Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Staff evaluations

It's time for staff evaluations at work. All of my employees are decent at their jobs so I was fair to all of them. I wish I was meaner though - there are a few employees who need to deal with specific issues:

Middle aged teacher in the nursery - In the beginning I didn't understand how you got your job. Don't get me wrong you are very nice but is it possible you don't know how to use a phone? I think I would respect you more if you would just admit it. How many times have I called asking for the head teacher only to have you hang up on me when you try to put me on hold? Remember the day you did it 4 times in a row?! I wanted to throw a brick at you. Maybe you should let someone else answer the phone from now on.

Russian teacher in the basement: Lady I'm sorry to say you smell like the offspring of a horse and a foot. I'm going to rig secret santa this year and buy you deodorants for xmas. Also I heard you're the one who pees on the toilet seat??? What's up with that? How does a lady pee on the toilet seat?

Polish teacher on main floor - Um... I know you're trying to reclaim your youth but you probably shouldn't wear that brown skirt to staff meetings anymore. Last time we all noticed you didn't have any underwear on.

Pregnant punk ass - You know who you are (there's only one preggo working here). Please realize you are not the first woman to get pregnant after the age of forty! Stop complaining about it. And if you know that there's a possibility you might pee your pants at work because your baby is sitting on your bladder then you should have enough sense to bring a change of clothes to work. Plus you're a punk ass. Everybody says so.

Pretty teacher on top floor - You're very nice and go out of your way to say hi whenever I visit the centre. But your sister is a lunatic. Please ask her to stop dropping by.

Ugly lesbian teacher on main floor - You are very nice but you look a bit like a goblin. I think you should stop getting that dracula haircut at the barbershop and let your hair grow out a bit. You'd look much better. Trust me.

Head teacher/supervisor - Ok I have saved the best for last. Lady I know far too much about your personal life! Stop talking about sex and your wild nights at work. When you call your "boy toy" during office hours please keep it on a professional level! Don't ask him if the bj you gave him in his car was good (yes I heard you while I was waiting outside the office door). By the way you look kind of dumb when you wear that low cut red skin tight shirt with the capri pants and hooker boots. This is a school... not a rub and tug massage parlor. And your office??? It's a disaster. Why in hell's bathroom are there boxes of oreos, hot sauce bottles, canned soups etc... in your filing cabinets? And some people around here think you look like shrek.

*Edit: A special friend of mine just asked me if these people are real LMAO I assure you these people do indeed exist!

Moses Gunn - Business Man

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