Monday, October 24, 2011

Ask Frank: Fast Food Edition

Hey Frank - What kind of fast food restaurants do you like?

The only fast food restaurant I frequent these days is 5 guys. If you've never heard about 5 guys you better ask somebody - It's wicked. In comparison no other fast food seems palatable... A 5 guys burger can raise the dead from the grave.

Over the years I've had the opportunity to review many fast food spots. Here's the first part of my list of joints to skip

Taco Bell - Also known as "Taco Hell" (where evil tacos go once they've passed on). The menu consists of North American adapted or bastardized "mexican" food. This shit is real bad and has constantly gotten worse over the years. Somebody please get this message to the corporate heads - topping mystery meat with sour cream and salsa then wrapping it in a tortilla does not make it tasty. I recently read that the meat content is actually only 35% beef - the rest is fillers. No wonder my stomach checks out whenever I eat there. According to the internets the taco bell chihuahua "gidget" died in 2009 of a stroke. I'm sure it's related to the food she endorsed...
True story - I once went to the drive through and the idiot at the microphone actually asked me "for here or to go". Insert your own diarrhea joke here. The only requirements for employees of taco bell is they posses a lack of self respect and brain power.

Long John Silver - (Warning * may cause rectal injuries) my boy wattson and I were driving from orlando back to montreal a few years ago and stopped at this trash bin of a restaurant in virginia. Their "specialty" is battered marine animal (battered fish, battered shrimp, etc), battered chicken, and after eating there I have to add battered stomach to the list. We had to stop at almost every rest stop between virginia and montreal so he could batter the toilets (add this to the battered items list). At one point I seriously thought I was going to have to take him to the E.R. This was the first "shitting across america" roadtrip incident.

*EDIT - I think the place is run by pirates.


McDonalds - Large contributor to the american obesity juggernaut and needs no description. The food has the most acrid aftertaste - In fact I imagine it's what an infected vagina must taste like. My boy Finger claims everytime he goes there he leaves satisfied... I'm positive he doesn't even eat the food and just frequents the McGloryhole in the McBathroom.

^Ronald McDonald bugging out when you don't eat his food^

BP gas station - Finger and his girl decided to buy pizza from after we stopped off for gas in south carolina on our way to florida. Who eats gas station pizza?????????? Let alone at 3 am? To top things off they are both lactose intolerant and we still had 8 hours of driving left... FML.

Waffle house - Shitty breakfast food served up hot and gross. I ate there once and before even eating my meal I decided it wasn't for me. Incidentally the waffle house came complete with the obligatory burned out letter in their sign. This one said "affle house". How appropriate.

Tiki Ming - North American adapted Chinese fast food. The last time I ate there the girl at the cash looked exactly like kung fu panda (probably smelled like him too). I ordered chow mein and I got boiled cabbage bullshit! Everything on my plate tasted like the color brown doused in salt. After I had to lie down because it felt like the food was digesting ME.

I'm pretty sure I tasted death that day...

Roy Rogers - Hamburger/fries joint with greasy pre cooked food. When I got my food it looked like they gave me a paper bag of hot trash. Don't eat there unless you have a cast iron stomach. Plus the employees smell like horses.

Arby's - Blech! <----- Puke noise. Nuff' said.

KFC - Fried chicken in various forms. KFC used to be the bomb back in the day (remember toonie tuesdays???) but now it's just 11 herbs and spices, 5 kinds of dirt, foot stirred batter, more dirt, 2 kinds of rooster ejaculat, that pinkish grease from Ghostbusters 2, beaks and chicken. And now they have this double down sandwich??? Bacon and cheese sandwiched between two pieces of fried chicken - 540 calories, 30 grams of fat and 1,740 milligrams of sodium. That's fucked up. And yet my boy prez still wants to try it. Yeah ok buddy see you in the emergency room!

Kentucky Fried Caca.

Stay tuned for more restaurant bashing.

Frank Breaker

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