Friday, July 29, 2011

My boy biz and I are seasoned costco pros

I've said it before and I'll say it again - costco is navigational hell on earth! First there's people in the parking lots with SUVs they can't drive properly then inside these same asshats are steering giant carts they cant maneuver properly. It's pure madness. Plus none of these people like to go in alone they have to bring the whole fam with them (3 goddamn kids/babies, grandma, gramps etc...) like costco is some awesome day adventure. Mom dad kids and GMa decide they have to walk 5 peeps wide at a sickeningly slow pace because they think they're in warehouse mecca and are overwhelmed in their own shopping zone. Come on man! The carts should come with horns so I can honk these bastards out of my way. Seasoned pro coming through motherfuckers!

By far the worst is when people stop and leave their carts blocking the aisles. My new thing now
is I just fuck with them - I move their carts when they're not looking and watch the hilarious confusion that ensues. Serves them right! A seasoned pro is supposed to be able to be in and out of that joint within 1/2 an hour. It's doable provided you follow the costco pro purchase rule *standard 2 - 4 item purchase (click for explanation). I know my boy Biz (a true costco pro) gets it check out his costco purchase today

Laundry soap, a pillow, cake and a mouse. 4 items and BAM! He's in and out like the flash... Well done Biz! Applause all around.

PS: I want a slice of that cake tonight.

*EDIT - proof of the standard 2 - 4 item purchase rule: in 2004 Costco sold 90,000 karats of diamonds and 26 million rotisserie chickens. That's a lot of people walking around with engagement rings and chicken in their carts that year...

Frank Breaker

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