Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Ikea Man Style

I will admit I have had a couple successful ikea ventures on separate occasions - my kitchen table which I got on liquidation and my living room table which I got 50% off. The few experiences I had after that were disasters. The last piece of furniture I bought from there was my bed. I hate putting ikea shit together. Luckily the bed came partially assembled making it much less complicated. I put the thing together on the floor (as it said to do) CORRECTLY. The first night we slept on it the fucking thing imploded on itself. Now I know this wasn't my fault - I had made sure everything was secured tightly and put together as directed. I guess that's what happens with furniture that is held together by wooden pegs (budget dowels), a handful of cheap screws and compressed wood. EDIT: what's up with compressed wood? Its is sawdust and bits of left over wood mixed with glue! It's like the "hot dog" of timber products... Cheap ass shit. We're damn lucky ikea doesn't make planes otherwise the bottoms of aircraft would fall out and the skies would be raining people. Anyways we ended up sleeping on the floor that night and the next day I used real screws and screwed that bastard bed together like it's never been screwed before. You would think the country that had vikings would make stronger shit! The ikea furniture dream was over for me. Cheap ass trash...

Fast forward 5 years. The other day Biz suggested we make an ikea run. I actually needed to get on of those wall magnets for holding knives and I heard ikea had them on the cheap so I agreed to go with. There was only one condition - we do it "man style". Instead of being forced to navigate that bullshit labyrinth we rebel and cut through the rarely used passages that connect various rooms.
I mean what kind of store actually intentionally controls foot traffic by painting lines and arrows on the floor? The only things missing are a herding dog and a branding iron! Anyways the plan was simple get in, grab what we needed and get out (it was like the plan the marines had in that movie aliens). That way our ikea shopping experience time would be shaved down to10 minutes and 38 seconds which would be awesome considering the fact that ikea is normally so jam packed that the closest parking spot we would probably find would be 20 minutes away on other side of the 40 (highway).

So at 6pm we decided to roll through. Bonus - We actually found parking close to the entrance! I think the rain kept everyone away... I swear it was raining so hard I saw a cruise ship sinking by the side of the road.
After finding the wall unit corner of the ikea madness biz finds something that peaks his interest.

Biz: "I like this one."
Me: "You sure your tv is going to fit?"
Biz: "Let's find out."

Bam! Out of biz's shitty cargo pants pocket come a retractable measuring tape. I've said it before and I'll say it again - this guy is a seasoned pro! He stretched it across the tv opening quickfast. No dice the opening wasn't wide enough for his 46" tv (elitist). After talking it over with a nice mega flamboyant sales clerk he finally found what he was looking for.

Out comes the golf pencil and order form to mark down the wall unit's location in the warehouse. Biz was confident we had all the information we needed. We cut through the passage way passing the cul - de - sac ikea restaurant.

Biz: Should we stop and eat?
Me: Fuck no.

We proceeded to the warehouse to find the item. Fucking bozo biz didnt write the
aisle and bin numbers down correctly so we were walking around blind. Finally we find a computer and get the correct information. We grabbed biz's boxes and on our way to the check out biz decides to hit up the liquidation room. At first it looked like nothing but garbage (like that star wars deathstar trash compactor scene) until we got to the back. POW! We hit pay dirt. Tucked in the corner was biz's wall unit fully assembled and 50% off. After paying for the thing we realized we had to take it apart in the store. They gave biz 3 different sized allen keys to do the job. Incidentally why does every piece of furniture which requires assembly come with allen keys? I hate those fucking things. They aren't large enough for you to apply any serious force plus they hurt! The edges dig into your hand as you turn them leaving you with stigmata - esque injuries. Fuck that noise. I went to my car to get my drill. On my way out the door I overheard this dude arguing in french with his wife

Lady: "See that wasn't too long."
"I'm tired of goddamn furniture. I don't ever want to see furniture again."

Amen brother. I got my drill but decided waste time in my car so I wouldn't have to help biz dismantle (I know he's going to read this but I don't give a shit). I waltzed back in after 10 minutes and to my disappointment biz had made very little progress. We used my drill for a while then the battery died so I put it back in its case and set it down. 5 minutes later I notice this old dude sauntering over to the area where my drill was. He picked up the case and started to walk away with it

Me: "What the fuck put it down!"
Old Dude (in a thick accent): "Sorry I just wan boro it."
Me: "What?"
Old Dude: "I just wan BORRO it."
Me: "No."

Old dude walks away.

Me: "What the fuck was that?"
Biz: "Goddamn gypsies. Always lurking."

Finally we we get the thing dismantled. Biz left all the wooden pegs in it so they wouldn't get lost.

As we were about to leave the same old dude comes back over and starts pulling the pegs out of biz's wall unit.

Biz: "YO! What the fuck are you doing?"
Gypsy: "This must take out or they break. I help you."
Biz: "Get out of here!"

Old dude walks away.

Biz: "Fucking gypsies!"

At this point biz leaves me to keep watch over his treasure while he gets his car. 2 minutes later all I hear is squealing tires and see a car zooming through the ikea parking lot at break neck speed.

It was biz.


We loaded his wall unit and broke the fuck out.

The end.

Frank Breaker

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