Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Ask Frank

Hey Frank - What is a big game animal in africa? 

Dear Chuck,

The only gay animals I know of in the world are dolphins (gay sharks).
Oh wait you said big "game" animal!


Hey Frank - Why does my wife look me in the eyes when she's giving me oral sex?

Dear Anonymous,

In the business we call this "confrontational head". She's staring you down because she's asserting dominance. Be careful my friend - in the wild if the alpha continues to stare after the lower being has looked away, the signification is that an attack is imminent. So be very weary when she's got your dick in her mouth... If she continues to stare you down after you've broken your gaze you're most likely going to lose that penis.

Hey Frank - Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time?

Dear Sara,

Because time is usually kept on a wrist watch. If you point to your wrist people can assume that you are making reference to the time. I always do it when asking what time it is.

I also point to my crotch when I ask where the can is.

Hey Frank - The doctor told my dad he has athlete's foot. Does this mean he can compete in the olympics?

Dear Bobby,

Don't let the name fool you. Athletes aren't the only ones who get the itchy condition known as athlete's foot. Why is athlete's foot called athlete's foot you may ask? I don't know. Athlete’s foot has to be the the most self esteem boosting medical condition of all time.You're not an athlete! You just have some gross shit between your toes. Here are some other names that I've come up with for a few conditions to boost egos:

Flatulence = King's Wind

Chlamydia = Playa's Crotch

Acne = Fireman's Glow

Irritable Bowel Syndrome = Sprinter's Abdomen 

Stomach Flu = Model's Finger

Cold Sore = Don Juan's Boo Boo

If your old man has any of the preceding he can create a combo (ex: player's crotch and athlete's foot).

Hey Frank - I'm trying to come up with a halloween costume for work this year. Do you have any suggestions? 

Dear Jerry,

You should go as the invisible man. By invisible I mean just don't show up to work on halloween. The next day when your boss asks where you were, remind him you dressed as the invisible man and he/she just couldn't see you.

Hey Frank -Which pornography website should I sign up for?

Dear Lonely,

Paying for porn is the same as paying a prostitute. Why pay when you can get it for free if you apply yourself? That being said go to They have a SHITLOAD of free shit.

*Edit: By "shit" I mean pornography.

Hey Frank - I was washing my pillowcases and noticed my pillow has brown stains on it. What are the stains and where do they come from?

Dear Shelly,

You have stains on your pillow because you are a "sloppy sleeper". Don't worry; you are not alone. Everyone has a certain degree of grossness when they sleep. As for the origin of the stains, evidently we secrete gravy out of our pores while we slumber.

Hey Frank - Sometimes I see hitchhikers walking on the highway and I always feel bad about driving past them. Should I start giving them rides?

Dear Collin,

Don't bother. Have you noticed nowadays hitchhikers never need a lift to convenient locations? These dudes are completely off the spectrum of reality. The other day I was driving just outside of montreal and saw a hitcher with a sign that said "vancouver". Vancouver? Good luck with all that dude. What's the next ambitious bastard's sign going to say? Bangkok?

Hey Frank - My doctor prescribed Chantix to help me quit smoking. I found out that amongst the minor side effects of nausea, constipation and gas there is a risk of heart failure. Should I continue taking it?

Dear Sean,

Risk of heart failure? They're basically saying "death" is a side effect of the drug????? I think that's fucked up - smoking can kill you and that treatment can kill you too? That's like getting stabbed and asking the stabber to stab you a second time to treat the first stab.

You should quit the same way I did - I got pregnant and had to quit.
Wait a sec I'm a boy. I think I dreamed that pregnant thing... Oh yeah I remember what I did - I used carrot sticks. They're good but they're a bitch to light.

Frank Breaker

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