Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Bible Stories Retold by Yours Truly

Genesis one through four

In the beginning, blah, blah blah...
... the first guy on earth was this dude adam. He was bored and lonely so he started messing around with the animals (this is a fact). For the record plowing animals is NEVER a laughing matter (unless you're fucking a hyena). Anyways adam got tired of this fast so he asked god to make him a companion. God told him it would cost him a testicle. Adam wasn't down with that so he asked what he could get for a rib. POW! God took the rib and created a lady named eve. Every day adam and eve would prance around naked smelling the lush flowers in eden and laying on the greeenest of grasses. One day a snake named lucifer ("lucky" for short) came and told them to eat the fruit from a tree that god had already told them they could not eat from. Lucky said why make the tree if you cant eat it's fruit? Eve was like yeah that is some bullshit I'm eating an apple. She hooked up her partner in crime adam with some fruit too. Next thing god showed up and evicted them out of paradise. This was the world's first FAIL.

Adam and eve had trouble getting a new place - no neanderthal would rent to them cause their old landlord (i.e god) refused to give them a good reference. Finally they got a new spot and this point adam had to go out and get a job to make the rent. After some sexing they had 2 kids cain and abel. Eve was a stay at home mom who's busy day was spent doing housework and preparing the evening's dinner for when everyone came home to eat. When she had time she would attend her woman's club meetings (consisting of 1 member). One day after the kids got older god held a contest to see who could win his love through offerings. Cain offered god fruit that he grew and abel offered a dead sheep.

As it turns out god likes his meat so abel won the contest. Cain was a bad loser and he killed abel in a hissy fit. It was the first premeditated murder. When god found out he told cain to collect his his shit and get the fuck out of dodge. Cain headed for the hills and became the first redneck.

The end.

Pastor Breaker

1 comment:

  1. as someone who has never read the bible, that cleared a lot up.