Horror film monsters I could beat the shit out of
1: The birds from The Birds
Monster: Birds of all kinds suddenly begin to attack people in increasing numbers and with increasing savagery.
Solution: They're fucking birds. I could kick their asses with a clean, crisp window. Or a tennis racquet.
Chance of beating the birds: 100%
2: Chucky from Child's Play
Monster: Serial killer Charles Lee Ray invokes some voodoo spell before he's put to death resulting in his soul being transferred into a toy.
Solution: For real Chucky is a shit plastic doll. Considering the quality of the garbage made in china you could easily rip him into pieces, put the parts in different boxes then megatron them to the bottom of the sea. I could kick his ass with half a scissor.
Chance of beating chucky: 100%
3: The tomatoes from Attack of the Killer Tomatoes
Monster: A town is under siege from possessed killer tomatoes out to murder everybody.
*EDIT: Did those people in the photograph get killed in the film by tomatoes for real?
Solution: THEY'RE FUCKING TOMATOES. I could kick their ass with a gang of grandparents.
Chance of beating Killer Tomatoes: 120%
4: Jack Frost
Monster: When a truck transporting serial killer Jack Frost collides with a genetics truck, his body is infused (HA!) with snow and turns him into a murderous snowman.
Solution: Killer snowman??? What a waste of a genetic truck. I could kick his ass with a lighter. And not even a zippo or one of those butane deals - just a cheap ass lighter from the dollar store. You know - the ones that don't even light off of the first few sparks.
Chance of beating Jack Frost: 99%
5: Gingerdead Man
Monster: Serial killer, Millard Findlemeyer (that's his name for real?!) is sent to the electric chair. His ashes are given to his mother (who happens to be a WITCH) and she decides to avenge her son’s death by mixing his ashes into a gingerbread mix and sending it to the surviving victims of his most recent killing spree.
Solution: He's a fucking piece of pastry. I could kick his ass with a glass of milk.
Chance of beating Gingerdead Man: 110%
And last but not least...
6: Madea from the Madea horror films
Monster:You know who the fuck she is.
Solution: I could kick her ass by running Tyler Perry down with my jeep.
Chance of beating Madea : 100% (provided I find Tyler Perry and have a car with me)
Frank Breaker: Monster Slayer