Don't judge me

Sigh... I ended up at walmart this morning. Don't judge me. I had no choice, I needed to pick up vacuum filters for work. I was in such a bind that I broke one of my cardinal rules - never go to walmart in the morning. It's chock full of freaks! Where do these people come crawl out from? I never see them anywhere else in the city... only at walmart! Is there some inter dimensional portal in the parking lot that these beings use to travel back to their home world? To quote bobby collins it was like that bar scene in star wars.

Anyways I couldn't find the goddamn filters anywhere so I put in a call to "shrek" to ask her if she knew where they were. As I tried to dial out I realized my cellular phone had no signal! Fucking phone!!!! How do you lose reception in a walmart? It's not like I was in one of those colossal supercentres - those shits are so massive you can get lost for days before finding your way out. I once saw a group of stranded children who had been lost in the store for so long they had a serious "lord of the flies" situation going on.


Frank Breaker*Lost in walmart.

4 tips on selling your soul to the devil

Ever thought about selling your soul to the devil? Read these tips before you negotiate a deal

1. Make sure to set up the deal in your favor. Pencil out a rough draft of your demands with your lawyer before your meeting with satan. Make sure to go over the finer details of the contract - specifically the part where you burn in hell for eternity (see tip # 4)

2. Remember you are in a position of power. Dont underestimate the devils desire! He wants your soul very, very, badly and will pay anything to get it. Trick him into making the first offer then up the ante.

3. Max out your souls worth. Remember theres no point in doing this if you dont do it right because youre going to burn in hell for eternity. For example dont just ask for the hottest chick to fall madly in love with you - up the stakes and demand 200+ chicks. Youll thank me for this one - youll be able to pick and choose your date on the daily depending on your mood (or shoes).

4. Life extension clause. Heres where you can try to beat satan at his own game - in the fine print make sure to have your lawyer include a life extension clause for as long as you like. Satan wont tell you this is possible if you dont ask! You can guarantee to live as long as you like before succumbing to eternal damnation. Why enjoy a mere 100 years of rock star living when you can get 1000 plus? Think about it.

Frank Breaker