Thursday, October 10, 2013

Worst candies of all time

Halloween is just around the corner Breaker fans! I know that a lot of you will be answering your doors to trick or treaters come the 31st. Time to school some of you shit puddles on the garbage candy you've been giving out... after all you don't want to be known as the "Bad Candy House" do you? Believe me I'm here to help. Here's my roundup of the worst candy some of you dipshits give out at Halloween.


Plain fucking raisins. What is that shit?

This is Halloween NOT a fucking lunchbox. If you feel the need to give out fruit on the most holiest of days then make sure it's covered in sugar. Ain't nobody got time for antioxidants and bioflavonoids! Leave them shits with the carrot and celery sticks. I mean what's next? Hummus? If fruit winds up in a candy sack on Halloween, make sure it's doused in chocolate or caramel otherwise you're asking for trouble.

Hot Tamales

What happens when sinutab and cinnamon gum have sex? They spawn hot tamales. For christ sake candy is supposed to be sugary sweetness/sourness! What is this nasal cavity blasting burst of fucking spicy cinnamon frankentrash? Someone find me an angry mob - we need to burn this abomination pronto.

 ^ This kid needs to settle down ^

Candy Corn

Finding a package of candy corn in your candy sack on Halloween is straight up like finding a package of sadness. They have less sugar than raisins! I also read somewhere that they have mineral oil in the ingredients. Mineral oil! That's a fucking laxative man. Don't feed people shit coaxing corn disguised as candy dude. It's bad karma. By the way - the Johnsons (above) can eat a dick.

*Edit: candy corn is what I imagine birth control pills taste like.

Black Licorice

How do you tell where the horrible people live in your neighborhood? Easy. Whichever houses gives out black licorice has at least one asshole living there. That shit ain't candy. Rather than choke down a piece of black licorice I might as well eat some electrical cord insulation and call it a night. It's the same shit.

^ Electrical cord insulation ^

Tootsie Rolls

Perhaps the most vile candy ever to occupy space on earth. Here's a rough draft of the letter I plan on sending to the tootsie roll company.


It's 2013. You need to stop. Regular tootsie rolls, fruit flavored, mini, lollipop, whatever, your shit candy is not enjoyable in any form. Nobody cares how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie pop because the filling is repugnant. No Sirs, we do not like tootsie rolls. At all.

Scrap the formula and head back to the drawing board.


Franklin Delano Breaker

PS: We also know you haven't made any new tootsie rolls since 1937. No one ever asked for them. NO ONE. And yet they're still forced on us - somebody dumps them on trick or treaters on the previous halloween, they don't get eaten and their parents turf them to other people come next halloween. It's a shit candy vicious circle.Quite frankly I'd rather eat razor blades.

Frank Breaker

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