Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Free Condoms

I forgot I also have 163 unused condoms to give away as well. In cegep I used to steal them like mad from the nurses office at school thinking that I'd end up becoming a bigger mack/whore than I am. Now they just remind me of my past sexual failures. Anyways they are mostly lifestyles brand so you know that they are of fine quality (durex and trojan are garbage they always break). The one snag is that they are expired. Don't plan on using these rubbers to prevent pregnancies or stds because you'll 100% either end up with child or catching aids. Or both. Seriously I cannot stress this enough! So now you're wondering what can you do with 163 unused expired prophylactics? Here's a list of fun and practical applications that I have compiled:

Balloons: Rubbers can be used as balloons - just make sure there's no semen inside. You can blow them up manually or use a helium tank.
Balloon animals: Just don't give them to any children unless you want to be taken downtown for questioning/jail time.
Water balloons: A condom can hold excess of 4 litres of of water. That's a water balloon atom bomb!
Prank your roommate: Wait till he gets really smashed and passes out. Fill the condom 1/6 with shaving cream and place the condom on his face. Or put it in his shoe.
Prank your parents: Put one over the shower head. Its like an automatic water balloon - it'll fill up with water and by the time they realize what's happening it's too late.
Prank the tax man: Put them in with your tax return.
Flotation device: Make water wings for non swimmers.
Swim faster: Put them on your hands feet like flippers when you go swimming. Put one on your head like a bathing cap to go even faster.
Protect yourself from germs: Put one over a payphone receiver to avoid touching it to your ear.
Hair tie: Nuff said.
Belt broke? Use them as makeshift suspenders.
Paint them and use them as umbrella covers.
Wet suit for a rodent or ferret.
Portable urinal: Ever feel the need to pee on a long drive but you dont want to pull over? Just pee in the condom while you drive, tie it off and throw it out the window.
Sock covers when it's wet outside.
Fill them with rocks and use them as nunchaku in a fight.
Makeshift sandbags in the event of a flood.
Change purse.

The list goes on and on... There are even a bunch of magnums in the mix from when I was trying to impress a nurse's aid at dawson. She may have been disappointed the next day but I didn't care cause I stole $20.00 and her morning gazette from her apartment on my way out. Anyways the magnums are part of the lot too. Invite a few friends over and leave one on the coffee table to provoke questions about the size of your manhood.

This dude even used a condom to make fire

Anyways if you want them let me know. I'll wrap them up in a magnum for you, seal it, mark it and leave the package on my front gallery.

Frank Breaker

No comments:

Post a Comment