Awesome quotes from friends and acquaintances: part 11

Dave: "Stupid kid keeps getting in my way. You know what? I'm going to give him a hug. Maybe then his mom will keep him on the other side..." - This fool said this in a very crowded LAX airport on our way from from a conference in L.A

My dad: "You know your mom behind the wheel of a car is like a fart. Once she's out you don't know who she's going to hit."

My mom: "Has anyone seen the broom?"
My dad: "Why? Are you going somewhere?"
Me: "Bahahahahahaha!"

My mom: "Try to be gone when Mrs Mallette gets here. You're making the room look messy."

Johnny: "She told me she had a headache."
Dave: "You know what a good cure for that is? Sodomy."

My mom (in a text message): "You left your cell phone at our house." - She's sent me this message more than once.

My mom: "What's crackalaking?" - To this day I have still have no clue where she learned this.

Prez (in a text message): "Nice cougar on the metro with thigh high stockings."
Me: "What am I supposed to do with this information? Send a photo."
Prez: "Lolz I can't be taking pictures like that. Use your imagination."
Me: "My imagination??? What am I twelve?"
Prez: ""Well I can't take pics what you want me to do excuse me ma'am don't move while I take you picture of your hindquarters?"
Me: "HAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!"

My mom: "Why'd you cancel your voicemail?"
Me: "Because people like you leave me way too many messages."
My mom: "Well... now I'm going to text the hell out of your phone."

My mom: "To the window! To the wall!" - This shocked the shit out of us. My sister asked 1) where she learned it from and 2) to never repeat the line again.

Mike: "You know why I eat chicken? Because it's the natural enemy of man."

Johnny: "Jeezo creesto di mierda!!!!!!" - Italian for jesus christ shithead (I'm sure I spelled it wrong but I don't give a shit). Johnny YELLED this after he rested his arm on some sticky shit at provigo a few years ago. It's just the way he yelled it... I'm telling you it was jokes we were all dying of laughter.

Prez (in a text message): "Fucking mechanic young bloods talking shit trying to out jibber jabber each other. Shut the fuck up and do u shit properly am just passing them by to get windshield washer fluid..." - hahahaha the text was sent to me 5 minutes ago.

Frank Breaker

Awesome quotes from friends and acquaintances: part 10

My accountant: (on the phone with his son) "Yeah right. You know what? So much bullshit came out of your mouth just now I think your ass got jealous."

My mom: "I think dad has farted in every single pair of pants that he's ever owned."

My mom: "Please tell your sister to stop burning cds she's going to use up all the laser before I get a chance to make one."

My mom: "I just bought my new phone. It's a nokia and it has an ipod in it!"

My mom: "Reusable grocery bags make me feel like I'm a gypsy."

My mom: "It's like those gay bears you used to watch when you were young!" - This took me a while to understand but I finally realized she was talking about the care bears.

Dave: "Dude the special fried rice at U & Me is so damn good today. I bought 2 orders - I swear there's a little asian inside me right now and he's really satisfied."

Me: "Sam was offered a job at that restaurant today. See she told you she'd get it."
My mom: She should take it before they realize they made a mistake."

My mom: "I think I'm going to buy alexandra a gun."
Me: "Mummy what the fuck? Why would you even entertain that thought?"
My mom: "Because I think her neighborhood is unsafe and I don't trust her."
Me: "So you're going to buy someone you don't trust a gun? I think you've officially lost your mind." - Alexandra is my sister and my mom was dead serious about getting her that gun.


My dad: "Parenting moment! Never say anything to piss off the guy at the drive-thru. That's a sure fire way to get your supersized soda topped off with pee."

My mom: "Something's wrong with my cell. Whenever I take it off the charger the battery doesn't last more than 2 days before I have to charge it again! You think I need a new battery?"

My mom: (laughing her ass off) "Hahahaha! Did you like everything santa brought you this year?"
Me: "Funny. Santa's handwriting looks a lot like yours..."
My mom: "Ha! That's because he borrowed my pen!"
Me: "Mummy that wouldn't make your handwriting the same haha!"
My dad: "They also shared the some bottle of wine."

Frank Breaker