Tuesday, January 31, 2012


Ok people! My girl and I have been thinking about possibly taking a cruise this year. I’ve never been on one and for the first time yours truly (Frank Breaker), is asking the questions.

- Will I get sea sick? What is sea sickness??? If I get it will my genitalia be safe?

- Will I be invited to dine at the captains table? If so will I need a classy dinner jacket or some stylish cardigan slash bow tie combo?

- Can I call the captain “cappy”? Will he be a corn cob pipe smoking weathered surly type?

- If I get off the boat for an excursion is it possible to miss the boat back to the other boat?

- Can I go shark fishing? If so are there facilities on board where I can clean and cook my catch?

- If my boys biz, prez and bonya become stowaways where can they sleep? Not in my room... I hear the cabins are so small you have to go outside to fart because there's no room for the extra air.

- What time is dinner?

- Is there a conference room and internet access for temporary sea bound artificial vagina office?

- Can I carry a pistol on board for protection? I hear there are no laws on the open seas.

- Can I stand beside the diving board and say “walk the plank” to every passenger who uses it?

I figure this is a good subject to discuss on the vag. So let’s talk cruise ships! Specifically lets talk about this disaster that’s been in the news lately

Francesco Schettino captain of the Italian liner Costa Concordia that sank 2 weeks ago.

Let’s begin with the fact this hero sunk a MASSIVE billion dollar boat. How? By driving it into land. I’m not a sailor but I’m pretty sure DIRT is up on the top 5 things you want to avoid when driving a boat. And then after crashing he tip toed out the door! Isn’t there a nautical phrase/rule that says the captain always goes down with the ship???? This dude was like ‘fuck that noise I’m out’ and bounced. The coast guard even told him to go back to the ship - he refused!!! The cruise line should have known he would abandon ship at the first sign of trouble - the following photo was sent to us from the artificial vagina Italy office. Apparently this is Francesco boat racing last summer

Come to think of it I’d probably do the same… I mean if that rule really does exist then the “women and children first” rule exists too right? If so I’m packing a wig, dress and clipper in my luggage. There is NO way I’m swimming to shore. There are fish and shit in those waters waiting to nibble at my testes. Not to mention the sharks.

Coincidentally the ship sank close to the 100 year anniversary of the titanic sinking. Maybe the captain was a huge fan of the movie he decided to stage his very own re enactment?

EDIT: Now some chick Domnica Cemortan claims she was with the captain on the bridge and defends him saying he worked tirelessly and "saved over 3000 lives". Apparently she was dining with "colleagues" in the ship's restaurant when the ship hit the reef. Then she was “summoned” to the bridge to translate instructions for passengers, since she speaks several languages. That's some major league bull shit. According to the wait staff in the restaurant she had been dining with the captain himself! He probably invited her to the bridge to shoot a shot across her bow (nautical terminology).

The captain was like: “Mingaaa ohhhhh! You ah ona da bridge wid ah da captain how about you play da flute on ah my canole? Watch ah me steer while you blow my... Ah shit! Baddaboom I hit ah da rocks! Stop ah da suck an help me with ah my pantalones!!! I think I cacagatz in my underwears! I have ah to get off da ship pronto.

I guess you can say she went down on his ship. Prime example that sometimes boating and sexing don’t mix. But then again beggars can’t be cruisers. Haha.

Frank Breaker

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