Friday, March 23, 2012
Interview of yours truly published in the march 2012 issue of "Modern Gentleman" magazine
Etiquette Of A Gentleman
In times past, a gentleman was much appreciated and being gentlemanly was a noble thing.
One only needs to take a quick glance around to notice that there are very few true gentlemen remaining among us. I happen to have the opportunity to interview such a man today - advice columnist Franklin Delano Breaker has been identified as a man of good breeding and taste and it will be refreshing to hear what he has to say.
Modern Gentleman: Every woman seeks to meet a true gentleman right?
Frank Breaker: A gentleman need not reveal himself. With that said, I wish you good day madam. Just kidding. Um yeah I suppose so.
Modern Gentleman: Are you a slave to good etiquette?
Frank Breaker: I'm sorry what? I wasn't listening... who's that chick over there?
Modern Gentleman: That's the coffee girl.
Frank Breaker: Can she interview me instead of you? No offence but your lazy eye is distracting.
Coffee Girl: Let's see. The next question they have here is... ok do you believe in chivalry?
Frank Breaker: You mean when a dude holds the door open for chicks and stuff? Absolutely. Now let me ask you a question - can I borrow 5 bucks quickfast? I think that dude is selling food.
Coffee Girl: Haha. You're funny!
Frank Breaker: Okay... I guess that's a no.
Coffee Girl: This one's a bit naughty. What color boxers do you have on right now?
Frank Breaker: None.
Coffee Girl: None isn't a colo... Oh.
Frank Breaker: You know what's up! Awesomesauce.
Coffee Girl: Yes I do haha! Ok um... do you ever watch pornography?
Frank Breaker: Where are you going with this you cheeky monkey? Do I ever watch pornography? No! I'm insulted you would even ask that.
Coffee Girl: Um...
Frank Breaker: Just kidding. Dude I have so much porn on my laptop it's too heavy for me to lift by myself.
Coffee Girl: What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Frank Breaker: Unsliced bread. No wait! Tits. Yeah tits. Before and after sliced bread.
Coffee Girl: All those fraud cases against your brother, are they true?
Frank Breaker: What in god's worth are you talking about?
Coffee Girl: Sorry wrong card. Do you enjoy your celebrity star status?
Frank Breaker: What? I don't have a celebrity status. Are you drunk? That card doesn't say that does it? Let me see.
Coffee Girl: No.
Frank Breaker: Let me see!
Coffee Girl: Let go of me!
Frank Breaker: Dude! These cards are blank! What's wrong with you?
Coffee Girl: ...
Frank Breaker: I think I want the other girl back please.
Modern Gentleman: Well, well, well. Did you have fun?
Frank Breaker: Shut up with your droopy undroopy eyelids. Let's finish this please.
Modern Gentleman: Rude! Okay... Do you have any pets?
Frank Breaker: Yes. I have a dog.
Modern Gentleman: Do you ever speak to your dog?
Frank Breaker: I try but I don't speak Spanish. And since he doesn't speak English most of the time we just end up staring at each other.
Modern Gentleman: Do you work out?
Frank Breaker: Nope. The body you see here is a product of Jamaican patties and Gin. I'm actually quite lazy. For example I actually have a back up remote for my tv just in case I misplace the first one and don't feel like looking for it.
Modern Gentleman: Do you like children?
Frank Breaker: I love chicken.
Modern Gentleman: Not chicken. Children!
Frank Breaker: Oh. Yeah children are alright. I was a children once and I liked me.
Modern Gentleman: Do you have any special skills?
Frank Breaker: Well let's see... I'm really good at driving in reverse.
Modern Gentleman: That's like saying you're not good at much.
Frank Breaker: This interview is over. Fuckface.
Frank Breaker*Self Proclaimed Gentleman