Time travel tales

Since I fixed my 85 Fiero Gt Time Machine I've been going back in time on a regular basis "observing" events and meeting cool peeps (see photo below).




Now it's time to make some goddamn changes! My newest time travelin' mission is to go back in time and find the dude that invented the "high 5" and give him a high 5 just as he's about to do it for the first time. It'll blow his fucking mind.



Then I'm going to germany sometime in the 1930's so I can spit the biggest glob of spit/phlegm in hitlars mustache. Then I'll kick the douchebag in the teeth and run.

Then I'm going back to 1996 for a scheduled meeting with myself to give myself the idea to create an internet search engine. By the time I get back to 2011 I'll be oprah rich

That's the plan.

Frank Breaker - Time Traveler
Douchebag kicker

My time machine is fixed!

My 85 Fiero Gt Time Machine is fixed!!! I managed to replace the 2 cracked geissler tubes on the flux capacitor. Here's me performing a successful test last night!



I also repainted it, changed the brakes, replaced the driver side wiper motor, had the cracks in the windshield filled and replaced all of the sticky navigation buttons. Needless to say it's no longer for sale. The new plan is to go back to 1975 just before I was born and tricks my mom into naming me "Neo" (matrix fan don't judge me). Or maybe I'll get her to name me "Morpheus". That would be bad ass! Anyways I will need some pre 1975 canadian or american currencies for walking around money. For obvious reasons I cannot go around 1975 montreal buying stuff with the cash that's in my pockets now - I'll get thrown in jail quick fast on counterfeiting charges. Can anyone help me out? Since these bills are no longer in circulation I will pay an extra 5% on the money/monies we swap. Twenty dollar bills are preferable.



No coins please.

Moses Gunn - Time Traveler

My time machine is for sale

Some of you may remember my 85 Fiero Gt Time Machine (if not click the link to jog your memory). Well today is one reader's lucky day! I'm selling it. The vehicle itself runs well (see specs below) the only issue is with the main time travel component. The original flux capacitor is only compatible with a 1981-1983 Delorean DMC 12 V6 – 2.9L. In an attempt to customize the unit to work with the Fiero I accidentally cracked two of the geissler tubes (also a few of the buttons stick and need replacing). As a result the vehicle doesn't go in reverse - only forward at normal speed and sometimes it catches fire when it hits 88mph (see below).

This is what happened the last time I tried to get up to 88. Anyways you MUST replace the broken system with a new custom one before attempting to go back in time unless you want to end up with a flaming pile of trash.

Here are the details:

5 speed manual transmission
2.8 V6. 133,000 km (mostly highway/numerous time travel attempts)
new clutch
new rims
new tires
new struts
new shocks
interior in decent shape
all electronic time travel components have been stripped and resoldered
cassette player
trailer hitch in case you want to hook up a trailer or uhaul (you can pack up and relocate to the past)

needs new flux capacitor customized for compatibility
needs new brakes
needs a new driver side wiper motor $35.00 bucks at the scrap yard
2 small cracks in the windshield - nothing serious just take it to lebeau vitres d'auto or speedy glass (it’s free if your insurance covers you for glass damage)
could use a fresh paint job (slightly damaged from the last fire)

needs to be towed - I repoed the battery for parts

$250,000 quick sale - real bargain!

Frank Breaker - Ex Time Traveler

*Edit: You also have to supply your own plutonium

Flux Capacitor unit

Ever needed to go back in time? Well now you can with a Flux Capacitor unit available from O'Reilly Auto. This is what makes time travel possible son*! The only issue is that one pellet of plutonium is required per trip and O'Reilly Auto doesnt stock that shit. So unless you have your own supplier (Libyan terrorists, etc...) I suggest you buy the Mr. Fusion Home Energy Reactor Generator upgrade kit as well.

You will also have to build and install your own roentgen meter.

Oh and before I forget - in order for your new flux capacitor to function correctly you must use a 1981-1983 Delorean DMC 12 V6 – 2.9L! Dont make the same mistake I did; I didnt know about the compatibility issue and went ahead and installed the unit in my 1985 Fiero GT. Epic time travel fail! The goddamn flux capacitor doesnt work properly - I cant go forward at all and the max time Ive been able to go back each time is 2 hours and 23 minutes. I kept going back in time thinking I was getting somewhere now Im now stuck and its 2 days ago. I have since abandoned the effing piece of shit Fiero and am waiting at the Holiday Inn across from Fairview until the past catches up to the present.

Frank Breaker - Time Traveler

*a Flux Capacitor is also what you see when a chick flashes her thong