Dave: "Stupid kid keeps getting in my way. You know what? I'm going to give him a hug. Maybe then his mom will keep him on the other side..." - This fool said this in a very crowded LAX airport on our way from from a conference in L.A
My dad: "You know your mom behind the wheel of a car is like a fart. Once she's out you don't know who she's going to hit."
My mom: "Has anyone seen the broom?"
My dad: "Why? Are you going somewhere?"
My mom: "Try to be gone when Mrs Mallette gets here. You're making the room look messy."
Johnny: "She told me she had a headache."
Dave: "You know what a good cure for that is? Sodomy."
My mom (in a text message): "You left your cell phone at our house." - She's sent me this message more than once.
My mom: "What's crackalaking?" - To this day I have still have no clue where she learned this.
Prez (in a text message): "Nice cougar on the metro with thigh high stockings."
Me: "What am I supposed to do with this information? Send a photo."
Prez: "Lolz I can't be taking pictures like that. Use your imagination."
Me: "My imagination??? What am I twelve?"
Prez: ""Well I can't take pics what you want me to do excuse me ma'am don't move while I take you picture of your hindquarters?"
My mom: "Why'd you cancel your voicemail?"
Me: "Because people like you leave me way too many messages."
My mom: "Well... now I'm going to text the hell out of your phone."
My mom: "To the window! To the wall!" - This shocked the shit out of us. My sister asked 1) where she learned it from and 2) to never repeat the line again.
Mike: "You know why I eat chicken? Because it's the natural enemy of man."
Johnny: "Jeezo creesto di mierda!!!!!!" - Italian for jesus christ shithead (I'm sure I spelled it wrong but I don't give a shit). Johnny YELLED this after he rested his arm on some sticky shit at provigo a few years ago. It's just the way he yelled it... I'm telling you it was jokes we were all dying of laughter.
Prez (in a text message): "Fucking mechanic young bloods talking shit trying to out jibber jabber each other. Shut the fuck up and do u shit properly am just passing them by to get windshield washer fluid..." - hahahaha the text was sent to me 5 minutes ago.