Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Ask Frank (guest written by the great Ron Burgundy)

I'm Ron Burgundy (as if you didn't know). Frank Breaker couldnt be here today so he asked me to guest write his advice column today. So loosen your tie, grab a scotch and enjoy.

Hey Frank Ron - I've been having problems maintaining my erection during intercourse with the missus. I've been contemplating cialis or viagra but I'm afraid of the serious side effect of temporary blindness and hearing loss. What should I do?

Blindness and hearing loss????????? Christ how big does that stuff make your penis that you're poking out eyes and ears? Personally I don't need help in that "area" if you know what I mean. I'm a man that maintains erections that have the strength of steel and iron. That's what kind of man I am. Your penis is made out of paper towel.

Hey Frank Ron - I read in cosmo that one of the best “hot spots” to grab the man of your dreams is the applestore. Is this true?

This question is stupid. You sound fat.

Edit: I actually like bigger ladies. Give me a call 439 0116

PS: Cosmopolitan is for hookers and idiots.

Hey Frank Ron - Should I become a vegetarian? I've heard it's the best way to reduce one's carbon footprint. I really care about the environment.

If you become a vegetarian you will be eating the environment. Rather than cutting down trees for your nourishment have a steak instead. I love steak. I'm eating one right now. Steaky, steak, steak. Here it goes down, down into my belly...

Hey Frank Ron - My boyfriend's penis smells bad. How do I tell him without him getting upset?

Don't tell him just dust it with air freshener. Or buy febreeze condoms. If they don't exist I'm putting a patent on them right now.

Hey Frank Ron - By chance would you happen to know who invented Fahrenheit?

Fahrenheit sometimes spelled "farrenhite" was invented in 1893 by the the Scottish architect and scholar Ivo Shandor. He was also a doctor. And the inventor of scotch. You know all of this is true because the last time I looked in the dictionary, my name was Ron Burgundy.

Hey Frank Ron - What makes a castle unique?

The type of moat monster it has on payroll.

Hey Frank Ron - Do you want to do more or less repetitions and sets for muscle gain?

If you want to be buff like me then you do not hesitate to do it all. Once you reach my level you can sell tickets to the gun show with confidence.

Hey Frank Ron - How big is 320 gb

Huge. As big as North Dakota. At least.

Hey Frank Ron - Are hickies fun?

Only when they are on your penis.

Hey Frank Ron - I lost my car keys. What should I do?

You should "lose" your car too. I know a guy - call me 439 0116

Hey Frank Ron - What does "cultural exchange" mean?

Cultural exchange is when you have sex with a foreigner like an Asian chick.

Hey Frank Ron - Who did Marie Curie's daughter marry?

Irène Curie is my grandmother and the source of my incredible brain power. She married my grandfather Horatio Larjesse Burgundy at the pristine Chapel of Love in Bloomington, Minnesota. Oh what a glorious ceremony it was! There were flowers, cake and men dressed in the finest trousers and sports coats.

Stay classy Montreal

Ron Burgundy

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