Ask Frank

Hey Frank - Should I have a baby after 40?
Penny

Dear Penny,
I don't think you should. 40 babies is enough.

Hey Frank - Someone just told me to check myself before I wreck myself. What does this mean? 
Charlie

Dear Charlie
It's actually check yourself before you shrek yourself. It means if you don't curb your talk shit attitude you'll turn into a fat green ogre.

Hey Frank - My son is wetting the bed. I tried rubbing his nose in it and hitting him with a newspaper but nothing works. Do you have any advice?

Marcela

Dear Marcela

It's called urine indication. He's just marking his territory. Having him neutered will solve the problem.

Hey Frank - What would You do for a klondike bar?
Mike

Dear Mike
I would go to the store and buy one.

Hey Frank - Do the words "broth" and "brothel" have anything to do with one another?
Taki

Dear Taki
The short answer is yes. The long answer is no.

Hey Frank - Is it pronounced "potato" or "potato"?
Tunde

Dear Tunde
The first one.

Hey Frank - My sister has a pet bald eagle. It attacks us all the time - how can we make it happy?
France

Dear France
Get it a prescription for generic rogaine (generic is cheaper). Bald eagles have anger issues because of the hair loss. Or buy it a toupée.

Hey Frank - If superman is faster than a speeding bullet what changes now that Usain Bolt is the fastest man alive?
Marco

Dear Marco
It means that Usain Bolt CAN'T be shot. He was trained that way - you know how they use a starter's pistol at track events? That's an homage to the origins of the sport. Back in the day the people used to shoot real pistols at the athletes. Hence the need for them to "sprint"...

Hey Frank - My girl says she's going to yogert class but all she does is stretching and never eats no yogert. What's the deal?
Chad

Dear Chad
She is learning how to eat "yogurt" the way it was originally intended. The stretch poses are actually positions to hold so the yogurt bypasses the stomach and goes directly into the intestines to clean them out. That's why people are talking so much about probiotics these days.

Source(s): My brain 

Hey Frank - I've read your posts about religion. Since you're an atheist what will you say to God when he picks you up and throws you out of Heaven?
Jaqueline

Dear Jackass Jaqueline
I would say "lift with your knees".

PS: I wouldn't exactly classify myself as an atheist per se. I just don't give a fuck. 

 


Hey Frank - Could you keep the noise to a bare minimum? I'm trying to sleep.
Lili

Dear Lili 
I need to dance!

Hey Frank - Why does my dog look at me weird when he defecates?
Sam

Dear Sam
Because you're looking right at him. Don't you like privacy when you poo?

Hey Frank - Is Soy milk Spanish for I am milk?
Pamela

Dear Pamela
Yes.

Hey Frank - Why do I cry whenever I cut onions?
Niv

Dear Niv
I imagine it's because you're suffering from some deep seated emotional trauma involving onions. Were you assaulted by an onion as a child? You should probably see a specialist. I recommend the dude in the produce section at costco.

Hey Frank - Why do all strippers smell/taste the same
Marcus

Dear Marcus
Because they all drink the same tears and bathe in the same sink.

Hey Frank - Have you ever been caught looking at women's breasts? 
Joe

Dear Joe
All the time. It's ok - it's 2013 and it's all about making oneself happy. 

Hey Frank - 01100001 01110010 01100101 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 00100000 01100110 01101100 01110101 01100101 01101110 01110100 00100000 01101001 01101110 00100000 01100010 01101001 01101110 01100001 01110010 01111001 00100000 01100011 01101111 01100100 01100101?
Mother

Dear Mother
01111001 01100101 01110011 

Frank Breaker