Friday, November 30, 2012

I Believe (Frank's thoughts)

I Believe: As adults we should get praise when we go to the bathroom. Just like when we were kids being potty trained. I want to feel like the king of the world every time I pee.

I Believe: If you're ever eating reese's and you run into reese witherspoon the right thing to do is to give her the candy since it obviously belongs to her.
*EDIT: This should actually be applied to any situation involving reese's and anyone named reese.

I Believe: You should never play any kind of game (video game, board game, etc) with the dude from the "saw" movies.

I Believe: If you buy an horse sized duck the bill will be huge.

I Believe: Since vampires cannot be seen in mirrors they should all have have personal assistants so they can be told whether or not they have booger snots in their noses.

I Believe: You should never trust a fish monger who smells of anything other than fish.

I Believe: 88% of the time I am right. Others are right the remaining 12% of the time.

I Believe: Those who say "nothing is impossible" are lying. This morning I did absolutely nothing.

I Believe: Pears make terrible phallic symbols.

I Believe: We are not meant to ingest avocado. It tastes gross.

I Believe: A "walk" is a fly with its wings pulled off.

I Believe: You are meant to keep your enemies close and your friends closer. That way your enemies will have to go through a human shield made of your buddies to get to you.

I Believe: You should never hit a person with glasses... Use your feet and kick them in the teeth.

I Believe: Witches should spend less time being mean and more time knitting warm sweaters. That way their tits won't be so cold.

I Believe: Gay sailors think women and seamen don't mix.

I Believe: If you ever meet queen lafifah you had better try your hardest to not call her "queef latina".

I Believe: If you have intercourse with your second cousin you should stop counting.

I Believe: You should not throw doo doo paper.

I Believe: There is no need to give notice when quitting your employment. Just leave. Eventually they will notice you're not there.

I Believe: Hookers don't really sweat in church. They look for clients.

I Believe: They lock gas station bathrooms because they don't want them to be cleaned by accident.

I Believe: There's no such thing as a "free" gift. All gifts are free.

I Believe: Buffalo wings are chicken.

I Believe: Spraying an insect with insect repellent will guarantee he will be alone for the rest of his life.

I Believe: Sour cream shouldn't have an expiry date stamped on the container.

I Believe: Arachnophobes shouldn't surf the web.

I Believe: Straitjackets are for the insane as well as people who like giving themselves hugs. 

I Believe: You should never carry nuts and bolts in your pockets when riding a roller coaster with a loop de loop. When they fall out during the ride people will freak.

Frank Breaker

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