Ask Frank: Dating and Sex Advice

Hey Frank - This guy at work has been eating my yogurts out of the common fridge. The other day I caught him red handed but he lied and said his girlfriend brought it in for him... I'm too shy to confront him but when I get home it's all I can think about. What should I do?

Sounds like either you're passive aggressive or a giant panzy. You should plow his girlfriend. Or stop bringing in yogurt.

Hey Frank - I recently decided to change from pads to tampons. What brand should I use?

I would go with tampax pearl. Don't pearls grow in clams as well as oysters? Sounds like a natural fit to me...

Hey Frank - Why does my husband think it’s OK to force my head down while I'm giving him head?

Because he's trying to kill you sweetheart! To stop him you need to get a divorce and change your life insurance pronto. Replace his name for some generic name until you find a replacement. Let's see... what's a good name to use for the time being? Got it! Put "frank breaker"wherever his name appears.

Hey Frank - Sometimes when I pee steam comes out of my penis hole. What is the cause?

The steam heat that come out is actually magic smoke. It means you're a witch! Like that gandolf dude. The next girl you sex will probably birth to a dragon.

Hey Frank - Every year my wife makes out with Santa. It predates our relationship - she told me about it when we first started dating. It's her annual guilty pleasure and she refuses to stop. I told her I didn’t mind cause I thought we’d get better presents. Last year our son caught my wife kissing Santa underneath the christmas tree. He's confused. What can I tell him?

Tell him your wife is a hooker and full up her stocking with coal.

Hey Frank - During rigorous sex I accidentally rammed my wife's anus. How do I prevent it from happening again?

Jesus! I feel for you man... I never understood why the hershey factory is so close to the hot pocket. My suggestion is to use duct tape.

Hey Frank - Why don't I feel anything when I wear a condom?

Because they are made out of the same shit they make bullet proof vests from.

Hey Frank - I think I might have sex with a girl soon but I don't know what to do. We just started sex ed class. Any tips?

As homework you should watch a pornography and in class show and tell some of the sweeter moves on the first aid doll.

Hey Frank - I want to order a fleshlight but I don't want my parents to see the box and find out. If I ask will they wrap my package up in plain brown paper?

If they wrap your package up you don't need the goddamn fleshlight.

Hey Frank - My boyfriend likes girls with a lot of hair down "there". Should I grow mine out?

Your boyfriend suffers from hirsutophilia. Personally I don't like hairy vag but to each his own. Go ahead! If you love him why not dread your bojingo? Or for a quicker option glue on some hair extensions.

Hey Frank - My dog keeps humping my girlfriend's leg whenever she comes over. Why?

Because he's trying to show you how it's done. He's a true playa son!

Hey Frank - My girlfriend likes me to ask her hot questions while having sex. What are some sensual things I can ask?

Boy did you came to the right place for this! The next time you start jamming whisper any of the following sweetness into her ear:

-Is your mom/sister hot?
-Do you have gas?
-Have you ever thought of a boob job?
-What's that smell?
-What's your name again?
-Did/can you wash under your boobs?
-Can I make a quick phone call?
-Do I have a porn star penis?

Hey Frank - What are the effects if a vagina has not been penetrated in over 2 years?

It gets dusty and grows cobwebs.

Frank Breaker *Sex and Dating Specialist

Decline in Male Public Restroom Etiquette

Decline in Male Public Restroom Etiquette

Technology has greatly contributed to the cross pollination of cultures with the creation of a global village. We are tightly bound together through communication networks, and the advance of technology is allowing for faster and more efficient transportation networks. In my opinion this proliferation is the direct cause of the decline in male public restroom etiquette. I mean why is it no one these days seems to follow the rules while in the can? The following serves as a refresher for or those of you who have forgotten the standards that were put forth by our forefathers.

When you walk into the restroom please observe the following process:

GET IN

DO YOUR BUSINESS AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE

WASH YOUR HANDS

GET OUT

It's all about efficiency gentlemen. The next time you make use of a public restroom please make sure that you put your conceptual “man hat” on and avoid engaging in any of the following behavior:

Urinal Talkers: Strangers/co workers who feel the need to engage in conversation while emptying their bladders. I'm in there to tcob (take care of business), not have some lively, devil may care conversation about the weather or last weekend’s shenanigans. Dude I’m holding my dick trying to imagine a happier place than a filthy ass restroom. You should do the same. Understand the can is not a place to mingle and make new friends goddamnit. I believe in some societies it's actually common place to shoot urinal talkers where they stand (*see illustration above). NOTE: there is only one situation when talking is tolerated - after accidentally farting you may excuse yourself to the rest of the restroom occupants.

New Neighbors: If I’ve taken the first or last urinal/stall under no circumstance are you allowed to take the next urinal/stall beside me! There must be a buffer zone between us. If there is no other urinal/stall then you should wait for a vacancy. There's no need to crowd me when I’m pissing… If I see your shoes in the stall or feel your stank breath on my neck at the urinal I'm going to make sure to pee on your pants.

Stall Talkers: People that talk to you from within a stall. They are more annoying than urinal talkers because they converse between grunts. NOTE: there is only one situation when talking is tolerated - after accidentally farting you may excuse yourself to the rest of the restroom occupants.

Courtesy Flush: Should require no further explanation. Please use this procedure to limit your stink dookie aroma out of courtesy for other restroom occupants. We don’t need to smell the expelled tacitos and salsa you had for lunch.

Phone Talkers: Texting on the can is fine but don’t be the guy who takes/makes phone calls while doing his business. Whatever the subject matter of the phone call it can wait until you reach the sink.

Creepers: Self explanatory. These pervs look through the stall cracks to catch a glimpse of your action. If you catch one smash him in his grill with the stall door. NOTE: Most of the time a creeper grows up to be a glory holer.

Shiss Fingers: (Shiss = shit and piss) – These are the unhygienic assholes who don’t wash their hands after using the facilities. Come on man! Now all the bacteriums from your dick and anal are all over your hands. Then you walk out of the can touching everything in sight getting aids all over the door handle, the bus, your food, your cat, your mom, your money, your girlfriends face etc… Bravo hero.

Edit - Even worse than the shiss fingers assholes are the fraudulent sloshers - the bastards who turn the water on slosh their hands around in the water and leave the restroom without ever touching the soap.

Start respecting the rules you bastards.

Frank Breaker

This tattoo is chock full of fail

"Tat my name on you so I know it's real
Tat my fuckin name on you so I know it's real
I know it hurts, but I ain't tryna hear it
Cause when I'm not around, I still be there in spirit"

Drake

Check out superfan over here - can you believe this space cadet actually walked into a tattoo parlor, chose a font and had "drake" tattooed across her forehead??? She paid to have this done! She got her 15 minutes of fame and a lil bit of drake attention, but now what? It doesn't get much realer than this... She should celebrate with a glass of bleach.

Honestly this fails on all levels in life. I guess you can say she gave drake some head hahahaha

She was ugly anyways. The tattoo ups her value.

Frank Breaker

*Edit: Is she really that thick headed or is this a ploy so she can sue drake blind for influencing her?

Public sex FAIL

Most people like their sex in somewhat normal places. Personally I likes my sex at home. My bed's comfy as hell, I'm usually already buck naked and I can go to sleep right after. BONUS - I'm close to the kitchen so I can make a sandwich or some tacitos if I feel peckish. Chairs and sofas can be cool to... in fact there's a lot of places that are decent - anywhere in the house, on the house, under the house, in your boys house, in a log house, in your parents house, in a beach house, in a farmhouse, in a warehouse, in a hen house, a dog house, an outhouse (blech! fuck no), a nut house, in the white house, a light house, at colombia house, on a plane, a train, an automobile, the batmobile, the oscar meyer mobile, a cab, a balloon, a hotel, motel, holiday inn (say what), atlantis, space, etc... Why public sex? Some folks think that boning at home is boring. Some like to get back to nature which just means they're so gung ho ready to go they get down wherever they get a chance. It could also be that they just want to spice up their sex lives or maybe they get off on the risk of getting caught. Maybe they like the idea of being watched... But for the life of me I can't understand how these two fools can get down like this! Check this out - these 2 fiends started to jam in the subway train and were told by fellow passengers it was inappropriate to plow on the floor. So the "respectable" couple got off at the next stop and proceeded to bump uglys on the subway platform. Even homeless people have the good sense to fuck BEHIND dumpsters not in them... . Nasty with a capital N. On what planet is it cool to plunk your naked fat ass onto the dirty piss and puke stained metro floor to plow? You know nobody washes that shit! How horny can you possibly be????? Now you got e.coli, salmonella, shigella and methicillin-resistant staph aureus all up in your sex organs playas! High five.

And to top things off this debauchery happened in toronto. The cops eventually came and busted up the fuckfest. I say they should have at least let them finish - if the dude came with the thunder they might have tipped over the edge vagina first onto the 3rd rail. Then they'd have to rename the station the "smoked salmon" stop.You know... cause of the smell. Public sex FAIL

Frank Breaker

Free: Several sand wasps nests - sand wasps included

This summer I discovered the sandbox at my work was infested with sand wasps (known as bembix speciosis to the nerds out there). My mom still doesn't believe me - her reasoning? "Bees don't live underground". What kind of BS argument is that? They're not bees Ma! I even had to resort to bringing in a specialist (i.e exterminator) to break it down but the idiot still wouldn't listen. Fuck it I figured I was on my own at that point. The exterminator told me the first step to try was pouring soapy water on the sand. So thats what I did - I spent about 2 hours drowning the bastards in gallons of that shit which took care of the problem for approx. 2 months. In late september the assholes came back. Apparently the next step is to dig up the nests and haul them away. Fuck that noise! I'm not digging shit. So I've decided to give the nests away to anyone out in the internets who is interested. I need these bastards out of here pronto before the ground freezes! I don't want to deal with it again next year. Right now they're all down in the ground sleeping off the summer but if you plant them in your yard next summer you can train them to make honey for you. Mmm Mmm! Goddamn doesn't that sound good?

Item: Lot of several sand wasp nests
Brand: Bembix speciosis (black and white with bright green eyes)
Size: Various
Flavors: Waspy
Age: Who knows
Price: Free! All you need to do is pick them up before the ground freezes

I have a few stipulations for this lot

1) You must also take the sand
2) I will not help dig, load or deliver shit
3) I have no clue how many sand wasps there are in each nest - you get what you get. No guarantees

Free: 12 empty beer bottles and 1 beer can

Free box of 12 assorted beer bottles and one beer can. None of them are mine and I don't intend on keeping them - to me they're about as useful as a fistfull of assholes. I suspect that each one was abandoned on my property by their owners within the last 3 months. I discovered them hiding under my hedge while raking my yard a few weeks ago. All of the bottles are in prime condition with their labels intact (no one used the labels as "free sex" coupons...). I have personally inspected for defects, removed all beer remnants, cigarette butts/lemon pieces, washed, buffed and polished each one of them carefully. I have to be honest and mention that the beer can was a victim of misfortune and was "slightly" dented by my rake - this was an unfortunate accident. In my opinion it's a superficial blemish and I'm fairly certain with a little bit of love and old fashioned elbow grease it can be buffed out. But if you're an aluminum can connoisseur perhaps this lot is not for you. See image below after the description

Item: Lot of 12 beer bottles and 1 beer can
Brand: Assorted - molson canadian (bottle and can), labatt 50, baltika, steam whistle, griffon rousse, mike's hard lemonade, boreale blonde, tank house ale, innis & gunn, moosehead, michelob, and muskoka
Size: 341 mL. The can is 710 ml
Flavors: I assume an assorted variety of malt, hops, yeast, maize, wheat, rice, rye, and oat
State: Empty
Age: Who knows
Price: Free! All you need to do is pick them up before trash day.



Ordinarily I would just put them out for recycling but lately my elderly next door neighbor has taken to fucking with any trash I put on the curb. Mind you this behavior is not due to a penchant for garbage picking/recycling - she does it cause she's crazier than a shit house rat. True story! The other day I saw her picking leaves out of my front hedge. She even ate a few! Anyways the bottles are all in an empty cardboard box on my front gallery. The box is labeled "puppies"but just to let you know there are only bottles inside so don't be disappointed when you open the box and a puppy doesn't jump out and lick your face. If no one picks them up by next tuesday I'll risk putting them on the curb. Maybe I can bring them to a shelter?

Frank Breaker

Mike Tyson: Herman Cain

Mike Tyson is back exercising his funny factor with another classic this time spoofing herman cain. Bahahaha I swear this dude kills me. !

Click for more awesome tyson

Herman Cain’s Campaign Promises with Mike Tyson from Mike Tyson

"Pizza PThursday"????????? HAHAHAHAHAAAAAA "The Tea Party loves crazy more than they hate Blacks"

Herman Cain Sings 'Imagine There's No Pizza' from Mike Tyson

Frank Breaker

Official winner of the 2011 Artificial Vagina Best Video of Life Award

Sponge bob is a rumbler



I'm fucking dying over here at work! You see him against the bus while being arrested??? He's still in costume! I thought it was some viral video but apparently it's 101%real. I used love beating on mascots back in the day at Laronde 6 flags. Seriously there's just something about them that makes you want to knock out the creepy jagoff inside. But I've never seen one fight back...

This mascot battle made me crack up too.



Frank Breaker *Fighting mascots since 1994

Ask Frank

Hey Frank - What is tartar sauce made of?

Tartar sauce, or as the French refer to it, sauce tartare, consists of mayonnaise, mustard, chives, chopped gherkins, and the hard deposits of calcium phosphate scraped from teeth by dentists.

Hey Frank - I turn 65 next year. What should I do to keep busy during my retirement?

You have to remember that at 65 you're going to be slow and your bones will be brittle. Something low impact would be good for you... Like gardening, reading books and yelling at teenagers. I don't know if I can answer this question accurately. I myself have been enjoying my golden years in reverse - believe it or not I've been retired since birth. Why wait until you're old to pull out of the rat race??? I guess I eventually am going to have to get a real job so I can work off the MONSTER debt that I've put myself into. Once I hit 65 maybe I can get myself a sweet job as a walmart greeter or macdonalds cashier?

Hey Frank - My son is 14 years old and I think I need to have the "talk" with him. How should I begin? By "the talk" I mean the birds and the bees...

I kind of figured you meant the birds and the bees dummy. I can't answer this one either. Here's what my dad told me when he decided to finally have "the talk" with yours truly - "you're playing with fire if you continue to date that girl". I was nineteen goddamnit.

Hey Frank - Every monday my old lady meets with her book readin club in the big city. Im sure shes actually in a cult of some kind cause I already know She cant read good. Im fixin to go down there and confront them next week. Any advice?

Listen here jethro - you go down there and be the voice of reason. When they announce their plans to kill themselves when the mothership arrives next winter solstice ask them "why wait"? Then leave the building. You be sure to grab you a free glass of kool aid on the way out ya hear?

Hey Frank - You often hear about couples who go on killing sprees together. How the hell do serial killers find each other?

You've never heard of murderharmony.com? It's a dating site for people who were abandoned by their fathers, raised by domineering mothers and enjoy killing animals. That's how they find each other and fall in love. It's basically the same concept as plentyofpervs.com which is for people who like to peepee and caca on each other.

Hey Frank - I saw a homeless woman beating her husband. I abhor domestic violence yet I wasn't sure if I should have called the police. What do you think?

First of all if they were homeless it wasn't domestic violence. What you witnessed was a street fight my friend. Secondly what's the point? Call the cops and call a pizza then see which one gets to the scene first. My money's on the pizza.

Hey Frank - My polish girlfriend wants to cook me some kielbasa and sour kraut but she won't tell me what it is! Do you know what it is? Should I eat it?

Listen to me very carefully - stay away from that shit. If you do venture to eat it make sure you lock yourself alone in a room for a couple days afterwards. You are going to have such potent gas every time you fart you'll smell food you ate back in elementary school. To quote george carlin you're going to smell so bad "you could knock a buzzard off a shit wagon".

Hey Frank - I have a tick on my leg how do I get it off without using a tweezers?

Bash it off with a baseball bat my friend.

Hey Frank - How much percents of brain a normal human will use in his life?

As far as I know it's 100%. Unfortunately in your case the number is not nearly as high and drops down to 6%. I got this figure through extensive research (i.e reading your question).

Frank Breaker

Ask Frank

Hey Frank - Why is it that we never see a black or asian couples adopting white children?

Because white kids are crazy. That's why white people adopt blacks and asians.

Hey Frank - There was a report on the news last night on what to eat to prevent pregnancy but I missed the actual report. What can I eat to prevent pregnancy?

Penis.

Hey Frank - I think I want a baby. What should I do?

Get one of those water expanding animals (i.e magic grow lizards) and stick it in your uterus. Wait 9 months and viola! You'll give birth to your very own multicolored kimodo dragon.


Hey Frank - What is the eye of horus?

Horus is an ancient a sky god whose eyes are the sun and the moon. He watches you 24 hours a day. Even when you masturbate... He's a giant pervert.

Hey Frank - How far is earth from the polaris star?

The polaris star is exactly 6.2 parstacles away. Now you may be asking yourself what a parstacle is (par·sta·cle/ˈpärstakəl/) - it is an astronomical unit of distance invented by yours truly. . Yep 6.2 parstacles is the answer. I'm right - I can't give you the measures so you can convert 6.2 parstacles to metric or imperial units so you'll just have to take my word for it.

Hey Frank - What is the former name of tunesia?

Tatooine.

Hey Frank - What did the romans used to wear?

Dirty sheets and those uber lesbian sandals. I think they're called birkenstocks.

Hey Frank - Do most ukrainians live in the city or country side?

Most live in caves or other subterranean dwellings. Numerous tales about them are recorded throughout history in which they are described as being extremely old, mean and slow moving. They are also known to be man eaters and they sometimes turn to stone upon contact with sunlight.

Hey Frank - Does caffeine get you high?

Yes! It gives you a serious buzz. The best way to ingest it is to either snort or smoke it.

Hey Frank - Why did the vikings come to north america?

For the beer and chicks. Have you ever seen what a viking chick looks like? Blech! No thank you.

Hey Frank - Where do crabs live? Do they live in water?

Haven't I already answered this one? They live in dirty people's pants.

Hey Frank - What would a knight get in return for his services?

Sexual favors. For example if he was able to slay the village dragon he would be presented with the key to the king's daughter's chastity belt for a night of plowing. He would also get a ride around the royal castle in the royal coach whilst wearing the royal robes whilst skeeting on the royal entourage.

Hey Frank - How do I hook up with a girl? I'm a girl by the way...

Well you have come to the right place for advice on chicks! The key is to be a bastard. Chicks dig bastards because bastards don't turn off the sexuality. First look at the girl you want as prey to a predator. After staring her down for 20 minutes or so her defenses will be weakened. Approach her with as much confidence as possible making sure to ooze machismo feminismo from every pore. Ask her out tell her you and her are going out for a nice dinner at a semi classy bring your own wine restaurant. It's natural that she'll be nervous so don't forget to bring a few bottles of the cheap stuff with you. At dinner take charge and order her meal for her. Make sure to talk about yourself all evening (chicks dig that). Be sure to refill her wine glass every time she goes to the can! When you drop her off invite yourself in for coffee. After that you're on a one way trip to plow city... Population 2.

Frank Breaker

Ask Frank: Fast Food Edition

Hey Frank - What kind of fast food restaurants do you like?

The only fast food restaurant I frequent these days is 5 guys. If you've never heard about 5 guys you better ask somebody - It's wicked. In comparison no other fast food seems palatable... A 5 guys burger can raise the dead from the grave.

Over the years I've had the opportunity to review many fast food spots. Here's the first part of my list of joints to skip

Taco Bell - Also known as "Taco Hell" (where evil tacos go once they've passed on). The menu consists of North American adapted or bastardized "mexican" food. This shit is real bad and has constantly gotten worse over the years. Somebody please get this message to the corporate heads - topping mystery meat with sour cream and salsa then wrapping it in a tortilla does not make it tasty. I recently read that the meat content is actually only 35% beef - the rest is fillers. No wonder my stomach checks out whenever I eat there. According to the internets the taco bell chihuahua "gidget" died in 2009 of a stroke. I'm sure it's related to the food she endorsed...
True story - I once went to the drive through and the idiot at the microphone actually asked me "for here or to go". Insert your own diarrhea joke here. The only requirements for employees of taco bell is they posses a lack of self respect and brain power.

Long John Silver - (Warning * may cause rectal injuries) my boy wattson and I were driving from orlando back to montreal a few years ago and stopped at this trash bin of a restaurant in virginia. Their "specialty" is battered marine animal (battered fish, battered shrimp, etc), battered chicken, and after eating there I have to add battered stomach to the list. We had to stop at almost every rest stop between virginia and montreal so he could batter the toilets (add this to the battered items list). At one point I seriously thought I was going to have to take him to the E.R. This was the first "shitting across america" roadtrip incident.

*EDIT - I think the place is run by pirates.

^Wattson^

McDonalds - Large contributor to the american obesity juggernaut and needs no description. The food has the most acrid aftertaste - In fact I imagine it's what an infected vagina must taste like. My boy Finger claims everytime he goes there he leaves satisfied... I'm positive he doesn't even eat the food and just frequents the McGloryhole in the McBathroom.

^Ronald McDonald bugging out when you don't eat his food^

BP gas station - Finger and his girl decided to buy pizza from after we stopped off for gas in south carolina on our way to florida. Who eats gas station pizza?????????? Let alone at 3 am? To top things off they are both lactose intolerant and we still had 8 hours of driving left... FML.

Waffle house - Shitty breakfast food served up hot and gross. I ate there once and before even eating my meal I decided it wasn't for me. Incidentally the waffle house came complete with the obligatory burned out letter in their sign. This one said "affle house". How appropriate.

Tiki Ming - North American adapted Chinese fast food. The last time I ate there the girl at the cash looked exactly like kung fu panda (probably smelled like him too). I ordered chow mein and I got boiled cabbage bullshit! Everything on my plate tasted like the color brown doused in salt. After I had to lie down because it felt like the food was digesting ME.

I'm pretty sure I tasted death that day...

Roy Rogers - Hamburger/fries joint with greasy pre cooked food. When I got my food it looked like they gave me a paper bag of hot trash. Don't eat there unless you have a cast iron stomach. Plus the employees smell like horses.

Arby's - Blech! <----- Puke noise. Nuff' said.

KFC - Fried chicken in various forms. KFC used to be the bomb back in the day (remember toonie tuesdays???) but now it's just 11 herbs and spices, 5 kinds of dirt, foot stirred batter, more dirt, 2 kinds of rooster ejaculat, that pinkish grease from Ghostbusters 2, beaks and chicken. And now they have this double down sandwich??? Bacon and cheese sandwiched between two pieces of fried chicken - 540 calories, 30 grams of fat and 1,740 milligrams of sodium. That's fucked up. And yet my boy prez still wants to try it. Yeah ok buddy see you in the emergency room!

Kentucky Fried Caca.

Stay tuned for more restaurant bashing.



Frank Breaker

Ask Frank

I'm back! How about a round of applause for my guest blogger mr. Ron Burgundy!

On to the business at hand...

Hey Frank - Why does my mom always screw up the punchline of every joke?

Because she's probably dumb. My mom screws up jokes too. Here's the last one she told me

My mom: "Haha I heard a good joke on the radio about the different types of sex. They are newlywed sex, um... hallway sex and courtroom sex. Newly wed sex is when you're new to your relationship and have sex whenever you can. Speaking of newlyweds did you know that your cousin andrew go married 2 months ago? He married the girl and he only knew for 4 months! Between you me and the wall I don't think that marriage is going to work out. According to your auntie his wife is only after his money then we both laughed because he has none... Oh yes the joke. Where was I? Oh yes hallway sex. Hallway sex is when you and your spouse pass in the hallway and you tell each other "screw you!" Hahahaha. Will you remind me to tell dad that the hallway light is still burnt out? Can you believe this? 2 weeks and he hasn't changed it. I swear the man does it to me on purpose... And don't even get me started on the toilet in the downstairs bathroom! It runs all the time! You would think he'd notice since he's always sitting on it. Maybe he needs more fiber? Don't blueberries have a lot of fiber? I could pick blueberries of the bush in the backyard for him to eat with cereal in the morning instead of his poached eggs and toast. He eats too many damn eggs! That's probably why he can't push his stuff out easily. I always hear him grunting away and 15 minutes later he comes out of the toilet with sweat on his forehead and his car magazine under his arm... Oh yes and last there's courtroom sex where your spouse and their lawyer screw you out of every dime you have.

I was stuck in a car with her when she told me this one. Longest 1/2 hour of my life.

Hey Frank - Is it alright to have leftover cake for breakfast?

Sure willy wonka. Why don't you wash it down with a slice of pie too?

Hey Frank - I work as a waitress in a restaurant. How do I get better tips? I've tried everything I can think of...

Tell your boss the client tipped you 100% on the meal but skipped him paying the food. It's bound to work at least one time...

Hey Frank - What's better gay people or religious people?

Gay people of course. They win - religious people are boring as shit.

Hey Frank - I'm a dude - Is it wrong for me to run from bees even though I'm not allergic?

There's nothing wrong with men running from bees even if they aren't allergic! I mean I'm not allergic to bullets but believe you me I'll take it up to 88mph and book it if I hear a gunshot.

Hey Frank - How many homes were destroyed by hurricane katrina?

http://www.blogger.com/www.google.com

Hey Frank - What kind of interesting fish live in australia?

Sharks and shrimps.

Hey Frank - Why does my car's engine still run after I removed the key?

Cause its a piece of garbage. Throw it in the trash.

Hey Frank - How do you clean tarnished jewelery

I know a guy. Send all your jewelery to me. I'll return it to you within 5 business days.

Trust me.

Hey Frank - What were the first colonies in the USA?

Nebraska, Nebulon, Salvador, Coruscant, Deadman's Cay, New York, Utah, and Mars.

Hey Frank - What do people in the middle east eat for dessert?

Fried sand. With honey.

Hey Frank - How many albums did diana ross sell?

Billions. She's badass.

(This one was asked by my girl) Hey Frank - My boyfriend says you can make a wish with a pubic hair just like with an eyelash. Is that true?

Yes. Wish away my little shining star!

Frank Breaker

Ask Frank (guest written by the great Ron Burgundy)

I'm Ron Burgundy (as if you didn't know). Frank Breaker couldnt be here today so he asked me to guest write his advice column today. So loosen your tie, grab a scotch and enjoy.

Hey Frank Ron - I've been having problems maintaining my erection during intercourse with the missus. I've been contemplating cialis or viagra but I'm afraid of the serious side effect of temporary blindness and hearing loss. What should I do?

Blindness and hearing loss????????? Christ how big does that stuff make your penis that you're poking out eyes and ears? Personally I don't need help in that "area" if you know what I mean. I'm a man that maintains erections that have the strength of steel and iron. That's what kind of man I am. Your penis is made out of paper towel.

Hey Frank Ron - I read in cosmo that one of the best “hot spots” to grab the man of your dreams is the applestore. Is this true?

This question is stupid. You sound fat.

Edit: I actually like bigger ladies. Give me a call 439 0116

PS: Cosmopolitan is for hookers and idiots.

Hey Frank Ron - Should I become a vegetarian? I've heard it's the best way to reduce one's carbon footprint. I really care about the environment.

If you become a vegetarian you will be eating the environment. Rather than cutting down trees for your nourishment have a steak instead. I love steak. I'm eating one right now. Steaky, steak, steak. Here it goes down, down into my belly...

Hey Frank Ron - My boyfriend's penis smells bad. How do I tell him without him getting upset?

Don't tell him just dust it with air freshener. Or buy febreeze condoms. If they don't exist I'm putting a patent on them right now.

Hey Frank Ron - By chance would you happen to know who invented Fahrenheit?

Fahrenheit sometimes spelled "farrenhite" was invented in 1893 by the the Scottish architect and scholar Ivo Shandor. He was also a doctor. And the inventor of scotch. You know all of this is true because the last time I looked in the dictionary, my name was Ron Burgundy.

Hey Frank Ron - What makes a castle unique?

The type of moat monster it has on payroll.

Hey Frank Ron - Do you want to do more or less repetitions and sets for muscle gain?

If you want to be buff like me then you do not hesitate to do it all. Once you reach my level you can sell tickets to the gun show with confidence.

Hey Frank Ron - How big is 320 gb

Huge. As big as North Dakota. At least.

Hey Frank Ron - Are hickies fun?

Only when they are on your penis.

Hey Frank Ron - I lost my car keys. What should I do?

You should "lose" your car too. I know a guy - call me 439 0116

Hey Frank Ron - What does "cultural exchange" mean?

Cultural exchange is when you have sex with a foreigner like an Asian chick.

Hey Frank Ron - Who did Marie Curie's daughter marry?

Irène Curie is my grandmother and the source of my incredible brain power. She married my grandfather Horatio Larjesse Burgundy at the pristine Chapel of Love in Bloomington, Minnesota. Oh what a glorious ceremony it was! There were flowers, cake and men dressed in the finest trousers and sports coats.

Stay classy Montreal

Ron Burgundy

Ask Frank

Hey Frank - I just changed the toilet paper roll in my bathroom. Why after my girl goes to the toilet is there only 20% left of the roll? What do they do in there?

Mans aren't supposed to know the answer to this one but I did a little recon (i.e hid in the shower) and watched what my girl does. She rips it in pieces and eats it! Trust me your girl does the same...

Hey Frank - Why do girls pace back and forth while they're on the phone?

It's because of their vaginas. I don't know the exact science but it has something to do with the sound waves coming from the device interfering with the electromagnetic radiation that is emitted from the pussy (much like an airplanes navigational instruments being adversely affected by cell phones). They have to keep their vaginas in motion to stave off the electromagnetic discharge... I believe this is based on the perpetual movement technology rolex developed for self winding watches. Mens use the same technique whenever they run the microwave.

Hey Frank - Why do trannies dress so slutty?

Have you ever seen a tranny dressed like a housewife??? No. You know why? Because they are all tramps. And mean.

Hey Frank - I like the idea of being in law enforcement. Should I become a security guard?

If you become a security guard you are not in law enforcement so the dream is already over for you. You have no gun. All you do is observe and report. Basically you are a witness who gets paid for his time. Good luck with all that

Hey Frank - Who is the vice president?

Of what? Of your country?? I'm canadian which basically means I don't care.

Hey Frank - Can I mix bleach and water together to make it less toxic?

Personally I prefer to drink my bleach straight. That way you get the full bodied flavor in every sip.

Hey Frank - My girlfriend wants us to swim with the dolphins. Is it safe?

Sure! Dolphines are just gay sharks and don't worry they're vegetarians so they won't nibble at your testicles.

Hey Frank - Do canadians really ride polar bears to work? If so where do I rent one?

Yes and it kicks ass! Mine likes chill in the parking lot with the other polar bears smoking cigarettes and shooting the shit while he waits for me. Then he tells me all about his day on the ride home. His name is carlos and he's originally from the dominican republic. Contact me when you get here I'll hook you up with his cousin fernando.

Hey Frank - Which direction is north in canada?

Step 1 - face south
Step 2 - turn 45 degrees counter clockwise.
Step 3 - repeat step 2

Hey Frank - Why do toasters always have a setting on them which burns your toast so badly you can't eat it?

This setting isn't for toast it's for tanning your hands.

Hey Frank - What are male ballerinas called?

Women.

Hey Frank - What is baby oil made from?

Distilled petroleum byproducts and babies.

Frank Breaker

Ask Frank

Hey Frank - I dropped my Iphone in the toilet and it smells like poo now. What should I do?

Go to the app store and download the app “IStink”. It’s free.

Hey Frank – I’ve been single for a year now cause I can’t find the right woman. Should I continue looking for my soul mate?

Fuck it let her come look for you. Or try men.

Hey Frank - Do you frequent strip clubs?

Not that often. I don’t particularly relish the idea of sitting around a room full of strange dudes with boners...

Hey Frank - What’s worse: texting and driving or drinking and driving?

Texting and driving is unquestionably worse. At least with drinking and driving you’re at the wheel watching trying to watch the road. When you’re texting and driving no one’s watching the road - you might as well just get in the back seat. I almost drove into a ditch texting my girl the other day. Imagine I crashed my ride?! My last text would’ve been “I'm having buffalo wings tonight BUFFALO!!!”. That’s fucked up

Hey Frank - My girlfriend gave a mock blowjob to an icicle last year at a new years party and really went at it with gusto. How do I get her to do the same moves on me?

Put your wiener in the freezer. Leave it on ice for about 30 minutes (bring a magazine to read while you wait) then show your frozen dick to your girlfriend. Instant blowjay my friend

Hey Frank - Why is my grandpa mean to some people?

Old people just don’t give a fuck. My 77 year old uncle once walked out of a hotel without paying his bill because he “didn’t feel like paying it”. He had been there for 2 weeks. And it wasn’t about the money dude is rich as fuck… I remember once instead of buying new shoes he painted his black dress shoes white to go with his white suit. I asked him what he was going to wear with his other suits – he said “I’m just going to have to paint the shoes black again”. Cheap bastard.

Hey Frank - Why did my parents have me circumcised? I’m not Jewish.

Because you parents wanted you to look just like your dad. Next time you’re with your dad ask him to show you his dick for comparison and you show him yours.

Hey Frank - I’m in love with my cousin and she likes me. What should I do?

Go ahead and plow her bareback. If she doesn’t get pregnant then it’s meant to be. If she does get pregnant donate the baby to a carnival.

Hey Frank - I cut my boyfriend with a kitchen knife on purpose. Should I apologize? I kind of feel bad…

Don’t even worry about it. The mere fact that you feel bad is good enough for me.

Hey Frank - Why doesn’t the moon fall down?

Because it’s glued on real good.

Hey Frank - I accidentally swallowed a bee. What should I do?

Get someone to perform the Heimlich maneuver on you pronto before it lays a hive in your pancreas.

Hey Frank - My sock went missing when I put it in the washing machine. Where did it go?

It was digested by your washing machine. It was probably starving - they need sustenance and their favorite seems to be socks... I feed mine a bowl of yarn every night so he leaves my socks alone. His name is karl. He's german.

Frank Breaker

Potential winner of the 2011 Artificial Vagina Worst Video of Life Award

I can't even comment on how much of a disaster this is. Just press play



I'm howling over here hahahahahaaaaa!!! Video fail.

Frank Breaker

Edit: I think I know this guy!

Ask Frank

Hey Frank - I hate my past how can i change it?

I could take you back in time with my 85 Fiero Gt Time Machine for $2199.99 + tax. Just note - you only get 2 hours MAXIMUM in the past. I use the AIS rule (ass in seat) if your ass is not in the passenger seat within those 2 hours I will leave your stupid face in the past. I'm very busy I don't have time for shenanigans.

Hey Frank - Should I take the plastic off of my furniture?

Yes. Plastic on furniture is for immigrants fresh off the boat and people who host orgies.

Hey Frank - How can I become a doctor without going to school?

I'm sure you can learn all you need to know off the internet.

Hey Frank - I’ve had my cats for years but my new gf is allergic and she wants me to get rid of them. What should I do?

Hm... this is a tough one. Depends. How big are her tits?

Hey Frank - I have crabs, what should I feed them?

Don't feed them! Let them die then stick some ice down your crotch to keep those suckers fresh.

Hey Frank - Yesterday I was chased by a swarm of bees. Is it because I ate some royal jelly supplement?

If you ate it straight out of the hive then yes.

Hey Frank - My co worker really smells bad. What should I do about it?

Spray them in the face with febreeze.

Hey Frank - Where can I buy green eggs and ham?

If you mean the book try amazon. If you mean the food try fantasy land.

Hey Frank - I'm looking for good songs to strip for my husband to. Do you have any suggestions?

Depends. How big are your tits?
If they're big: Brick house by the Commodores 36-24-36
If they're medium: I put a spell on you by Screamin Jay Hawkins
If they're small: Summertime by Janis Joplin

Hey Frank - How come when I talk to girls on dating sites none of them talk back?

Cause you're probably ugly. Sorry kiddo.

Hey Frank - Can antarctica fall off the globe?

YES! Make sure you stay north of the equator my friend. I once went to new zealand and when I was going to catch a taxi the cab itself fell off the world. I also lost my sunglasses.

Hey Frank - How do I make a blueberry smoothie without blueberries?

Use strawberries and a blue marker.

Hey Frank - Will my date be impressed if I take her to burger king and buy her a junior whopper?

Only if you buy 2 of them. If you spring for fries you might even get a blow jay on the bus on the way back.

Hey Frank - What is an appropriate gift to buy my african american friend for black friday? Do you think he'll appreciate a book or an audio cd?

Get him The Wire DVD set complete series. Happy holidays!

Frank Breaker

Even more ask frank

Hey Frank - How do I get my girlfriend to kiss me? We've been going out for 10 months and we still haven't kissed what should i do?

Depends. How big are her tits?

Hey Frank - How long can an open bottle of alfredo sauce last in the fridge?

Open it stupid. If it smells wrong then throw it in the trash.

Hey Frank - If your boat trailer collides with another boat trailer on the highway, is it necessary to call the Coast Guard?

Yes - you should call them asap.

Hey Frank - What's your best party spinach dip recipe?

1 - 16 ounce (or 500 ml) container sour cream 1 cup mayonnaise 1 package Knorr vegetable soup mix 1 package spinach 1 bottle of Elmer brand white glue 2 loaves of round sourdough bread or pumpernickel bread (pumpernickel is dark rye bread) or 1 of each Chop the spinach. Mix it with the other ingredients, except the bread, and refrigerate it to let the flavors meld together.

Hollow out one of the loaves of bread with a knife, cut the second loaf of bread into cubes for dipping. Place the hollowed out loaf of bread on a serving plate and fill with the dip.

Enjoy

Hey Frank - Is sending money through western union safe?

Yes! If you're still not sure we can test it out. Send me $100.00 and I'll send it back to you as soon as I receive it. Here's my contact info: Frank Breaker P.O box 261 5667 Rue Sherbrooke Ouest, Montreal, QC

Hey Frank - Should I put chicken in my ramen noodles?

Do they even sell chicken at 7-11 stores?

Hey Frank - I'm a virgin and I've heard if you don't use it you lose it. Is this true? Will my vagina seal up on its own?

Yes it will it's only a matter of time. You need to get out there and plow the first dude you see. A vagina is very hard to reopen once it's sealed itself up.

Hey Frank - I swallowed one of my girlfriend's birth control by accident. What could happen?

Oral hormonal contraceptive pills have the adverse affect on men - you might already be pregnant. I suggest you see a doctor immediately for termination options.

Hey Frank - Do snots have calories?

Yes they are also very high in sodium.

Hey Frank - Whos this Justin Beavers I keep hearing about?

He's the retired guy who lives next door to me. You want to meet him? I can arrange it.

Hey Frank - My 12 year old daughter discovered masturbation and now she does all the time. She uses fruits and vegetables - carrots, cucumbers and bananas. How do I stop her?

Stop buying carrots, cucumbers and bananas. That way she won't be able to plow your supper anymore.

Hey Frank - How do I get my pregnant wife to let me breastfeed?

Depends. How big are her tits?

Frank Breaker