know shouldn’t eat that stuff. It’s a product of bee slavery.” Bee slavery????? What the fuck was she drinking? This chick really needed to take it down a notch pronto so I took her out with a rant of EPIC proportions. Here’s some of what I remember telling her

- “You’re NOT helping the environment by being a vegetarian – you’re eating the environment. In fact you're actually taking food out of the mouths of the animals I eat! Put down the trees and try a slice of bacon. You might like it.”

- “If bacon came from people I would still eat it. I tell you right now if that was the case I'd fight a zombie for that shit.”

Then I proceeded to sing the green eggs and ham rhyme replacing green eggs and ham with bacon…

“So I will eat it in a box.
And I will eat it with a fox.
And I will eat it in a house.
And I will eat it with a mouse.
And I will eat it here and there.
Say! I will eat it anywhere!”

- “Why do vegetarians try to create dishes that mimic meat? It’s cause secretly you want to be like the rest of us right? Vegetarian hamburgers, vegetarian hot dogs, etc. It’s all just different labels for poo flavored meat substitute.”

- “I will say many animals are treated poorly on farms…” (especially pigs *see below) “…but until I have the loot to buy and raise my own cows and chickens I’m going to continue eating that shit. I may even try that “free range” fuckery. But stop eating meat on your say so? Hell no!”

- “And by the way stop drinking our milk and eating our cheese! I saw you eating a grilled cheese earlier… You didn’t think I saw you did you? You liked it. I know you liked it. Just so you know the dairy industry is the heart of the meat industry. By drinking milk you are sentencing cattle to a life of misery just as if you were eating a macdonalds.”

- “Nope. Eating animals isn’t wrong. What do you think your front teeth are for? Chopping up meat dummy. Personally I don't mind eating something that had a face… If animals don’t want to get eaten then they should stop tasting good... Seriously if we were not meant to eat meat then cows and pigs would have evolved into faster animals years ago. You don’t hear about people eating cheetahs do you? Cause those fuckers is fast as shit. And gazelles? It takes serious cunning to take them down. And at least animals can defend themselves! Have you ever heard of someone being attacked by a tree or a lettuce? No. So grab your hemp shoes and go suck a carrot.”

She took the hint and toned it down. Luckily our families have been friends for a long time (we actually grew up together) otherwise she’d probably quit and sue me for harassment. And again just to reiterate I have nothing against vegetarians. I just don’t like the mean ‘n preachy ones. I mean I don’t force my carnivorousness on you so don’t criticize me and preach your meal ethics. And respect me like I respect you! For example if I invite a vegetarian friend over for a fancy dinner party I would make sure to prepare some vegetarian dishes for them. Like bean sprouts, tofu, mushroom risotto and whatever else they eat that has no taste. I expect this gesture to be reciprocated. If I come over to eat at your place and you’re vegetarian I expect to be fed some turf (i.e. meat). Cook me something that had a face! Like a steak or a chicken or something similar. PLEASE NOTE: When it comes to beef and pork you’ll want to avoid serving me anything that has the name of the animal in it (ex: cow tongue, cow brains, cow foot, pig’s feet, pig tail, pig snout, pig’s knuckles, etc). Blech! <---- throw up noise.

In fact other than bacon I don’t really fuck with pork any more so hook up a BLT or something.

Or a bacon bra.

I approve.

Breakasaurus Rex.

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