({})The Artificial Vagina({}): The battle for Cybertron

WOOF! I just got through staging an epic transformers battle using my Transformers collectables. It began in my living room this morning and concluded about an hour ago on my coffee table.

“The battle for Cybertron*”

*(“Cybertron” is the shelf above my television)

Starscream was on the lamb. He was a suspect in the investigation of Zeta Prime’s recent murder. A bounty had been placed on his head by Optimus Prime – anyone who captured him alive would get an extra week of leave plus a free trip to the picturesque Nitith slave mines on Galganas 7. Starscream was subsequently run down and captured by Jazz Jackson, Bumblebee Bolivia, WreckGar Gonzalez, and Cliffjumper Malone. They bound his arms and legs with energon cuffs (i.e: garbage bag twist ties) and prepared him for transport to Autobot headquarters (i:e: my couch). While navigating the treacherous route through the Valley of Granules (i.e my carpet) they encountered the sinister 5 faced Quintesson Imperial Magistrate, Alpha Wopner and his newly hired henchmen - Skourge (“the tracker”) and the Sweeps. Judge Alpha Wopner had been in the midst of a recon mission to the transformer homeworld (Cybertron). This was phase one of the Quintesson plot to take over and colonize Cybertron. His crew attacked the Autobots with a two-pronged assault on the edge of the Valley of Granules. In order to minimize Autobot casualties team leader Jazz Jackson ordered his crew to stand down. The situation quickly became grim... There was talk amongst the ranks of the captives being taken back to Quintessa in the Quintesson ship to face Quintesson justice at the hands of the Quintesson Magi … Quintesson justice in this case meant death by Sharkticon.

Just when all hope seemed lost out of nowhere appeared Sergeant Kup, Hot Rod Smith, Springer and Arcee McGillicutty with guns a blazing!! They proceeded to rescue their fallen comrades and drive back the Sweeps, Sharkticons and Quintessons (plus a couple of cheapass GObots who had joined ranks for no reason at all) with swift laser blasts to their domes. BLOOP BLOOP lick a shot! Springer also peeled off a few caps in the air as a warning to any others who wanted to test his minerals... During the madness Starscream, by inverting polarities managed to free an afterburner, set fire to the carpet and escape. After the smoke cleared the rest of the Autobots made chase. Starscream sabotaged the Autobot shuttles and took off to the Junkion Planet (known to many as the Planet of Junk - i.e my coffee table). Thanks to Optimus and Perceptor's proactive thinking the Autobots managed to follow to the Junkion Planet but they were ambushed as the Decepticons lay waiting for them. There was still more than enough fight left in the brave Autobots who were soon joined by Grimlock and his gang of Dinobots. Even Corporal Wheelie showed up! The ensuing battle lasted for minutes. In the end there was a stalemate and a truce was drawn between both sides. Everyone returned home to Cybertron looking like burnt out toaster ovens (see above for Cybertron’s location).