My boy biz and I are seasoned costco pros

I've said it before and I'll say it again - costco is navigational hell on earth! First there's people in the parking lots with SUVs they can't drive properly then inside these same asshats are steering giant carts they cant maneuver properly. It's pure madness. Plus none of these people like to go in alone they have to bring the whole fam with them (3 goddamn kids/babies, grandma, gramps etc...) like costco is some awesome day adventure. Mom dad kids and GMa decide they have to walk 5 peeps wide at a sickeningly slow pace because they think they're in warehouse mecca and are overwhelmed in their own shopping zone. Come on man! The carts should come with horns so I can honk these bastards out of my way. Seasoned pro coming through motherfuckers!

By far the worst is when people stop and leave their carts blocking the aisles. My new thing now
is I just fuck with them - I move their carts when they're not looking and watch the hilarious confusion that ensues. Serves them right! A seasoned pro is supposed to be able to be in and out of that joint within 1/2 an hour. It's doable provided you follow the costco pro purchase rule *standard 2 - 4 item purchase (click for explanation). I know my boy Biz (a true costco pro) gets it check out his costco purchase today


Laundry soap, a pillow, cake and a mouse. 4 items and BAM! He's in and out like the flash... Well done Biz! Applause all around.



PS: I want a slice of that cake tonight.

*EDIT - proof of the standard 2 - 4 item purchase rule: in 2004 Costco sold 90,000 karats of diamonds and 26 million rotisserie chickens. That's a lot of people walking around with engagement rings and chicken in their carts that year...

Frank Breaker

Costco

I just got back from costo. I dislike costco. I dislike the people at costco. The worst are the leeches lurking at the free samples counters causing traffic jams with their carts. Go home and eat you parasites! I'd like to meet the sadist who decided that the best places for the free food are at the major aisle junctions and give him a piece of my foot. All the freeloaders do is camp their goddamn jumbo carts in the middle of the aisles of the most highly trafficked points of the store while they wait for their free postage stamp sized piece of delissio pizza. Goddamn barnacles.

Anyways this time around I picked up Computer dust spray and chicken wings (*the standard 2 - 4 item purchase see below for explanation) and waited 10 minutes in this longass lineup to pay. Then on the way out I had to wait almost another 10 minutes in a second lineup - the one at the door where they check your receipt and search your cart. Fuck that noise! Next time I'm walking right out the goddamn door not handing my receipt to any of those asshats. I'm not even going look at anyone. Maybe I'll use my cellular phone and pretend to be on a very important call... I mean I paid for the shit right? That means it's MY property and it no longer belongs to those costco bastards. Let security chase me into the parking lot if need be. I'll just tell them to piss off.

*Everyone I know that goes to costco usually comes out with maximum 2 - 4 items in their carts. Some classic combos include:
My dad: Came home with hummous and winter tires. The weirdest thing is he doesn't even have a membership
Me: Bleach and jamaican patties
My dad: Swiss cheese and motor oil. Once again somehow done without a membership.
My mom: A desk and 6 Top Sirloin steaks
Biz: Peanut butter and batteries
My mom: Toilet paper, epsom salts and a case of San Peligrino
My accountant: A piano and Newman's Own ranch dressing.
My aunt: Hair dye, mayonnaise and a basket ball net

Frank Breaker