Explain this bullshit!

Frank Breaker

Explain this bullshit!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA this is jooookes! The black couple just rolls out of a moving vehicle so they can save money at golden corral?! Dude's like "I'm not sharing shit! See ya!!!!"

At least they could've had them stop the car first

*EDIT: Finger, Prez - the dudes face at 0:03kind of looks like a face Biz would make HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Frank Breaker

Ask Frank

Hey Frank - If you were one of the 800 kernels of corn on an ear of corn how would you lead the uprising?

Dear Stewart
I would turn black and get all militant up in that piece.

Hey Frank - Dunkin Dognuts or Starbucks?
Phillippe

Dear Phillippe
I don't particularly like paying for dog nuts or coffee so neither.

Hey Frank - Are gay people and robots the same? Neither of them have emotions do they?
Ian

Dear Ian
They do have emotions. And they both hate you.

Hey Frank - Does stevie wonder know he's a black man?
Jim

Dear Jim
Dude it's 2013!

...

I'm sure someone will tell him soon.

Hey Frank - My boyfriend says he loves racing. Does that mean he loves it more than me? 
Katie

Dear Katie
No it absolutely does not mean he loves racing more than you. It means he loves racism more than you. 

Hey Frank - If you're a man and you love Jesus does that mean you're gay?
George 


Dear George  
Of course it does.

Hey Frank - Since money doesn't grow on trees how does it grow?
Abby

Dear Abby
Money grows deep in the ground. Like a potato.

Hey Frank - If your penis was a country which one would it be? Why?
Drew

Dear Drew
My penis would be Canada. Because it's big. It's also close to an asshole. 

Hey Frank - If disney world is the greatest place on earth what is the worst? 
Donald

Dear Donald
The worst places on earth are the majority of men's public restrooms along the I-92. Some of them are like thunderdome - 2 men enter one man leaves! 

Seriously you ever go into a bathroom that has no stall door? Who gets so amped up while pooing they feel the need to rip the door off it's hinges?

Hey Frank - What is an instagram?
Alice

Dear Alice
Instagram is a unit of metric mass. It goes gram, kilogram, instagram, tonne.

Hey Frank  - Are dora the explorer and internet explorer related?
Alexandra

Dear Alexandra
Yes. They are second cousins twice removed. Also both of them take a shitload of time to find what they're looking for.

Hey Frank  - In rituals why do they always sacrifice virgins? Why not regular girls or sluts?
Lonnie

Dear Lonnie
Cause we need the regular girls and sluts for sex and stuff. You ever tried to get a virgin to give up her cherry??? Ain't nobody got time for that.


Hey Frank  - Why do people say that dolphins are the smartest sea creatures? Don't whales have their own country?
Claudia

Dear Claudia
Wales isn't a country of whales - it's a contry of fat people.

Hey Frank  - When is the best time to watch the movie A Nightmare Before Christmas? At halloween or at christmas?
Angie

Dear Angie
At halloween dummy! Everyone knows that. Christmas is for holiday classics. Like Die Hard.

Hey Frank  - If lesbians are gay why don't they suck penis?
Shawn

Dear Shawn
They do! The only difference is that for them "penis" is pronounced "clitoris". It's also shaped like a clitoris. Okay?

Frank Breaker


 

Explain this bullshit!

Frank Breaker

Breaker's Greetings

Breaker's Greetings birthday card for my homie Finger Noel - happy birthday dude!

Frank Breaker

Rob Ford - The Truth

Frank Breaker

Breaker's Greetings

Frank Breaker

Explain this bullshit!

If you don't see it I can't help you.

Frank Breaker

*Edit: seems some people are having trouble getting this. The name of the restaurant is Panda Garden. The logo is a drawing of a koala bear.

Ask Frank

Hey Frank - Should I have a baby after 40?
Penny

Dear Penny,
I don't think you should. 40 babies is enough.

Hey Frank - Someone just told me to check myself before I wreck myself. What does this mean? 
Charlie

Dear Charlie
It's actually check yourself before you shrek yourself. It means if you don't curb your talk shit attitude you'll turn into a fat green ogre.

Hey Frank - My son is wetting the bed. I tried rubbing his nose in it and hitting him with a newspaper but nothing works. Do you have any advice?

Marcela

Dear Marcela

It's called urine indication. He's just marking his territory. Having him neutered will solve the problem.

Hey Frank - What would You do for a klondike bar?
Mike

Dear Mike
I would go to the store and buy one.

Hey Frank - Do the words "broth" and "brothel" have anything to do with one another?
Taki

Dear Taki
The short answer is yes. The long answer is no.

Hey Frank - Is it pronounced "potato" or "potato"?
Tunde

Dear Tunde
The first one.

Hey Frank - My sister has a pet bald eagle. It attacks us all the time - how can we make it happy?
France

Dear France
Get it a prescription for generic rogaine (generic is cheaper). Bald eagles have anger issues because of the hair loss. Or buy it a toupée.

Hey Frank - If superman is faster than a speeding bullet what changes now that Usain Bolt is the fastest man alive?
Marco

Dear Marco
It means that Usain Bolt CAN'T be shot. He was trained that way - you know how they use a starter's pistol at track events? That's an homage to the origins of the sport. Back in the day the people used to shoot real pistols at the athletes. Hence the need for them to "sprint"...

Hey Frank - My girl says she's going to yogert class but all she does is stretching and never eats no yogert. What's the deal?
Chad

Dear Chad
She is learning how to eat "yogurt" the way it was originally intended. The stretch poses are actually positions to hold so the yogurt bypasses the stomach and goes directly into the intestines to clean them out. That's why people are talking so much about probiotics these days.

Source(s): My brain 

Hey Frank - I've read your posts about religion. Since you're an atheist what will you say to God when he picks you up and throws you out of Heaven?
Jaqueline

Dear Jackass Jaqueline
I would say "lift with your knees".

PS: I wouldn't exactly classify myself as an atheist per se. I just don't give a fuck. 

 


Hey Frank - Could you keep the noise to a bare minimum? I'm trying to sleep.
Lili

Dear Lili 
I need to dance!

Hey Frank - Why does my dog look at me weird when he defecates?
Sam

Dear Sam
Because you're looking right at him. Don't you like privacy when you poo?

Hey Frank - Is Soy milk Spanish for I am milk?
Pamela

Dear Pamela
Yes.

Hey Frank - Why do I cry whenever I cut onions?
Niv

Dear Niv
I imagine it's because you're suffering from some deep seated emotional trauma involving onions. Were you assaulted by an onion as a child? You should probably see a specialist. I recommend the dude in the produce section at costco.

Hey Frank - Why do all strippers smell/taste the same
Marcus

Dear Marcus
Because they all drink the same tears and bathe in the same sink.

Hey Frank - Have you ever been caught looking at women's breasts? 
Joe

Dear Joe
All the time. It's ok - it's 2013 and it's all about making oneself happy. 

Hey Frank - 01100001 01110010 01100101 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 00100000 01100110 01101100 01110101 01100101 01101110 01110100 00100000 01101001 01101110 00100000 01100010 01101001 01101110 01100001 01110010 01111001 00100000 01100011 01101111 01100100 01100101?
Mother

Dear Mother
01111001 01100101 01110011 

Frank Breaker

Lost Cat

I lost my cat somewhere in Montreal.

Name: Dave Meowthews
Last Seen: In NDG on Monkland Avenue
Reward: A firm handshake.

*PLEASE NOTE: I, Franklin Delano Breaker, accept NO liability for any injuries sustained in any attempt to apprehend said cat.

Frank Breaker

Explain this bullshit!

Frank Breaker

The fuck card

Print it!

Frank Breaker

Potential winner of the 2013 Artificial Vagina Best Video of Life Award

Straight from the artificial vagina Montreal office comes a video that has shut the internet down for me today. This could be the 2013 winner of the Artificial Vagina Best Video of Life award but as usual I'm not going to crown it too prematurely...

I present Potty Talk




Honestly this kid sounds like he's dying on the toilet. Here are my favorite highlights of the clip

-At 0:21 "I will not eat that much food again"
-The grunt right after (UGH!) hahahahaha
-When he starts to list all the stuff he ate that day
-For real who is he talking to?!
-When he gets frustrated at 0:50 "Ugh! Everything!"
- Best part at 0:59 "Ugh! That will... ugh... overflow the toilet. Ugh!
Someone give this kid $1000.00 pronto! What a hero hahahahahaha

In retrospect this kid could actually be my son. He sounds like me on the can last weekend...

For real I've been laughing so hard my tears are fucking up the keyboard.

Frank Breaker

Worst candies of all time

Halloween is just around the corner Breaker fans! I know that a lot of you will be answering your doors to trick or treaters come the 31st. Time to school some of you shit puddles on the garbage candy you've been giving out... after all you don't want to be known as the "Bad Candy House" do you? Believe me I'm here to help. Here's my roundup of the worst candy some of you dipshits give out at Halloween.


Raisins

Plain fucking raisins. What is that shit?

This is Halloween NOT a fucking lunchbox. If you feel the need to give out fruit on the most holiest of days then make sure it's covered in sugar. Ain't nobody got time for antioxidants and bioflavonoids! Leave them shits with the carrot and celery sticks. I mean what's next? Hummus? If fruit winds up in a candy sack on Halloween, make sure it's doused in chocolate or caramel otherwise you're asking for trouble.



Hot Tamales

What happens when sinutab and cinnamon gum have sex? They spawn hot tamales. For christ sake candy is supposed to be sugary sweetness/sourness! What is this nasal cavity blasting burst of fucking spicy cinnamon frankentrash? Someone find me an angry mob - we need to burn this abomination pronto.

 ^ This kid needs to settle down ^

Candy Corn

Finding a package of candy corn in your candy sack on Halloween is straight up like finding a package of sadness. They have less sugar than raisins! I also read somewhere that they have mineral oil in the ingredients. Mineral oil! That's a fucking laxative man. Don't feed people shit coaxing corn disguised as candy dude. It's bad karma. By the way - the Johnsons (above) can eat a dick.

*Edit: candy corn is what I imagine birth control pills taste like.


Black Licorice

How do you tell where the horrible people live in your neighborhood? Easy. Whichever houses gives out black licorice has at least one asshole living there. That shit ain't candy. Rather than choke down a piece of black licorice I might as well eat some electrical cord insulation and call it a night. It's the same shit.

^ Electrical cord insulation ^

Tootsie Rolls

Perhaps the most vile candy ever to occupy space on earth. Here's a rough draft of the letter I plan on sending to the tootsie roll company.

Sirs,

It's 2013. You need to stop. Regular tootsie rolls, fruit flavored, mini, lollipop, whatever, your shit candy is not enjoyable in any form. Nobody cares how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie pop because the filling is repugnant. No Sirs, we do not like tootsie rolls. At all.

Scrap the formula and head back to the drawing board.

Sincerely

Franklin Delano Breaker

PS: We also know you haven't made any new tootsie rolls since 1937. No one ever asked for them. NO ONE. And yet they're still forced on us - somebody dumps them on trick or treaters on the previous halloween, they don't get eaten and their parents turf them to other people come next halloween. It's a shit candy vicious circle.Quite frankly I'd rather eat razor blades.

Frank Breaker

Horror film monsters I could beat the shit out of

Horror film monsters I could beat the shit out of

1: The birds from The Birds

Monster: Birds of all kinds suddenly begin to attack people in increasing numbers and with increasing savagery.

Solution: They're fucking birds. I could kick their asses with a clean, crisp window. Or a tennis racquet.

Problem solved.

Chance of beating the birds: 100%



2: Chucky from Child's Play

Monster: Serial killer Charles Lee Ray invokes some voodoo spell before he's put to death resulting in his soul being transferred into a toy. 

Solution: For real Chucky is a shit plastic doll. Considering the quality of the garbage made in china you could easily rip him into pieces, put the parts in different boxes then megatron them to the bottom of the sea. I could kick his ass with half a scissor.

Problem solved.

Chance of beating chucky: 100%



3: The tomatoes from Attack of the Killer Tomatoes

Monster: A town is under siege from possessed killer tomatoes out to murder everybody.

*EDIT: Did those people in the photograph get killed in the film by tomatoes for real?

Solution: THEY'RE FUCKING TOMATOES. I could kick their ass with a gang of grandparents.

Problem solved.

Chance of beating Killer Tomatoes: 120%



4: Jack Frost

Monster: When a truck transporting serial killer Jack Frost collides with a genetics truck, his body is infused (HA!) with snow and turns him into a murderous snowman.

Solution: Killer snowman??? What a waste of a genetic truck. I could kick his ass with a lighter. And not even a zippo or one of those butane deals - just a cheap ass lighter from the dollar store. You know - the ones that don't even light off of the first few sparks.

Problem solved.

Chance of beating Jack Frost: 99% 



5: Gingerdead Man

Monster: Serial killer, Millard Findlemeyer (that's his name for real?!) is sent to the electric chair. His ashes are given to his mother (who happens to be a WITCH) and she decides to avenge her son’s death by mixing his ashes into a gingerbread mix and sending it to the surviving victims of his most recent killing spree.

Solution: He's a fucking piece of pastry. I could kick his ass with a glass of milk.

Problem solved.

Chance of beating Gingerdead Man: 110%





And last but not least...





6: Madea from the Madea horror films

Monster:You know who the fuck she is.

Solution: I could kick her ass by running Tyler Perry down with my jeep.

Problem solved.

Chance of beating Madea : 100% (provided I find Tyler Perry and have a car with me)


 Frank Breaker: Monster Slayer