Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Ask Frank: Dating and Sex Advice

Hey Frank - This guy at work has been eating my yogurts out of the common fridge. The other day I caught him red handed but he lied and said his girlfriend brought it in for him... I'm too shy to confront him but when I get home it's all I can think about. What should I do?

Sounds like either you're passive aggressive or a giant panzy. You should plow his girlfriend.
Or stop bringing in yogurt.

Hey Frank - I recently decided to change from pads to tampons. What brand should I use?

I would go with tampax pearl. Don't pearls grow in clams as well as oysters? Sounds like a natural fit to me...

Hey Frank - Why does my husband think it’s OK to force my head down while I'm giving him head?

Because he's trying to kill you sweetheart! To stop him you need to get a divorce and change your life insurance pronto. Replace his name for some generic name until you find a replacement. Let's see... what's a good name to use for the time being? Got it! Put "frank breaker"wherever his name appears.

Hey Frank - Sometimes when I pee steam comes out of my penis hole. What is the cause?

The steam heat that come out is actually magic smoke. It means you're a witch! Like that gandolf dude. The next girl you sex will probably birth to a dragon.

Hey Frank - Every year my wife makes out with Santa. It predates our relationship - she told me about it when we first started dating. It's her annual guilty pleasure and she refuses to stop. I told her I didn’t mind cause I thought we’d get better presents. Last year our son caught my wife kissing Santa underneath the christmas tree. He's confused. What can I tell him?

Tell him your wife is a hooker and full up her stocking with coal.

Hey Frank - During rigorous sex I accidentally rammed my wife's anus. How do I prevent it from happening again?

Jesus! I feel for you man... I never understood why the hershey factory is so close to the hot pocket. My suggestion is to use duct tape.

Hey Frank - Why don't I feel anything when I wear a condom?

Because they are made out of the same shit they make bullet proof vests from.

Hey Frank - I think I might have sex with a girl soon but I don't know what to do. We just started sex ed class. Any tips?

As homework you should watch a pornography and in class show and tell some of the sweeter moves on the first aid doll.

Hey Frank - I want to order a fleshlight but I don't want my parents to see the box and find out. If I ask will they wrap my package up in plain brown paper?

If they wrap your package up you don't need the goddamn fleshlight.

Hey Frank - My boyfriend likes girls with a lot of hair down "there". Should I grow mine out?

Your boyfriend suffers from hirsutophilia. Personally I don't like hairy vag but to each his own. Go ahead! If you love him why not dread your bojingo? Or for a quicker option glue on some hair extensions.

Hey Frank - My dog keeps humping my girlfriend's leg whenever she comes over. Why?

Because he's trying to show you how it's done.
He's a true playa son!

Hey Frank - My girlfriend likes me to ask her hot questions while having sex. What are some sensual things I can ask?

Boy did you came to the right place for this! The next time you start jamming whisper any of the following sweetness into her ear:

-Is your mom/sister hot?
-Do you have gas?
-Have you ever thought of a boob job?
-What's that smell?
-What's your name again?
-Did/can you wash under your boobs?
-Can I make a quick phone call?
-Do I have a porn star penis?

Hey Frank - What are the effects if a vagina has not been penetrated in over 2 years?

It gets dusty and grows cobwebs.

Frank Breaker *Sex and Dating Specialist

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