Decline in Male Public Restroom Etiquette
Technology has greatly contributed to the cross pollination of cultures with the creation of a global village. We are tightly bound together through communication networks, and the advance of technology is allowing for faster and more efficient transportation networks. In my opinion this proliferation is the direct cause of the decline in male public restroom etiquette. I mean why is it no one these days seems to follow the rules while in the can? The following serves as a refresher for or those of you who have forgotten the standards that were put forth by our forefathers.
When you walk into the restroom please observe the following process:
DO YOUR BUSINESS AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE
WASH YOUR HANDS
It's all about efficiency gentlemen. The next time you make use of a public restroom please make sure that you put your conceptual “man hat” on and avoid engaging in any of the following behavior:
Urinal Talkers: Strangers/co workers who feel the need to engage in conversation while emptying their bladders. I'm in there to tcob (take care of business), not have some lively, devil may care conversation about the weather or last weekend’s shenanigans. Dude I’m holding my dick trying to imagine a happier place than a filthy ass restroom. You should do the same. Understand the can is not a place to mingle and make new friends goddamnit. I believe in some societies it's actually common place to shoot urinal talkers where they stand (*see illustration above). NOTE: there is only one situation when talking is tolerated - after accidentally farting you may excuse yourself to the rest of the restroom occupants.
New Neighbors: If I’ve taken the first or last urinal/stall under no circumstance are you allowed to take the next urinal/stall beside me! There must be a buffer zone between us. If there is no other urinal/stall then you should wait for a vacancy. There's no need to crowd me when I’m pissing… If I see your shoes in the stall or feel your stank breath on my neck at the urinal I'm going to make sure to pee on your pants.
Stall Talkers: People that talk to you from within a stall. They are more annoying than urinal talkers because they converse between grunts. NOTE: there is only one situation when talking is tolerated - after accidentally farting you may excuse yourself to the rest of the restroom occupants.
Courtesy Flush: Should require no further explanation. Please use this procedure to limit your stink dookie aroma out of courtesy for other restroom occupants. We don’t need to smell the expelled tacitos and salsa you had for lunch.
Phone Talkers: Texting on the can is fine but don’t be the guy who takes/makes phone calls while doing his business. Whatever the subject matter of the phone call it can wait until you reach the sink.
Creepers: Self explanatory. These pervs look through the stall cracks to catch a glimpse of your action. If you catch one smash him in his grill with the stall door. NOTE: Most of the time a creeper grows up to be a glory holer.
Shiss Fingers: (Shiss = shit and piss) – These are the unhygienic assholes who don’t wash their hands after using the facilities. Come on man! Now all the bacteriums from your dick and anal are all over your hands. Then you walk out of the can touching everything in sight getting aids all over the door handle, the bus, your food, your cat, your mom, your money, your girlfriends face etc… Bravo hero.
Edit - Even worse than the shiss fingers assholes are the fraudulent sloshers - the bastards who turn the water on slosh their hands around in the water and leave the restroom without ever touching the soap.