Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Republicans: Keep Out of Canada

So the American election results are in and Barack Obama is back for another four years. It's nice to see a brother still flossin and putting some black in the white house! To tell you the truth, beyond the amazing achievement of Barack becoming the first black president I really didn't give a shit about the American presidential race or their politics for that matter. As a Canadian my issue is with the potential republican exodus bullshit; after yesterday's democratic win, some GOP supporters were up in arms over the results and looked to us in the north for possible salvation. This morning twitter was flooded with all kinds of bullshit comments:

I better start getting the spare room set up for my grandma. She said if obama wins again she was moving to Canada — 

You guys looks like I'm legit moving to Canada - My dad is honestly looking for houses right now to move to since Obama got elected again — #nomorebama

Obama again? thts it im moving to Canada or the UK #nomorebama 
This fuckery continued ad nauseum. It made me want to delete my goddamn twitter account. So that's it huh? You hate your democratically elected government so much that you're willing to pack up your shit, ditch your country and move here? Let me school you shit puddles on a few things:

- you hate your President. Can any of you name our Prime Minister? Here's a hint - he's a douchebag.
- you want abortion to be banned. It's legal here - we Canadians aren't "anti" woman.
- you think homosexuality is a disease. We have gender neutral marriage. Dudes with dudes and chicks with chicks is fine by me! Why should they be denied the right to be as miserable as heterosexual married couples?
- you love the story of creation. Here we teach evolution in science class. From monkeys to men assholes!
- you love your pistols. You're best leaving them shits behind. There are no "stand your ground" laws in Canada - shoot first and ask questions later here will land you in jail.
- you don't want publicly funded healthcare. We've had a universal, government funded healthcare system in place for years you fools.
- you don't like immigrants. There are shitloads of us here.
- you like speaking out against minorities and homosexuals. Hate speech is illegal here and your talk shit can actually land you in jail.
- you love suing peeps. There are no frivolous law suits here. For example you can't sue a beer company because you cracked open a brew and half naked chicks didn't appear in your apartment like in the commercial.
- Your money is green and small. Our cash is big and all kinds of colours. It's like old lady money. You won't like it. Plus there's so much pocket change! You'd have to buy a stronger belt to keep your pants up.

We also have ketchup chips which are a staple in the Canadian diet. You won't like them.

Plus there's the fact we don't want your crazy asses. Let's stop the madness! Canada is not a safe haven for republican expats.

Actually come to think of it I'm not too worried about you delusional fools... most of you couldn't find Canada anyway. Try Mexico instead.

EDIT: Actually no. You should come - I've drawn you a map. Follow the red arrow. Avoid the territory marked "ZOMBIELAND". There are zombies there! Trust me. They may look normal but they will eat you. Avoid it at all costs and drive straight through to Canada.

(Maybe the cold weather will kill you off...)

EDIT: If Romney had won there would've been democrats spitting the same lyrics about moving up here. Let me say it right now - this would not be a problem! In fact we'd welcome them with open arms. The more leftists we gain the easier it'll be to shovel Steven Harper out of office.

Frank Breaker

No comments:

Post a Comment