Clothes Fail

I don't understand how some people can look at themselves in the mirror and think "damn I look good today - I should go out into the world and show off ". This post is dedicated to all of those delusional douchebags who've gone WAY off the spectrum of reality.



She's smiling because right now her vagina just got tickled by the family of gerbils living in her pants.


Meanwhile back in santa's workshop...
WAIT A SEC! Do the stripes on her bag match her hair and shoes too????????????????????????


Don't fret dude! I don't think any ladies are worried.


This is the worst case of elephant knuckle (male camel toe) that I've seen in a while. You'd think once his testes switched sides he'd realize these aren't skinny jeans.


Just looking at this photo makes me want to go get a penicillin shot. Na I'm kidding. I'm sure she can count the number of dudes she's slept with on one hand. Provided she's using a calculator...



That day she used a construction crane to pull her shorts on.


The one on the right kind of looks like a ninja turtle villain. I think his name is be bop.


Why? In what universe is it normal to go out dressed like this? This one is making my brain hurt. "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" - Gandolf the Grey


These shorts are so tight I doubt this girl is ever going to the bathroom again. Wait! Her shirt says she's an upgrade? An upgrade from what??????



...
WHAT THE FUCK?! I'm so rattled by this image I don’t even think I can come up with a decent caption for this. You're on your own.

Um...
Just because they make the material doesn't mean it has to be used.


Looks like her stockings barfed up her skirt shirt.



Look what a person straight from cartoon land can do!



I’m having some trouble understanding what’s going on here... I doubt she even owns a mirror. Or a bra.


Hottest chick in the game huh? I assume the game is rigged.


3 reasons why this dude isn't out raping somebody right now
1) He's too broke to buy/rent a white van
2) He lacks the upper body strength needed to violate a person.
3) His potential prey can see him coming a mile away


This guy has thirty something semi employed middle class douchebag who gets drunk on his parents' money written across his face. I believe he also masturbates himself raw to tranny porn.


Observe - her booty looks like a garbage bag full of video cassettes.



Looks like her skin is trying to swallow up every piece of clothing she's wearing.

This dude's all like “let me make my proportions look as fucked up & weird as possible so I get more attention.” Either that or he just shit his pants and is trying to keep the mess as far away from his crotch as possible.



This dude's outfit is playing a game of charades with us, and it's secret phrase is "I'm gay." Straight up this outfit is REALLY good at charades.



This he/she is out of control but that's ok cause the true sign of a great hipster is not being able to determine their gender...



Dude. Stay home and try again tomorrow.


This shit looks like it was made out of a pink garbage bag that she tied off at the waist with a twist tie.



This dude is obviously wanted by the cops. And not because he's a menacing criminal but because he's dangerously out of touch with reality. Count dracula looking motherfucker.


High waisted '80's jean shorts combined with a bra and table cloth jacket = straight up mess.


This dude just stepped out of that bar scene in star wars.


So did she.


Ladies meet Larry Fruithandler. He enjoys consuming large amounts of coffee, eating children's cereal and long strolls down the coast to "coolville".

These are not shorts. I think he somehow lost most of his pants on on his way to the party. Possibly to a dog or in a fight with a homeless person. Maybe he was so trashed he only realized the next day that this was his look the previous night? Hmm... Yeah I doubt that.


This douchebag woke up in his apartment (i.e oversized van parked in a parking lot) thinking "today I'm dressing too cool for school". Unfortunately in the real world his clothing choice screams "I'm lost in space and I'm not aware that I look like a complete dickhead". I'll bet he also smokes some form of hard to obtain foreign cigarettes (i.e gauloises) because he's convinced it really pulls his look together.

Fucking crackpots.

Frank Breaker

the 2011 Artificial Vagina Blog Mother of the Year photo contest

It's time for the 2011 Artificial Vagina Blog Mother of the Year photo contest! Ladies and gentlemen allow us to present last year's submissions.

"When I grow up I want to be like mommy!"

This shit is funny as hell but kind of sad... I mean these chicks are wacked! Titty flaunting and booty popping in front of their kids??? Bahahahaha I bet top dollar the first words out of ANY of these kids mouths is going to be "make it clap". Man alive! Every single one of these kids is going to end up being a warped mother fucker.

Actually come to think of it I remember back in the day when I was like 14 or 15 we had this friend Steve who's moms was a nude model. His pops was a professional photographer and dude's portfolio was chock full of scandalous nekkid pics of her. Steve was annoying as shit but his moms was smoking! The only reason to go over to his spot is cause we all knew that portfolio would eventually make an appearance (and bonus - most times his moms would be home). The fucked up this was Steve didn't see anything wrong with the pictures - dude had grown up believing it was art. Yeah right... Art. Meanwhile his friends were all taking turns in the bathroom with the portfolio studying his mom's "art". Plus his moms would always order pizza for us. BEST HOSTESS EVER. I wonder what happened to steve? Meh. He probably blows dudes for cash now. But I digress... back to the contest! I can just imagine the conversations that take place while these photos are being taken...


Kid: Mommy I'm hungry.

Mom: Hold on baby... Mommy needs to earn her paycheck.



Kid: Mommy I'm hungry.

Mom: Baby you know you don't really have a bright future... Let Mommy show you how to make the real cash. Take notes...



Kid: Mommy I'm hungry.

Mom: Hey! Don't you like what you see? Keep taking pictures.




Kid: Mommy I'm hungry.

Mom: Wait till I'm done. Mommy isn't always gonna be able to drop it like it's hot so she needs to do it now while she still can.



Kid: Mommy I'm hungry.

Mom: Mommy just needs to send a picture to "uncle" rico. While I'm doing this try not to drown.



Kid: Mommy I'm hungry.

Mom: Hold on. Mommy's in heat again! Gotta make this happen. How would you like a baby brother or sister to play with?



Kid: Mommy I'm hungry.

Mom: Hold on baby Mommy needs to get this profile pic on facebook. Okay baby? ... Baby? Shit. Did you died?




Kid: Mommy I'm hungry.

Mom: Shit... Mommy spent all her money on meth today . You'll eat tomorrow. Maybe...


Kid: Mommy I'm hungry.

Mom: Baby just take the picture! This is how I'm going to get your daddy back.



Kid: Mommy I'm hungry.

Mom: Wait! Mommy's trying to learn you something. And this (points to vagina) is where babies come from...



Kid: Mommy I'm hungry.

Mom: Quiet! Mommy needs to earn loot to to get her drink on.



And the winner of the 2011 Artificial Vagina Mother of the Year photo contest is...



Kids: Mommy we're hungry.

Mom: Let's just get this family photo took before child services shows up.



Sigh... this is just proof positive that certain people just shouldn't be allowed to procreate.

Frank Breaker

Cruises

Ok people! My girl and I have been thinking about possibly taking a cruise this year. I’ve never been on one and for the first time yours truly (Frank Breaker), is asking the questions.

- Will I get sea sick? What is sea sickness??? If I get it will my genitalia be safe?

- Will I be invited to dine at the captains table? If so will I need a classy dinner jacket or some stylish cardigan slash bow tie combo?

- Can I call the captain “cappy”? Will he be a corn cob pipe smoking weathered surly type?

- If I get off the boat for an excursion is it possible to miss the boat back to the other boat?

- Can I go shark fishing? If so are there facilities on board where I can clean and cook my catch?

- If my boys biz, prez and bonya become stowaways where can they sleep? Not in my room... I hear the cabins are so small you have to go outside to fart because there's no room for the extra air.

- What time is dinner?

- Is there a conference room and internet access for temporary sea bound artificial vagina office?

- Can I carry a pistol on board for protection? I hear there are no laws on the open seas.

- Can I stand beside the diving board and say “walk the plank” to every passenger who uses it?

I figure this is a good subject to discuss on the vag. So let’s talk cruise ships! Specifically lets talk about this disaster that’s been in the news lately

Francesco Schettino captain of the Italian liner Costa Concordia that sank 2 weeks ago.

Let’s begin with the fact this hero sunk a MASSIVE billion dollar boat. How? By driving it into land. I’m not a sailor but I’m pretty sure DIRT is up on the top 5 things you want to avoid when driving a boat. And then after crashing he tip toed out the door! Isn’t there a nautical phrase/rule that says the captain always goes down with the ship???? This dude was like ‘fuck that noise I’m out’ and bounced. The coast guard even told him to go back to the ship - he refused!!! The cruise line should have known he would abandon ship at the first sign of trouble - the following photo was sent to us from the artificial vagina Italy office. Apparently this is Francesco boat racing last summer

Come to think of it I’d probably do the same… I mean if that rule really does exist then the “women and children first” rule exists too right? If so I’m packing a wig, dress and clipper in my luggage. There is NO way I’m swimming to shore. There are fish and shit in those waters waiting to nibble at my testes. Not to mention the sharks.

Coincidentally the ship sank close to the 100 year anniversary of the titanic sinking. Maybe the captain was a huge fan of the movie he decided to stage his very own re enactment?

EDIT: Now some chick Domnica Cemortan claims she was with the captain on the bridge and defends him saying he worked tirelessly and "saved over 3000 lives". Apparently she was dining with "colleagues" in the ship's restaurant when the ship hit the reef. Then she was “summoned” to the bridge to translate instructions for passengers, since she speaks several languages. That's some major league bull shit. According to the wait staff in the restaurant she had been dining with the captain himself! He probably invited her to the bridge to shoot a shot across her bow (nautical terminology).

The captain was like: “Mingaaa ohhhhh! You ah ona da bridge wid ah da captain how about you play da flute on ah my canole? Watch ah me steer while you blow my... Ah shit! Baddaboom I hit ah da rocks! Stop ah da suck an help me with ah my pantalones!!! I think I cacagatz in my underwears! I have ah to get off da ship pronto.

I guess you can say she went down on his ship. Prime example that sometimes boating and sexing don’t mix. But then again beggars can’t be cruisers. Haha.

Frank Breaker

Ask Frank: Dating and Sex Advice

Hey Frank - This guy at work has been eating my yogurts out of the common fridge. The other day I caught him red handed but he lied and said his girlfriend brought it in for him... I'm too shy to confront him but when I get home it's all I can think about. What should I do?

Sounds like either you're passive aggressive or a giant panzy. You should plow his girlfriend. Or stop bringing in yogurt.

Hey Frank - I recently decided to change from pads to tampons. What brand should I use?

I would go with tampax pearl. Don't pearls grow in clams as well as oysters? Sounds like a natural fit to me...

Hey Frank - Why does my husband think it’s OK to force my head down while I'm giving him head?

Because he's trying to kill you sweetheart! To stop him you need to get a divorce and change your life insurance pronto. Replace his name for some generic name until you find a replacement. Let's see... what's a good name to use for the time being? Got it! Put "frank breaker"wherever his name appears.

Hey Frank - Sometimes when I pee steam comes out of my penis hole. What is the cause?

The steam heat that come out is actually magic smoke. It means you're a witch! Like that gandolf dude. The next girl you sex will probably birth to a dragon.

Hey Frank - Every year my wife makes out with Santa. It predates our relationship - she told me about it when we first started dating. It's her annual guilty pleasure and she refuses to stop. I told her I didn’t mind cause I thought we’d get better presents. Last year our son caught my wife kissing Santa underneath the christmas tree. He's confused. What can I tell him?

Tell him your wife is a hooker and full up her stocking with coal.

Hey Frank - During rigorous sex I accidentally rammed my wife's anus. How do I prevent it from happening again?

Jesus! I feel for you man... I never understood why the hershey factory is so close to the hot pocket. My suggestion is to use duct tape.

Hey Frank - Why don't I feel anything when I wear a condom?

Because they are made out of the same shit they make bullet proof vests from.

Hey Frank - I think I might have sex with a girl soon but I don't know what to do. We just started sex ed class. Any tips?

As homework you should watch a pornography and in class show and tell some of the sweeter moves on the first aid doll.

Hey Frank - I want to order a fleshlight but I don't want my parents to see the box and find out. If I ask will they wrap my package up in plain brown paper?

If they wrap your package up you don't need the goddamn fleshlight.

Hey Frank - My boyfriend likes girls with a lot of hair down "there". Should I grow mine out?

Your boyfriend suffers from hirsutophilia. Personally I don't like hairy vag but to each his own. Go ahead! If you love him why not dread your bojingo? Or for a quicker option glue on some hair extensions.

Hey Frank - My dog keeps humping my girlfriend's leg whenever she comes over. Why?

Because he's trying to show you how it's done. He's a true playa son!

Hey Frank - My girlfriend likes me to ask her hot questions while having sex. What are some sensual things I can ask?

Boy did you came to the right place for this! The next time you start jamming whisper any of the following sweetness into her ear:

-Is your mom/sister hot?
-Do you have gas?
-Have you ever thought of a boob job?
-What's that smell?
-What's your name again?
-Did/can you wash under your boobs?
-Can I make a quick phone call?
-Do I have a porn star penis?

Hey Frank - What are the effects if a vagina has not been penetrated in over 2 years?

It gets dusty and grows cobwebs.

Frank Breaker *Sex and Dating Specialist

Decline in Male Public Restroom Etiquette

Decline in Male Public Restroom Etiquette

Technology has greatly contributed to the cross pollination of cultures with the creation of a global village. We are tightly bound together through communication networks, and the advance of technology is allowing for faster and more efficient transportation networks. In my opinion this proliferation is the direct cause of the decline in male public restroom etiquette. I mean why is it no one these days seems to follow the rules while in the can? The following serves as a refresher for or those of you who have forgotten the standards that were put forth by our forefathers.

When you walk into the restroom please observe the following process:

GET IN

DO YOUR BUSINESS AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE

WASH YOUR HANDS

GET OUT

It's all about efficiency gentlemen. The next time you make use of a public restroom please make sure that you put your conceptual “man hat” on and avoid engaging in any of the following behavior:

Urinal Talkers: Strangers/co workers who feel the need to engage in conversation while emptying their bladders. I'm in there to tcob (take care of business), not have some lively, devil may care conversation about the weather or last weekend’s shenanigans. Dude I’m holding my dick trying to imagine a happier place than a filthy ass restroom. You should do the same. Understand the can is not a place to mingle and make new friends goddamnit. I believe in some societies it's actually common place to shoot urinal talkers where they stand (*see illustration above). NOTE: there is only one situation when talking is tolerated - after accidentally farting you may excuse yourself to the rest of the restroom occupants.

New Neighbors: If I’ve taken the first or last urinal/stall under no circumstance are you allowed to take the next urinal/stall beside me! There must be a buffer zone between us. If there is no other urinal/stall then you should wait for a vacancy. There's no need to crowd me when I’m pissing… If I see your shoes in the stall or feel your stank breath on my neck at the urinal I'm going to make sure to pee on your pants.

Stall Talkers: People that talk to you from within a stall. They are more annoying than urinal talkers because they converse between grunts. NOTE: there is only one situation when talking is tolerated - after accidentally farting you may excuse yourself to the rest of the restroom occupants.

Courtesy Flush: Should require no further explanation. Please use this procedure to limit your stink dookie aroma out of courtesy for other restroom occupants. We don’t need to smell the expelled tacitos and salsa you had for lunch.

Phone Talkers: Texting on the can is fine but don’t be the guy who takes/makes phone calls while doing his business. Whatever the subject matter of the phone call it can wait until you reach the sink.

Creepers: Self explanatory. These pervs look through the stall cracks to catch a glimpse of your action. If you catch one smash him in his grill with the stall door. NOTE: Most of the time a creeper grows up to be a glory holer.

Shiss Fingers: (Shiss = shit and piss) – These are the unhygienic assholes who don’t wash their hands after using the facilities. Come on man! Now all the bacteriums from your dick and anal are all over your hands. Then you walk out of the can touching everything in sight getting aids all over the door handle, the bus, your food, your cat, your mom, your money, your girlfriends face etc… Bravo hero.

Edit - Even worse than the shiss fingers assholes are the fraudulent sloshers - the bastards who turn the water on slosh their hands around in the water and leave the restroom without ever touching the soap.

Start respecting the rules you bastards.

Frank Breaker

This tattoo is chock full of fail

"Tat my name on you so I know it's real
Tat my fuckin name on you so I know it's real
I know it hurts, but I ain't tryna hear it
Cause when I'm not around, I still be there in spirit"

Drake

Check out superfan over here - can you believe this space cadet actually walked into a tattoo parlor, chose a font and had "drake" tattooed across her forehead??? She paid to have this done! She got her 15 minutes of fame and a lil bit of drake attention, but now what? It doesn't get much realer than this... She should celebrate with a glass of bleach.

Honestly this fails on all levels in life. I guess you can say she gave drake some head hahahaha

She was ugly anyways. The tattoo ups her value.

Frank Breaker

*Edit: Is she really that thick headed or is this a ploy so she can sue drake blind for influencing her?

Public sex FAIL

Most people like their sex in somewhat normal places. Personally I likes my sex at home. My bed's comfy as hell, I'm usually already buck naked and I can go to sleep right after. BONUS - I'm close to the kitchen so I can make a sandwich or some tacitos if I feel peckish. Chairs and sofas can be cool to... in fact there's a lot of places that are decent - anywhere in the house, on the house, under the house, in your boys house, in a log house, in your parents house, in a beach house, in a farmhouse, in a warehouse, in a hen house, a dog house, an outhouse (blech! fuck no), a nut house, in the white house, a light house, at colombia house, on a plane, a train, an automobile, the batmobile, the oscar meyer mobile, a cab, a balloon, a hotel, motel, holiday inn (say what), atlantis, space, etc... Why public sex? Some folks think that boning at home is boring. Some like to get back to nature which just means they're so gung ho ready to go they get down wherever they get a chance. It could also be that they just want to spice up their sex lives or maybe they get off on the risk of getting caught. Maybe they like the idea of being watched... But for the life of me I can't understand how these two fools can get down like this! Check this out - these 2 fiends started to jam in the subway train and were told by fellow passengers it was inappropriate to plow on the floor. So the "respectable" couple got off at the next stop and proceeded to bump uglys on the subway platform. Even homeless people have the good sense to fuck BEHIND dumpsters not in them... . Nasty with a capital N. On what planet is it cool to plunk your naked fat ass onto the dirty piss and puke stained metro floor to plow? You know nobody washes that shit! How horny can you possibly be????? Now you got e.coli, salmonella, shigella and methicillin-resistant staph aureus all up in your sex organs playas! High five.

And to top things off this debauchery happened in toronto. The cops eventually came and busted up the fuckfest. I say they should have at least let them finish - if the dude came with the thunder they might have tipped over the edge vagina first onto the 3rd rail. Then they'd have to rename the station the "smoked salmon" stop.You know... cause of the smell. Public sex FAIL

Frank Breaker

Free: Several sand wasps nests - sand wasps included

This summer I discovered the sandbox at my work was infested with sand wasps (known as bembix speciosis to the nerds out there). My mom still doesn't believe me - her reasoning? "Bees don't live underground". What kind of BS argument is that? They're not bees Ma! I even had to resort to bringing in a specialist (i.e exterminator) to break it down but the idiot still wouldn't listen. Fuck it I figured I was on my own at that point. The exterminator told me the first step to try was pouring soapy water on the sand. So thats what I did - I spent about 2 hours drowning the bastards in gallons of that shit which took care of the problem for approx. 2 months. In late september the assholes came back. Apparently the next step is to dig up the nests and haul them away. Fuck that noise! I'm not digging shit. So I've decided to give the nests away to anyone out in the internets who is interested. I need these bastards out of here pronto before the ground freezes! I don't want to deal with it again next year. Right now they're all down in the ground sleeping off the summer but if you plant them in your yard next summer you can train them to make honey for you. Mmm Mmm! Goddamn doesn't that sound good?

Item: Lot of several sand wasp nests
Brand: Bembix speciosis (black and white with bright green eyes)
Size: Various
Flavors: Waspy
Age: Who knows
Price: Free! All you need to do is pick them up before the ground freezes

I have a few stipulations for this lot

1) You must also take the sand
2) I will not help dig, load or deliver shit
3) I have no clue how many sand wasps there are in each nest - you get what you get. No guarantees

Free: 12 empty beer bottles and 1 beer can

Free box of 12 assorted beer bottles and one beer can. None of them are mine and I don't intend on keeping them - to me they're about as useful as a fistfull of assholes. I suspect that each one was abandoned on my property by their owners within the last 3 months. I discovered them hiding under my hedge while raking my yard a few weeks ago. All of the bottles are in prime condition with their labels intact (no one used the labels as "free sex" coupons...). I have personally inspected for defects, removed all beer remnants, cigarette butts/lemon pieces, washed, buffed and polished each one of them carefully. I have to be honest and mention that the beer can was a victim of misfortune and was "slightly" dented by my rake - this was an unfortunate accident. In my opinion it's a superficial blemish and I'm fairly certain with a little bit of love and old fashioned elbow grease it can be buffed out. But if you're an aluminum can connoisseur perhaps this lot is not for you. See image below after the description

Item: Lot of 12 beer bottles and 1 beer can
Brand: Assorted - molson canadian (bottle and can), labatt 50, baltika, steam whistle, griffon rousse, mike's hard lemonade, boreale blonde, tank house ale, innis & gunn, moosehead, michelob, and muskoka
Size: 341 mL. The can is 710 ml
Flavors: I assume an assorted variety of malt, hops, yeast, maize, wheat, rice, rye, and oat
State: Empty
Age: Who knows
Price: Free! All you need to do is pick them up before trash day.



Ordinarily I would just put them out for recycling but lately my elderly next door neighbor has taken to fucking with any trash I put on the curb. Mind you this behavior is not due to a penchant for garbage picking/recycling - she does it cause she's crazier than a shit house rat. True story! The other day I saw her picking leaves out of my front hedge. She even ate a few! Anyways the bottles are all in an empty cardboard box on my front gallery. The box is labeled "puppies"but just to let you know there are only bottles inside so don't be disappointed when you open the box and a puppy doesn't jump out and lick your face. If no one picks them up by next tuesday I'll risk putting them on the curb. Maybe I can bring them to a shelter?

Frank Breaker