Friday, February 10, 2012

Don’t Be a Victim

Horror movies are chock full of idiots who end up getting slaughtered because of their stupidities. You all know what I’m talking about - the fools you yell at that do dumb shit like going into the basement of an abandoned house to investigate noises. Fuck those noises you heard! Go home and live another day! Here’s another example - dude’s being chased by a monster (i.e. demon, ghost, werewolf, vampire, zombie, witch, insect, animal, mutant, psycho, etc). He manages to outrun it and get back to his piece of shit car. He gets in, crosses his fingers, says a couple hail marys THEN tries to start the engine. Of course it doesn’t start so he tries again. BOOM! Success! But at this point it’s too late to get away. The monster proceeds to break the window and eat his shit face. Now maybe if buddy had tried to start the car right away he might have lived? Maybe not. But then again it’s only a movie - the dummy needed to be killed off for our amusement.

Anyways I have put together a survival guide based on mistakes I’ve seen the majority of horror film victims make just before they die. Read it and enjoy! And bonus - if by chance you run into a monster at least you’ll know what to do.

1 - Make sure you own a shotgun. If you can’t get one a pistol will suffice. Also make sure it’s loaded.

2 - When it comes to zombies always shoot/bash/smack them in the head first. This should actually go without saying. If you don’t already know this then you deserve to get killed. Stop reading this survival guide now.

3 - When you’re camping don’t get naked for ANY reason. Monsters love to kill naked people first. Keep your clothes on and you might have a chance at survival. In fact don’t even go camping. You’re better off staying at your local Howard Johnson’s. I’ve done my research - it seems no one gets killed at that hotel chain. I assume it’s probably because there’s a play called ‘murder at Howard Johnson’s’ that was first performed in 1979 - it would be too cliché to massacre anyone there. Trust me it’s safe.

Plus they have cable and free continental breakfasts...

4 - Always check the back seat BEFORE you get inside a car.

5 - If the power goes out don’t go into the basement to check the fuse box. Just say “fuck it” and head to the nearest Howard Johnson’s. Same goes for if you hear a suspicious noise. Go to the hotel and wait until daylight. Then go back home and check it out.

6 - When it looks like the monster is dead don’t assume shit. Grab an ax and cut it’s head off. If you’re using your trusty shotgun shoot it in the face and then keep shooting till you're out of ammo. Then reload and shoot it some more. Then get some gasoline (or any thing that burns hot - butane, kerosene, pizza pocket filling etc) and burn that mother. Then get the fuck out of dodge and set up residence at the nearest Howard Johnson’s.

7 - If someone in your party disappears don’t volunteer to look for them unless you really, really need/love them.

8 - Don’t fuck with a ouija board. Even on a dare. In fact you shouldn’t even have that voodoo board game in your house.

9 - Listen to your kids! If they tell you there’s a monster under their bed or in their closet don’t risk your life by checking. Call a professional. While the pros do their business go stay at the nearest Howard Johnson’s. Wait there until you get proof the thing is dead before returning to your home.

10 - If your friend/spouse seems possessed then they probably are possessed. Best to grab your trusty shotgun and shoot first ask questions later. Make sure you have extra ammo because he/she probably won’t die the first time around (see tip #6). Same rule applies to your kids. Don’t take any chances! If you have trouble doing away with your own children then call social services and let them deal with your haunted offspring.

11 - Don’t fuck with weird shit that belongs to the dead. For example if you dig up some bizarre ancient relic in your yard (i.e. amulet, bones, coins etc) that clearly belong to a dead person throw it in the trash immediately. It was buried for a reason.

12 - Don’t go swimming at night. Monsters love to sneak up on swimmers. Same goes for baths and showers. Just to be safe stay away from all forms of water activity at night.

13 - Don’t be the token black dude in your group. If you’re black and all your friends are white you better make friends with some brothers pronto. Same goes for Asians. Monsters like to smoke us within the first 20 minutes of their killing sprees.

Edit: Same for blondes with big uns. Monsters like to hack them to bits quickfast too. Remember: massive boobs = instant death.

14 - If you’re home and you notice a window that you’re sure you shut has been opened, dive out that fucking window and get your ass to the nearest Howard Johnson’s pronto. Don’t even think about closing it and staying home. The monster that came in through that window is most likely in your house waiting to murder you.

15 - If you’re low on gas and come across a deserted gas station don’t even think about stopping. Keep driving! It could potentially be the worst/last day of your life. Better yet just make sure your CAA/AAA membership is up to date and give them a shout.

16 - If you’re in a group NEVER go off on your own. Unless a monster is chasing all of you and you need to use some of the others as distraction while you get away. Just trip the slowest ones and save yourself.

Edit: Also never say “I’ll be right back” cause chances are you won’t.

17 - If someone suggests you go to any of the following locations tell them to fuck off: elm street, amytiville, lochness, lake eerie, crystal lake, sleepy hollow, planet LV - 426, El Rey, Transylvania, gatorland, sewers, abandoned houses, the titty twister bar, the Bermuda triangle, etc)

18 - If you receive an unmarked vhs cassette in the mail just mark it return to sender.

19 - If anything in your house starts to shake (plumbing, fixtures, pictures, etc) it's time to bounce. Ditto goes for if your kid gets stuck in the TV. Leave him/her for dead.

20 - Never take shortcuts.

There. I potentially just saved your life. You’re welcome.

Frank Breaker

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