Judgement Day

Apparently the world is supposed to end this saturday??? The end is nigh 21 May 2011. Why am I just finding this out now? I get paid NEXT week goddamnit. Plus I just paid my taxes.
Not cool.


Why is this clown so happy?! HAHAHAAA!

*Edit: So I guess it was all BS as usual. In fact on the day in question I was driving through Georgia and saw a bunch of abandoned cars parked on the side of the road. LOLLLLLLL My girlfriend said the drivers/passengers got "raptured" to "heaven"!! Then we saw 3 guys walking with no vehicle - I figure god raptured their ride and made them walk.

Frank Breaker

Back in the day part 3: The Home Phone

You know what I just thought about? Remember back in the day when you used to live at home and didn't have a cell phone? You'd have to use the home phone to call girls, guys, friends etc... Remember how some fool would always pick up the line while you were talking and start dialing without checking to see if someone was already on the line? That happened ALL the time in my house. And it was always my mom! Sometimes she'd be calling long distance to family in the U.K or Africa so the number would be like 20 plus fucking digits long "BEEP BOOP BAP BEEP BEEP BAP BOOOOOP BOP BAP BEEEEEP BOP BAP BEEP BOOP BAP BEEP BEEP BAP BOOP BOP!" and the whole time I'd be yelling "ma! Mommy! MA!!" at the top of my lungs hoping she'd hear me between beeps... The combination of my yelling and my mom pressing buttons must have sounded like scatman john.



SKII BOPP BA BADA BOPP!!!

The worst was when she'd use the phone in the den. It was a rotary phone.



Yeah. I remember that shit. Thanks ma.

*Edit: None of this applies to those of you who had your own phone lines. Elitists.

Frank Breaker

There's a Fraud Frank Breaker in NDG!

So it seems there's a Frank Breaker look a like somewhere in my neighborhood. This impostor has been seen by a few people I know at different locations in NDG (cosmo's, metro on somerled, bofingers, etc...). Maybe it's just that John Smith pharmacist from the West Island? If it's someone else I wonder how much of a resemblance the dude bears to me? If he can pass as my twin maybe I can hire him to do all of the shit that's beneath my station that I don't want to do? I think I'm prepared to pay $10.00 per task plus expenses but there's room for some negotiation...

-he can renew my drivers license/medicare cards.
-he can stand in for me in family photographs and at certain family functions.
-he'll visit my mom.
-he can try on clothes for me in stores.
-he can perform surprise inspections on my staff.
-we can make it look like I'm putting in tons of overtime at work.
-he can hang out with friends I don't like that I've been avoiding (i.e Ian, Stephan, etc).
-he'll be a decoy for my enemies.
-I'd pretty much double my wardrobe size because he would trade clothes and shoes with me all the time.
-he'd let me know if there’s something in my teeth.
-we can re create the Matrix "deja vu" scene with the cats but instead of cats it'll be us.
-we could earn extra cash doing one of those doublemint commercials.
-I could harvest his body for any organs I might need in the future (of course I won't tell him about this possibility).
-at halloween we can cut a second neck hole in a large shirt, slip it on and pretend to be siamese twins. Better yet we can dress up as the wonder twins! Since it's my idea I of course would be the male twin. My doppelganger can dress in drag as the chick. Or even better we can dress up as those albino twins from the matrix!!!! Yes! Except we'll be black.
-we can develop twin ESP.
-we can participate in studies for cash in the twin research department.
-we can tricks people all kinds.
-we could go into comedy and perform bits like the sklar brothers who use "a tag team delivery in which one talks over the end of the other's sentence, completing, adding to or reaffirming his comment (much like the raps of The Beastie Boys)".
-I can take out loans in his name ruining his credit (again I won't tell him about this possibility).
-if I ever commit murder or any other crime that sucker is going straight to jail (once again mums the word).
-when I get tired of having a twin I can simply fire him and tell him to go home.

This would be wicked! I think I need to find this guy pronto. I'd just have to make sure I sign a contract with him with a strict "hands off Frank's girlfriend" clause (if he violates it and tricks her into thinking he's me I have to knock the bastard into next sunday).

*Edit: On a serious note this just happens to be a situation my best friend Finger Noel's mother is dealing with - over the years his family has seen a double of her a few times in the West Island which leads them to believe their mother may have a twin. Mrs. Noel was adopted so it's possible...

Frank Breaker

Murder on the Dancefloor

This was probably one of best openings for a superhero movie. How badass is Blade?! Let's see - the guy has all kinds of of guns with silver tipped ammo, hidden stakes/stabbing weapons, a long ass pig sticker sword, crazy tattoos, dope vehicles, and a badass duster/coat.You see at 5:16 when he clocks the ginger vampire (pornography actress Tracy Lords) in the overies with his shotgun before blowing her face off? Vampire slaying gold. It's Sexual and violent... And at 6:14 where he draws the line in the puddle of blood with his sword before Quinn and his posse attack? Classic Blade move. What a hero! Incidently no word of a lie I did the same shit a few weekends ago at Rouge whilst wearing my raincoat.

Honestly I love this movie. It's from a time not too long ago when vampires used to suck blood and not penises... Blade should be in the next Twilight installment so he can dispatch Egbert (100 year old virgin vampire who sparkles like a disco fairy??) and the rest of the twilights (i.e fruity vegan vampires) in similar fashion. Not because they are ghey mind you but because they suck. That would be badass. If Blade's too busy ridding the world of Deacon Frosts and Nomaks (real vampires) then let's put in a call to Count Chocula to get the job done.



Frank Breaker - Daywalker in training

Hip Hop Karaoke Montreal What's Beef

Dopeass! My boy Richy "Full Course" (story of my life) and Deborah Castel. Who knew Deb had flow like that? That girl needs to move back to NDG pronto.

Hero win all around

Frank Breaker

Costco

I just got back from costo. I dislike costco. I dislike the people at costco. The worst are the leeches lurking at the free samples counters causing traffic jams with their carts. Go home and eat you parasites! I'd like to meet the sadist who decided that the best places for the free food are at the major aisle junctions and give him a piece of my foot. All the freeloaders do is camp their goddamn jumbo carts in the middle of the aisles of the most highly trafficked points of the store while they wait for their free postage stamp sized piece of delissio pizza. Goddamn barnacles.

Anyways this time around I picked up Computer dust spray and chicken wings (*the standard 2 - 4 item purchase see below for explanation) and waited 10 minutes in this longass lineup to pay. Then on the way out I had to wait almost another 10 minutes in a second lineup - the one at the door where they check your receipt and search your cart. Fuck that noise! Next time I'm walking right out the goddamn door not handing my receipt to any of those asshats. I'm not even going look at anyone. Maybe I'll use my cellular phone and pretend to be on a very important call... I mean I paid for the shit right? That means it's MY property and it no longer belongs to those costco bastards. Let security chase me into the parking lot if need be. I'll just tell them to piss off.

*Everyone I know that goes to costco usually comes out with maximum 2 - 4 items in their carts. Some classic combos include:
My dad: Came home with hummous and winter tires. The weirdest thing is he doesn't even have a membership
Me: Bleach and jamaican patties
My dad: Swiss cheese and motor oil. Once again somehow done without a membership.
My mom: A desk and 6 Top Sirloin steaks
Biz: Peanut butter and batteries
My mom: Toilet paper, epsom salts and a case of San Peligrino
My accountant: A piano and Newman's Own ranch dressing.
My aunt: Hair dye, mayonnaise and a basket ball net

Frank Breaker

The battle for Cybertron

WOOF! I just got through staging an epic transformers battle using my Transformers collectables. It began in my living room this morning and concluded about an hour ago on my coffee table.

“The battle for Cybertron*”

*(“Cybertron” is the shelf above my television)

Starscream was on the lamb. He was a suspect in the investigation of Zeta Prime’s recent murder. A bounty had been placed on his head by Optimus Prime – anyone who captured him alive would get an extra week of leave plus a free trip to the picturesque Nitith slave mines on Galganas 7. Starscream was subsequently run down and captured by Jazz Jackson, Bumblebee Bolivia, WreckGar Gonzalez, and Cliffjumper Malone. They bound his arms and legs with energon cuffs (i.e: garbage bag twist ties) and prepared him for transport to Autobot headquarters (i:e: my couch). While navigating the treacherous route through the Valley of Granules (i.e my carpet) they encountered the sinister 5 faced Quintesson Imperial Magistrate, Alpha Wopner and his newly hired henchmen - Skourge (“the tracker”) and the Sweeps. Judge Alpha Wopner had been in the midst of a recon mission to the transformer homeworld (Cybertron). This was phase one of the Quintesson plot to take over and colonize Cybertron. His crew attacked the Autobots with a two-pronged assault on the edge of the Valley of Granules. In order to minimize Autobot casualties team leader Jazz Jackson ordered his crew to stand down. The situation quickly became grim... There was talk amongst the ranks of the captives being taken back to Quintessa in the Quintesson ship to face Quintesson justice at the hands of the Quintesson Magi … Quintesson justice in this case meant death by Sharkticon.

Just when all hope seemed lost out of nowhere appeared Sergeant Kup, Hot Rod Smith, Springer and Arcee McGillicutty with guns a blazing!! They proceeded to rescue their fallen comrades and drive back the Sweeps, Sharkticons and Quintessons (plus a couple of cheapass GObots who had joined ranks for no reason at all) with swift laser blasts to their domes. BLOOP BLOOP lick a shot! Springer also peeled off a few caps in the air as a warning to any others who wanted to test his minerals... During the madness Starscream, by inverting polarities managed to free an afterburner, set fire to the carpet and escape. After the smoke cleared the rest of the Autobots made chase. Starscream sabotaged the Autobot shuttles and took off to the Junkion Planet (known to many as the Planet of Junk - i.e my coffee table). Thanks to Optimus and Perceptor's proactive thinking the Autobots managed to follow to the Junkion Planet but they were ambushed as the Decepticons lay waiting for them. There was still more than enough fight left in the brave Autobots who were soon joined by Grimlock and his gang of Dinobots. Even Corporal Wheelie showed up! The ensuing battle lasted for minutes. In the end there was a stalemate and a truce was drawn between both sides. Everyone returned home to Cybertron looking like burnt out toaster ovens (see above for Cybertron’s location).

Stay tuned for more epic battles...

This clip from Transformers The Movie (1986) is badass! Watch it and enjoy it.

Frank Breaker

My time machine is fixed!

My 85 Fiero Gt Time Machine is fixed!!! I managed to replace the 2 cracked geissler tubes on the flux capacitor. Here's me performing a successful test last night!



I also repainted it, changed the brakes, replaced the driver side wiper motor, had the cracks in the windshield filled and replaced all of the sticky navigation buttons. Needless to say it's no longer for sale. The new plan is to go back to 1975 just before I was born and tricks my mom into naming me "Neo" (matrix fan don't judge me). Or maybe I'll get her to name me "Morpheus". That would be bad ass! Anyways I will need some pre 1975 canadian or american currencies for walking around money. For obvious reasons I cannot go around 1975 montreal buying stuff with the cash that's in my pockets now - I'll get thrown in jail quick fast on counterfeiting charges. Can anyone help me out? Since these bills are no longer in circulation I will pay an extra 5% on the money/monies we swap. Twenty dollar bills are preferable.



No coins please.

Moses Gunn - Time Traveler

Staff evaluations

It's time for staff evaluations at work. All of my employees are decent at their jobs so I was fair to all of them. I wish I was meaner though - there are a few employees who need to deal with specific issues:

Middle aged teacher in the nursery - In the beginning I didn't understand how you got your job. Don't get me wrong you are very nice but is it possible you don't know how to use a phone? I think I would respect you more if you would just admit it. How many times have I called asking for the head teacher only to have you hang up on me when you try to put me on hold? Remember the day you did it 4 times in a row?! I wanted to throw a brick at you. Maybe you should let someone else answer the phone from now on.

Russian teacher in the basement: Lady I'm sorry to say you smell like the offspring of a horse and a foot. I'm going to rig secret santa this year and buy you deodorants for xmas. Also I heard you're the one who pees on the toilet seat??? What's up with that? How does a lady pee on the toilet seat?

Polish teacher on main floor - Um... I know you're trying to reclaim your youth but you probably shouldn't wear that brown skirt to staff meetings anymore. Last time we all noticed you didn't have any underwear on.

Pregnant punk ass - You know who you are (there's only one preggo working here). Please realize you are not the first woman to get pregnant after the age of forty! Stop complaining about it. And if you know that there's a possibility you might pee your pants at work because your baby is sitting on your bladder then you should have enough sense to bring a change of clothes to work. Plus you're a punk ass. Everybody says so.

Pretty teacher on top floor - You're very nice and go out of your way to say hi whenever I visit the centre. But your sister is a lunatic. Please ask her to stop dropping by.

Ugly lesbian teacher on main floor - You are very nice but you look a bit like a goblin. I think you should stop getting that dracula haircut at the barbershop and let your hair grow out a bit. You'd look much better. Trust me.

Head teacher/supervisor - Ok I have saved the best for last. Lady I know far too much about your personal life! Stop talking about sex and your wild nights at work. When you call your "boy toy" during office hours please keep it on a professional level! Don't ask him if the bj you gave him in his car was good (yes I heard you while I was waiting outside the office door). By the way you look kind of dumb when you wear that low cut red skin tight shirt with the capri pants and hooker boots. This is a school... not a rub and tug massage parlor. And your office??? It's a disaster. Why in hell's bathroom are there boxes of oreos, hot sauce bottles, canned soups etc... in your filing cabinets? And some people around here think you look like shrek.

*Edit: A special friend of mine just asked me if these people are real LMAO I assure you these people do indeed exist!

Moses Gunn - Business Man

I hate big bugs

I'll start off by saying I'm not a fan of insects ESPECIALLY the big ones. I've had some messed up experiences I tell you... Like in the bahamas where my grandma lives at night there are these bastard moths the size of small birds that will fly into your face without hesitation. One evening I was outside smoking with my uncle when out the darkness came this winged creature flying around like an out of control drunk. At first it seemed harmless - like it had no flight skills... It was moving towards a light about 10 feet away from me and BAM all of a sudden it pulled a serious aerial maneuver and beelined straight for my head avoiding ALL of my defenses (waving arms, kicking feet, mace, etc...) like a crack top gun pilot. BOOM! The behemoth gets all up in my business and hits me smack dab in the face leaving me covered in moth dust. I felt like I just got slimed like peter venkman in ghostbusters! Punkass moth.




By far my most fucked up bug experience was when I was a 17 and I saw one of the biggest goddamn insects of life. I was working with my friend jay at this cleaning company and we were sent out to do a wax stripping job at a daycare. Since the job took a while and the fumes from the products used were mega intense we had to do it on a weekend when no one was on the premises. Near the end of the job we were tripping balls from the chemicals... We had just finishing up mopping the stairs when I noticed a fucking MASSIVE insect about 3 inches long with wings just lying in the water residue halfway down the stairs (see artist's rendering below). Come to think of it I think it even had a mustache... I called jay to come take care of it but he was even more freaked out than me. This presented a major dilemma. I had no clue what kind of insect it was so consequently I had no clue what kind of super powers it had (all insects have super powers - they usually tricks you into thinking they can't do certain stuff like jumping/flying, biting/stinging, etc but don't fall for it). I figured since this bug wasn't moving it for sure possessed a super fast reaction time power... What if I jumped on it and missed? The monstrosity would leap up and bite my face off!!! Or what if I landed on it but it had armor of steel with which it could survive through nuclear war AND being squashed??? Jay thought the same shit... He tried calling another dude who lived up the road to come murder the thing. Dude told him to fuck off and hung up. We were on our own! Screw it I finally got the balls to handle business and to kill it. I leaped off the steps at top speed, yelled "ciao sucka" and landed on that colossal bastard with both feet. You know what happened??? It just bounced off the stairs to the bottom. IT WAS A GODDAMN FAKE INSECT! Apparently had fallen off of one of the shelves by the steps while we were working. Now you would think Id be embarrassed by this story but I'm not. At least I manned up and took care of business. When I got back upstairs I saw jay locked himself in the office and had his dumb face pressed up against the glass watching me. Plus we were pretty doped up from the chemical fumes...


Moses Gunn

My downstairs neighbor the jackass

Here are the many reasons why my downstairs neighbor is a jackass:

-I think gravity works in reverse in his apartment. Last night it sounded like the minotaurs were dancing on the goddamn ceiling.
-his girlfriend never takes her shoes off when shes in his apartment. I cant take all that heavy clackity clack clippity clop noise of high heels on the hardwood. It sounds like he's racing horses in his kitchen... Plus I'm also convinced she's a tranny - I could've sworn I saw an adams apple on that broad. I don't think trannies are very graceful in heels... She's proof that. One day I'm going to tell him I have a carrot with her name on it if she leaves her shoes at the door.
- the bozo slams his front door MEGA hard. I swear the other day I thought he was trying to keep the devil out of his apartment.
-his sons are nice but the ugly short goblin looking one needs to stop parking his goddamn saturn so close to my jeep. Its a big fucking street he does not need to ride my bumper! I think the next time it happens I will have to break off his cheap performance stick on spoiler and put in the trash can.
-he insists on sitting in the front yard on his folding chair. Why? Just because. Come on man! The front yard is the size of a postage stamp. He just looks insane sitting there. The lawn (which is my responsibility by the way) looks like ass too.
-just now it sounded like he was building a fucking dungeon in his bedroom. What in hell's bathroom is going on down there?!

Moses Gunn

When I'm oprah rich

Horror movies rock. When I'm oprah rich I'm going to buy a house that looks like people have been murdered there. Or maybe I'll replicate the farmhouse from night of the living dead! Yeah that's what I'll do

Moses Gunn

Lil Jon?

I got mistaken for John Smith the other day. Not John Smith the rapper (Lil Jon) mind you but John Smith some middle aged pharmacist in the west island. That sucks.

Frank Breaker