Here is a list of stupid expressions/colloquialisms I've heard various people say in and around my office this month
Don't trust him as far as I can throw him (my mom)
What the fuck does this even mean? Basically if I have one friend who's very skinny and a liar and one friend who's fat and honest, whomever I can throw furthest is the one I should trust more?? How does my ability to pitch another human being relate to their degree of trustworthiness?
Shit eating grin (my accountant)
Shit eating grin????? You mean people who smile a lot eat shit? What about a piss drinking smirk? I don't need to be that happy...
As happy as a pig in shit (my mom - this is her favorite expression)
More shit? Again I honestly don't need to be that happy.
Put hair on your chest (my dad)
Is this supposed to mean consuming whatever horrible shit they are referring to will make you more masculine? Like if I convince a girl to take a shot of cheap whiskey she'll become more macho and grow a mustache?
He once said this to my mom. I laughed so hard I puked a bit
Live one day at a time (my mom)
No shit sherlock.
Avoid the highways and take the "surface streets" (my accountant)
“Surface streets?” As opposed to what? The underground streets? The floating streets? Whether we’re talking highways, roads, streets, boulevards, etc the common attribute they all share is they are all on the surface of the earth.
The early bird gets the worm (my mom)
So what - the later bird can't get a worm too? Bullshit. I'm coming into work late today.
Dead as a doornail (my mom)
When was the door nail alive?????????
Handy as a fistful of of assholes (my accountant)
Depending on who's holding them, a fistful of assholes can be very handy indeed.
Colder than a witch's tit (my dad's friend)
Witches are mean people so who cares about what's going on with their frosty tatas?
You can't have your cake and eat it too (my mom)
I'll eat my cake if I want to goddamnit! Try and take my cake from me you bastards.
It's not like I'm going to go to a restaurant, order me some cake, and tell the waiter to "EAT IT" as soon as it arrives... For real this expression sucks. How about you can't have your taco bell and a toilet too?
Blowing smoke up his ass (my dad)
There's no way anyone's blowing ANYTHING up my ass.
It's raining cats and dogs (my mom)