Friday, May 18, 2012

Bible Stories Retold by Yours Truly

Noah's Ark

One day god noticed the peeps he had made had become "evil" - there were crooks stealing everything that wasn't nailed down, people boxing in the streets, war, pestilence, all kinds of unprotected sex being had, human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together, mass hysteria, etc (by the way you get 10 cool points if you know what that last part is from). Instead of dealing with all the fuckery from the get go, god waited till the last minute before deciding to wipe everything off the face of the earth. Everything was supposed to go in a gigantic flood except for this one really old dude named noah. God spoke to noah from the sky and noah was like who and where are you? After taking some time to establish gods identity god told noah about his plan to destroy the world. Noah didn't believe god at first he was like word? You're going to drown everyone for real? For real for real? 

God told him to build an ark for his family in preparation. Noah didn’t know what the fuck an ark was so god told him it was just a massive cruise ship (by the way what about everyone else who had boats? did they all died?). He also told noah to go out and collect a pair of each animal, male and female as well as food for everybody. God confessed to noah that noah wasn’t his first choice - he had asked 17 other dudes and they all told him to go fuck himself. Apparently they could all tread water really well. Noah was old as shit and couldn’t swim good so he was in. Noah and his family began the arduous task of building the ark. Noah went out and started collecting the animals and food. It took a really long time cause all of the captured animals were all eating each other. Eventually noah realized he needed to build cages.
After they entered the ark, rain fell on the earth for a long ass time. The water flooded the earth for a hundred and fifty days and every living thing on the face of the earth was deaded. As the water began to evaporate the ark came to rest on a mountain. Noah and his family continued to wait a year for the ground to dry before they came out. Immediately noah built an altar and worshipped god by burning some of the animals he saved. The sick bastard was pleased with the offerings and promised to never again destroy the earth. Note: as a black dude I am grateful he didn't burn the chickens - I love chicken.

The end.

Padre Breaker

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