My accountant: (on the phone with his son) "Yeah right. You know what? So much bullshit came out of your mouth just now I think your ass got jealous."
My mom: "I think dad has farted in every single pair of pants that he's ever owned."
My mom: "Please tell your sister to stop burning cds she's going to use up all the laser before I get a chance to make one."
My mom: "I just bought my new phone. It's a nokia and it has an ipod in it!"
My mom: "Reusable grocery bags make me feel like I'm a gypsy."
My mom: "It's like those gay bears you used to watch when you were young!" - This took me a while to understand but I finally realized she was talking about the care bears.
Dave: "Dude the special fried rice at U & Me is so damn good today. I bought 2 orders - I swear there's a little asian inside me right now and he's really satisfied."
Me: "Sam was offered a job at that restaurant today. See she told you she'd get it."
My mom: She should take it before they realize they made a mistake."
My mom: "I think I'm going to buy alexandra a gun."
Me: "Mummy what the fuck? Why would you even entertain that thought?"
My mom: "Because I think her neighborhood is unsafe and I don't trust her."
Me: "So you're going to buy someone you don't trust a gun? I think you've officially lost your mind." - Alexandra is my sister and my mom was dead serious about getting her that gun.
My dad: "Parenting moment! Never say anything to piss off the guy at the drive-thru. That's a sure fire way to get your supersized soda topped off with pee."
My mom: "Something's wrong with my cell. Whenever I take it off the charger the battery doesn't last more than 2 days before I have to charge it again! You think I need a new battery?"
My mom: (laughing her ass off) "Hahahaha! Did you like everything santa brought you this year?"
Me: "Funny. Santa's handwriting looks a lot like yours..."
My mom: "Ha! That's because he borrowed my pen!"
Me: "Mummy that wouldn't make your handwriting the same haha!"
My dad: "They also shared the some bottle of wine."