Friday, March 23, 2012

Interview of yours truly published in the march 2012 issue of "Modern Gentleman" magazine

Etiquette Of A Gentleman

In times past, a gentleman was much appreciated and being gentlemanly was a noble thing.
One only needs to take a quick glance around to notice that there are very few true gentlemen remaining among us. I happen to have the opportunity to interview such a man today - advice columnist Franklin Delano Breaker has been identified as a man of good breeding and taste and it will be refreshing to hear what he has to say.

Modern Gentleman: Every woman seeks to meet a true gentleman right?

Frank Breaker: A gentleman need not reveal himself. With that said, I wish you good day madam. Just kidding. Um yeah I suppose so.

Modern Gentleman: Are you a slave to good etiquette?

Frank Breaker: I'm sorry what? I wasn't listening... who's that chick over there?

Modern Gentleman: That's the coffee girl.

Frank Breaker: Can she interview me instead of you? No offence but your lazy eye is distracting.

Coffee Girl: Let's see. The next question they have here is... ok do you believe in chivalry?

Frank Breaker: You mean when a dude holds the door open for chicks and stuff? Absolutely. Now let me ask you a question - can I borrow 5 bucks quickfast? I think that dude is selling food.

Coffee Girl: Haha. You're funny!

Frank Breaker: Okay... I guess that's a no.

Coffee Girl: This one's a bit naughty. What color boxers do you have on right now?

Frank Breaker: None.

Coffee Girl: None isn't a colo... Oh.

Frank Breaker: You know what's up! Awesomesauce.

Coffee Girl: Yes I do haha! Ok um... do you ever watch pornography?

Frank Breaker: Where are you going with this you cheeky monkey? Do I ever watch pornography? No! I'm insulted you would even ask that.

Coffee Girl: Um...

Frank Breaker: Just kidding. Dude I have so much porn on my laptop it's too heavy for me to lift by myself.

Coffee Girl: What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Frank Breaker: Unsliced bread. No wait! Tits. Yeah tits. Before and after sliced bread.

Coffee Girl: All those fraud cases against your brother, are they true?

Frank Breaker: What in god's worth are you talking about?

Coffee Girl: Sorry wrong card. Do you enjoy your celebrity star status?

Frank Breaker: What? I don't have a celebrity status. Are you drunk? That card doesn't say that does it? Let me see.

Coffee Girl: No.

Frank Breaker: Let me see!

Coffee Girl: Let go of me!

Frank Breaker: Dude! These cards are blank! What's wrong with you?

Coffee Girl: ...

Frank Breaker: I think I want the other girl back please.

Modern Gentleman: Well, well, well. Did you have fun?

Frank Breaker: Shut up with your droopy undroopy eyelids. Let's finish this please.

Modern Gentleman: Rude! Okay... Do you have any pets?

Frank Breaker: Yes. I have a dog.

Modern Gentleman: Do you ever speak to your dog?

Frank Breaker: I try but I don't speak Spanish. And since he doesn't speak English most of the time we just end up staring at each other.

Modern Gentleman: Do you work out?

Frank Breaker: Nope. The body you see here is a product of Jamaican patties and Gin. I'm actually quite lazy. For example I actually have a back up remote for my tv just in case I misplace the first one and don't feel like looking for it.

Modern Gentleman: Do you like children?

Frank Breaker: I love chicken.

Modern Gentleman: Not chicken. Children!

Frank Breaker: Oh. Yeah children are alright. I was a children once and I liked me.

Modern Gentleman: Do you have any special skills?

Frank Breaker: Well let's see... I'm really good at driving in reverse.

Modern Gentleman: That's like saying you're not good at much.

Frank Breaker: This interview is over. Fuckface.

Frank Breaker*Self Proclaimed Gentleman

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