I ain't that baby's pappy

Not 100% sure who your baby's father is? Well now you can find the answer at the pharmacy! That's right - pharmacies now carry home paternity tests. Long gone are the days when you had to wait to appear on a talk show like springer, maury or donahue *EDIT:fucking "donahue" lol that's a funny ass name
Anyways the process is really simple - you bring the kit home, swab the cheek of your little bastard, swab the cheek the presumed father (if you can find him), seal the q tips in specimen envelopes and mail the kit off to a lab. Then in 3 to 5 days your results are mailed back to you. But unfortunately the results from this type of testing are not legally binding so any of you moms out there looking to stick it to your baby's pappy in court you're shit out of luck. You're better off shuffling it down to the maury povitch set where his crack team of super scientists can get you DNA results you can depend on.



"Let's see... I have to get tampons, toilet paper, tooth paste, rubbing alcohol... Oh and since we're here let's see if we can prove who your real daddy is! Let's ask the nice pharmacist to help us. After I'll buy you some candy okay?"

NOTE - home paternity tests only work on dudes who don't have caller ID.

*EDIT: Save yourself the headaches of unplanned parenthood and use one of these before you plow.



I will still watch Maury Povich paternity test shows...


Honestly there's just something about DNA test results being aired on television in front of millions of trashy viewers (myself included) that gets to me. It really brings tears to my eyes... tears of laughter that is.

Here are 3 of my favorites




BAHAHAHAHA I bet this hero didn't even know how to dance before he heard the paternity test result. Swag.

Notice how this dude flaunts his towel as if he sponsored a car that just won the formula 1. Straight up swag.




Look at this dude's performance! I don't even know what he's trying to achieve all I know is he's as excited as a dog with two dicks. I'll bet his moves are causing a sexual frenzy amongst trashy women everywhere... he is soooo getting laid as soon as he gets back to the trailer park.



5000% sure my ass. LOL this champion dancing like he just won the lotto. You don't pull deft moves like this out of your ass. It's his touchdown celebration! I think he's probably been on the show so many times he had to come up with a dance routine.



Even Mary isn't safe. Hahahaha she just ran off the stage hahahahaha

Frank Breaker*Prophylactic/pill enthusiast