I'm back! How about a round of applause for my guest blogger mr. Ron Burgundy!
On to the business at hand...
Hey Frank - Why does my mom always screw up the punchline of every joke?
Because she's probably dumb. My mom screws up jokes too. Here's the last one she told me
My mom: "Haha I heard a good joke on the radio about the different types of sex. They are newlywed sex, um... hallway sex and courtroom sex. Newly wed sex is when you're new to your relationship and have sex whenever you can. Speaking of newlyweds did you know that your cousin andrew go married 2 months ago? He married the girl and he only knew for 4 months! Between you me and the wall I don't think that marriage is going to work out. According to your auntie his wife is only after his money then we both laughed because he has none... Oh yes the joke. Where was I? Oh yes hallway sex. Hallway sex is when you and your spouse pass in the hallway and you tell each other "screw you!" Hahahaha. Will you remind me to tell dad that the hallway light is still burnt out? Can you believe this? 2 weeks and he hasn't changed it. I swear the man does it to me on purpose... And don't even get me started on the toilet in the downstairs bathroom! It runs all the time! You would think he'd notice since he's always sitting on it. Maybe he needs more fiber? Don't blueberries have a lot of fiber? I could pick blueberries of the bush in the backyard for him to eat with cereal in the morning instead of his poached eggs and toast. He eats too many damn eggs! That's probably why he can't push his stuff out easily. I always hear him grunting away and 15 minutes later he comes out of the toilet with sweat on his forehead and his car magazine under his arm... Oh yes and last there's courtroom sex where your spouse and their lawyer screw you out of every dime you have.
I was stuck in a car with her when she told me this one. Longest 1/2 hour of my life.Hey Frank - Is it alright to have leftover cake for breakfast?
Sure willy wonka. Why don't you wash it down with a slice of pie too?
Hey Frank - I work as a waitress in a restaurant. How do I get better tips? I've tried everything I can think of...
Tell your boss the client tipped you 100% on the meal but skipped him paying the food. It's bound to work at least one time...Hey Frank - What's better gay people or religious people?
Gay people of course. They win - religious people are boring as shit.
Hey Frank - I'm a dude - Is it wrong for me to run from bees even though I'm not allergic?
There's nothing wrong with men running from bees even if they aren't allergic! I mean I'm not allergic to bullets but believe you me I'll take it up to 88mph and book it if I hear a gunshot.
Hey Frank - How many homes were destroyed by hurricane katrina?
Hey Frank - What kind of interesting fish live in australia?
Sharks and shrimps.
Hey Frank - Why does my car's engine still run after I removed the key?
Cause its a piece of garbage. Throw it in the trash.
Hey Frank - How do you clean tarnished jewelery
I know a guy. Send all your jewelery to me. I'll return it to you within 5 business days.
Hey Frank - What were the first colonies in the USA?
Nebraska, Nebulon, Salvador, Coruscant, Deadman's Cay, New York, Utah, and Mars.
Hey Frank - What do people in the middle east eat for dessert?
Fried sand. With honey.
Hey Frank - How many albums did diana ross sell?
Billions. She's badass.
(This one was asked by my girl) Hey Frank - My boyfriend says you can make a wish with a pubic hair just like with an eyelash. Is that true?
Yes. Wish away my little shining star!