Tuesday, May 10, 2011

I hate big bugs

I'll start off by saying I'm not a fan of insects ESPECIALLY the big ones. I've had some messed up experiences I tell you... Like in the bahamas where my grandma lives at night there are these bastard moths the size of small birds that will fly into your face without hesitation. One evening I was outside smoking with my uncle when out the darkness came this winged creature flying around like an out of control drunk. At first it seemed harmless - like it had no flight skills... It was moving towards a light about 10 feet away from me and BAM all of a sudden it pulled a serious aerial maneuver and beelined straight for my head avoiding ALL of my defenses (waving arms, kicking feet, mace, etc...) like a crack top gun pilot. BOOM! The behemoth gets all up in my business and hits me smack dab in the face leaving me covered in moth dust. I felt like I just got slimed like peter venkman in ghostbusters! Punkass moth.

By far my most fucked up bug experience was when I was a 17 and I saw one of the biggest goddamn insects of life. I was working with my friend jay at this cleaning company and we were sent out to do a wax stripping job at a daycare. Since the job took a while and the fumes from the products used were mega intense we had to do it on a weekend when no one was on the premises. Near the end of the job we were tripping balls from the chemicals... We had just finishing up mopping the stairs when I noticed a fucking MASSIVE insect about 3 inches long with wings just lying in the water residue halfway down the stairs (see artist's rendering below). Come to think of it I think it even had a mustache... I called jay to come take care of it but he was even more freaked out than me. This presented a major dilemma. I had no clue what kind of insect it was so consequently I had no clue what kind of super powers it had (all insects have super powers - they usually tricks you into thinking they can't do certain stuff like jumping/flying, biting/stinging, etc but don't fall for it). I figured since this bug wasn't moving it for sure possessed a super fast reaction time power... What if I jumped on it and missed? The monstrosity would leap up and bite my face off!!! Or what if I landed on it but it had armor of steel with which it could survive through nuclear war AND being squashed??? Jay thought the same shit... He tried calling another dude who lived up the road to come murder the thing. Dude told him to fuck off and hung up. We were on our own! Screw it I finally got the balls to handle business and to kill it. I leaped off the steps at top speed, yelled "ciao sucka" and landed on that colossal bastard with both feet. You know what happened??? It just bounced off the stairs to the bottom. IT WAS A GODDAMN FAKE INSECT! Apparently had fallen off of one of the shelves by the steps while we were working. Now you would think Id be embarrassed by this story but I'm not. At least I manned up and took care of business. When I got back upstairs I saw jay locked himself in the office and had his dumb face pressed up against the glass watching me. Plus we were pretty doped up from the chemical fumes...

Moses Gunn

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