Ask Frank

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Ask Frank

Hey Frank - Why are people against gay marriage? 
Natasha

Dear Natasha
I have no idea why this is such an issue. For real what's wrong with a gay man marrying a gay woman?

Hey Frank - How do I get my 30 year old son to move out of my house?
Susan

Dear Susan
Raise him better.

Hey Frank - Why does my boyfriend always refer to my breasts and vagina as my lady bits?
Kim

Dear Kim
Because he's obviously 11.

Hey Frank - I saw a baby with glasses the other day. How can a parent tell their baby needs glasses?
Joe

Dear Joe
This is a tough one since babies can't read...
Maybe they squint when looking at picture books?

Hey Frank - Can you boil a sex toy?
Sonia

Dear Sonia
Please tell me you're not making a dildo soup...

Hey Frank - In the shower have you ever stretched your arm out at an angle where the water cascades off your hand like its shooting out of your fingers?
Bob

Dear Bob
Yes. I do this all the time - its like a super power but it would only be useful if the people you are fighting were much shorter than you and their weakness was getting wet.


Hey Frank - What's a good name for a porno in the 1700s?
Charlie

Dear Charlie
A midsummer night's cream. 
Or the backdoor adventures of Scurvy McTavish

Hey Frank -Why is Wesley snipes so black? He is the blackest black person I've ever seen. PS I don't mean any offence to any of the blacks...
Donald

Dear Donald
Wesley snipes is so black because he was born on the sun. He's so black the "free evenings" portion of his free evenings and weekends cell phone plan is always activated. 

Also his blood type is burnt.

Hey Frank - Who is this pee diddy I keep hearing about and why is he named after a bodily function?
Alex

Dear Alex
Hes really named Pete Diddy. People misheard him and now he goes by the name Pee Diddy but believe me he's sad... I would be sad too if I was named after urine.

Dear Frank - Is it wrong for me to go after and want to sleep with midgets? I mean Lil people? Its not like preying on the mentally challenged is it?
DeMarcus

Dear DeMarcus

No it is not wrong to want to sex a midget. Its even better to "crease" one! Since the ass and thighs are the largest muscle areas on the female body midgets with their compact frames have no where else to keep the fat than on their asses and thighs henceforth creating all kinds of nooks and crannies to rest your dick in. If they stored fat anywhere else on their bodies they wouldn't be able to stay up right.

Frank Breaker

Ask Frank

Hey Frank - Who cleans up the paint after someone paints the town red?
Carl

Dear Carl
It's not paint! Doesn't the saying refer to a lady's "lady days"? In that case shouldn't the lady in question wear a tampon or one of those ones with wings?

Hey Frank - Is a coconut a fruit or nut?
Jon

Dear Jon
Fruit or nut?! Are you mad? They're mammals! They do have hair and produce milk...

Hey Frank - Why hasnt nasa gone to the sun? I know it's really really hot there but have they ever considered going at night?
Tanya

Dear Tanya
Because it's under us at night. The rocket would have to pull a u-turn and turn around. By the time they did that it would be too late

Hey Frank - I just got back from vacation. What did I miss?
Alice

Dear Alice
Scroll down.

Hey Frank - Why do you call titties "chesticles"? Why don't you call them chestnuts?
Kiki

Dear Kiki
I call them "chesticles" to avoid confusion. When I say "chestnuts" I'm referring to the act in which I rub my testicles AKA nuts on breasts AKA chest.

Hey Frank - When you call someone a motherfucker, do you mean that they fuck their own mothers or just mothers in general?
Mrs. Marois

Dear Mrs. Marois
Not at all! For me the word "mother" in this instance simply refers to the "greatest or most notable". Example 1 - "mother of all horror novels = most notable horror novel of all time. Example 2 - You, Mrs. Marois are a motherfucker = most notable fucker of all time.

Hey Frank - Do you have any advice on tipping my fedora and possibly some tricks I can do with it?
Jerome

Dear Jerome
Depends on the situation. Sometimes I utter the phrase "m'lady" right after the tip. Sometimes to garner attention I let out a small yelp during the tip.Occasionally right after this I do mustache area stroke/finger firing pistols combo.

Hey Frank - Which came first? Fried chicken or fried eggs?
Sam

Dear Sam
How the fuck should I know? I'm no ornatholagist ornothallogest bird expert
Ask Colonel Sanders. 

Hey Frank - The waitress at Baton Rouge calls me sweetie. How do I explain to her I'm not ready for a serious relationship? 
Prez

Dear Prez
Too late bro. She's already pregnant.

Hey Frank - What's the best thing to fap with?
Marcus

Dear Marcus
A scotch brite sponge mop. That way you clean up at the same time.

Hey Frank - Where do surnames originate from?
Mr. Hiscox

Dear Mr. Hiscox
Surnames are simply related to family origins (identity and heritage). In the past surnames were also related to your profession. For example, my surname is Breaker. In old England a Breaker was someone who breaks things. I still break things to this day. Just this morning I broke a plate and just now I broke wind. I wonder what your family used to do?

Frank Breaker

Ask Frank

Hey Frank - If you were one of the 800 kernels of corn on an ear of corn how would you lead the uprising?

Dear Stewart
I would turn black and get all militant up in that piece.

Hey Frank - Dunkin Dognuts or Starbucks?
Phillippe

Dear Phillippe
I don't particularly like paying for dog nuts or coffee so neither.

Hey Frank - Are gay people and robots the same? Neither of them have emotions do they?
Ian

Dear Ian
They do have emotions. And they both hate you.

Hey Frank - Does stevie wonder know he's a black man?
Jim

Dear Jim
Dude it's 2013!

...

I'm sure someone will tell him soon.

Hey Frank - My boyfriend says he loves racing. Does that mean he loves it more than me? 
Katie

Dear Katie
No it absolutely does not mean he loves racing more than you. It means he loves racism more than you. 

Hey Frank - If you're a man and you love Jesus does that mean you're gay?
George 


Dear George  
Of course it does.

Hey Frank - Since money doesn't grow on trees how does it grow?
Abby

Dear Abby
Money grows deep in the ground. Like a potato.

Hey Frank - If your penis was a country which one would it be? Why?
Drew

Dear Drew
My penis would be Canada. Because it's big. It's also close to an asshole. 

Hey Frank - If disney world is the greatest place on earth what is the worst? 
Donald

Dear Donald
The worst places on earth are the majority of men's public restrooms along the I-92. Some of them are like thunderdome - 2 men enter one man leaves! 

Seriously you ever go into a bathroom that has no stall door? Who gets so amped up while pooing they feel the need to rip the door off it's hinges?

Hey Frank - What is an instagram?
Alice

Dear Alice
Instagram is a unit of metric mass. It goes gram, kilogram, instagram, tonne.

Hey Frank  - Are dora the explorer and internet explorer related?
Alexandra

Dear Alexandra
Yes. They are second cousins twice removed. Also both of them take a shitload of time to find what they're looking for.

Hey Frank  - In rituals why do they always sacrifice virgins? Why not regular girls or sluts?
Lonnie

Dear Lonnie
Cause we need the regular girls and sluts for sex and stuff. You ever tried to get a virgin to give up her cherry??? Ain't nobody got time for that.


Hey Frank  - Why do people say that dolphins are the smartest sea creatures? Don't whales have their own country?
Claudia

Dear Claudia
Wales isn't a country of whales - it's a contry of fat people.

Hey Frank  - When is the best time to watch the movie A Nightmare Before Christmas? At halloween or at christmas?
Angie

Dear Angie
At halloween dummy! Everyone knows that. Christmas is for holiday classics. Like Die Hard.

Hey Frank  - If lesbians are gay why don't they suck penis?
Shawn

Dear Shawn
They do! The only difference is that for them "penis" is pronounced "clitoris". It's also shaped like a clitoris. Okay?

Frank Breaker


 

Ask Frank

Hey Frank - Should I have a baby after 40?
Penny

Dear Penny,
I don't think you should. 40 babies is enough.

Hey Frank - Someone just told me to check myself before I wreck myself. What does this mean? 
Charlie

Dear Charlie
It's actually check yourself before you shrek yourself. It means if you don't curb your talk shit attitude you'll turn into a fat green ogre.

Hey Frank - My son is wetting the bed. I tried rubbing his nose in it and hitting him with a newspaper but nothing works. Do you have any advice?

Marcela

Dear Marcela

It's called urine indication. He's just marking his territory. Having him neutered will solve the problem.

Hey Frank - What would You do for a klondike bar?
Mike

Dear Mike
I would go to the store and buy one.

Hey Frank - Do the words "broth" and "brothel" have anything to do with one another?
Taki

Dear Taki
The short answer is yes. The long answer is no.

Hey Frank - Is it pronounced "potato" or "potato"?
Tunde

Dear Tunde
The first one.

Hey Frank - My sister has a pet bald eagle. It attacks us all the time - how can we make it happy?
France

Dear France
Get it a prescription for generic rogaine (generic is cheaper). Bald eagles have anger issues because of the hair loss. Or buy it a toupée.

Hey Frank - If superman is faster than a speeding bullet what changes now that Usain Bolt is the fastest man alive?
Marco

Dear Marco
It means that Usain Bolt CAN'T be shot. He was trained that way - you know how they use a starter's pistol at track events? That's an homage to the origins of the sport. Back in the day the people used to shoot real pistols at the athletes. Hence the need for them to "sprint"...

Hey Frank - My girl says she's going to yogert class but all she does is stretching and never eats no yogert. What's the deal?
Chad

Dear Chad
She is learning how to eat "yogurt" the way it was originally intended. The stretch poses are actually positions to hold so the yogurt bypasses the stomach and goes directly into the intestines to clean them out. That's why people are talking so much about probiotics these days.

Source(s): My brain 

Hey Frank - I've read your posts about religion. Since you're an atheist what will you say to God when he picks you up and throws you out of Heaven?
Jaqueline

Dear Jackass Jaqueline
I would say "lift with your knees".

PS: I wouldn't exactly classify myself as an atheist per se. I just don't give a fuck. 

 


Hey Frank - Could you keep the noise to a bare minimum? I'm trying to sleep.
Lili

Dear Lili 
I need to dance!

Hey Frank - Why does my dog look at me weird when he defecates?
Sam

Dear Sam
Because you're looking right at him. Don't you like privacy when you poo?

Hey Frank - Is Soy milk Spanish for I am milk?
Pamela

Dear Pamela
Yes.

Hey Frank - Why do I cry whenever I cut onions?
Niv

Dear Niv
I imagine it's because you're suffering from some deep seated emotional trauma involving onions. Were you assaulted by an onion as a child? You should probably see a specialist. I recommend the dude in the produce section at costco.

Hey Frank - Why do all strippers smell/taste the same
Marcus

Dear Marcus
Because they all drink the same tears and bathe in the same sink.

Hey Frank - Have you ever been caught looking at women's breasts? 
Joe

Dear Joe
All the time. It's ok - it's 2013 and it's all about making oneself happy. 

Hey Frank - 01100001 01110010 01100101 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 00100000 01100110 01101100 01110101 01100101 01101110 01110100 00100000 01101001 01101110 00100000 01100010 01101001 01101110 01100001 01110010 01111001 00100000 01100011 01101111 01100100 01100101?
Mother

Dear Mother
01111001 01100101 01110011 

Frank Breaker

Ask Frank

Hey Frank - How can I tell what gender my parrot is?
Penny

Dear Penny,
Take it out to dinner and pay attention to which bathroom it uses.

Hey Frank - Do atheists fear God?
Jackie

Dear Jackie,
Do christians fear Zeus ?

Hey Frank - Background for the movie the matrix?
Martine

Dear Martine,
That's almost a question...

Hey Frank - My parents are always making stuff up. Yesterday we had "the talk" about sex and they told me I can get pregnant even if I'm on top. Bullshit right? What should I do?
Alex

Dear Alex,
I think you should tell your parents you're adopted.

Hey Frank - If you could be a girl for a day what would you do?
Lisa

Dear Lisa,
First thing I would get on my knees and pray I don't get my period that day.

Hey Frank - Why do girls have shiny lips and men dont? If you look at their lips in the light they reflect like a mirror!!!!!!!!
Jerome

Dear Jerome,
It's because lips turn smooth after so many blowjays.

Hey Frank - Why do they put seeds in grapes
Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,
Who is they???

Hey Frank - How do I stop moaning during sex? My boyfriend says I'm really loud and I don't want his roomates to hear.
Kelly

Dear Kelly, 
Tell your boyfriend to tightly hold a pillow over your face. Tell him to keep it there and he shouldn't worry if you start to struggle - its just the moans trying to escape your body.

Hey Frank - Why don't we see bats during the day?
Bill

Dear Bill
The reason why we don't see them during the day is because technically bats are werepigeons. You never see a bat and a pigeon at the same time do you?
Source(s) X-Files. 

Hey Frank - Ive been reading your posts and I wonder - are you ignorant or just apathetic?
Janet

Dear Janet,
I dont know and I dont care.

Hey Frank - Does Barack Obama fart?
Jimmy

Dear Jimmy, 
Yes he does and they smell like hope.

Hey Frank - Does gin really kill insects?
Beth

Dear Beth, 
Yes because it eventually destroys their small livers. It also prevents them from holding down steady jobs and wrecks their families.

Hey Frank - My tv wont turn off! Ive pushed the on/off button hundreds of times and even unplugged it. What do I do?
Joe

Dear Joe, 
The only way to stop it is to kill it. Get a pistol and shoot it.

Hey Frank - What are the little bumps on a girls nipples?
Dave

Dear Dave, 
They are an instruction manual in braille for blind people detailing secrets on how to truly pleasure a woman.

Hey Frank - I'm scared of going down on a woman. Is pussy juice bad for you?
Mathew

Dear Mathew, 
Studies show that a teaspoon of PJ per day can potentially extend your life by 2 years.

Hey Frank - Whats a good nickname for the name Ruby there are no nicknames can you think of one?
Ruby

Dear Ruby,
Marge is a good nickname for Ruby.

Hey Frank - Can you lose your virginity if you fall?
Katherine

Dear Katherine,
Not unless you fall on a  penis.

Hey Frank - If the universe was created by the big bang what was there before? 
Walt

Dear Walt,
The big blowjay.

Hey Frank - Is it true Michael Jackson was in a band back in the day?
James

Dear James,
Yes. He was in a band called the Jackson 5. I don't think they were very popular though... in fact I doubt they even made it out of their parents basement. 

Frank Breaker

Ask Frank

Hey Frank - I just found out there's a ghost in my house! What should I do?
Laura

Dear Laura,

Move out fool. 

Hey Frank - Do they have strip clubs in the middle east?
Gary

Dear Gary

Yes they do. But instead of showing bare tits/cooch they show their faces. I hear there are some clubs where the ladies wear tassels on their eyes and twirl them.


Hey Frank - My moms stories are so long but I feel I have to listen to them because she pays my rent. How can I make myself look interested so I don't give up the fact that I'm bored to death?
Kev

Dear Kev

I came up with a solution to this years ago - I trim one eyebrow thinner and more curved than the other one so when people talk to me I seem like I'm genuinely interested in their shit stories. It's called feigning interest 101 my friend. I may look like I'm listening but in fact I'm actually thinking about transformers and boobs.

Or transformers WITH boobs...

Hey Frank - Is it how many calories in a snot?
Miguelo

Dear Miguelo,

I can't believe how many of you fools ask this question. Please refer to the following

Hey Frank - The other day I told my man to make me a sandwich and he got mad for some reason. How do I get him to drop the macho act and get him to cook for me? I like his cooking.
Karen

Dear Karen,

You came to the right place for advice on this. The problem is you gave this fella a choice. Next time tell him in a bold confident voice "make me a damn sandwich". He'll do it. Trust me! I said the same thing to my girl two days ago and she got up right away and left the apartment. I think she went to the store to get sandwich stuffs... I can't wait I bet you she comes back with the greatest sandwich of all time! 

Hey Frank - When a lady gets pregnant where does her period blood go? 
Philippe

Dear Philippe

The baby drinks it. All babies live as vampires in the womb until they are born.  

Hey Frank - 4 months ago I had unprotected sex with a guy and every month I get red bumps around my vagina and mouth. What's going on?
Sarah

Dear Sarah,

The guy gave you chicken pox.

Hey Frank - I gave a boy a blowjay at school yesterday. I have a dentists appointment next week and my dad is driving me - Is there anyway the dentist can tell what I did?
Natasha

Dear Natasha,

Only if some of your teeth were knocked out while doing the deed.

Hey Frank - The other day I stole a cd from a music store. Before stealing it I used their bathroom and forgot to flush! Can they get my DNA from my pee? What could happen?
Huey

Dear Huey,

You are FUCKED my friend. Crime scene investigators move extremely quickly on cd theft. Standard protocol dictates that by now they should have already collected the "evidence" and at this moment are about to run your sample through the international pee database. Time to pack up your gear and head out of town before you get pinched.

Hey Frank - I'm in a relationship but this girl at my work has a thing for me. How can I get away with an office affair? She has really big jugs ;)
Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

Like Nike said just do it. After the debauchery tell your co worker that you are on a top secret mission for the RCMP National Security Criminal Investigations division and she needs to keep her trap shut otherwise you'll have her arrested for terrorism.

Hey Frank - If you are pregnant and it is a girl can the baby get pregnant if you have sex again?
Rayna

Dear Rayna, 

Yes! And if the baby's baby is a girl then she can get pregnant as well. This repetition will continue until one of the sub-babies gets pregnant with a boy. It's best not to have sex until the baby is born... Until then I recommend doing mouth stuff instead. 

Hey Frank - In super mario bros how does mario shoot fireballs underwater?
Ryan

Dear Ryan, 

The reason why mario can shoot fireballs underwater is because they are not really fire per se. It is very scientific - mario transforms his chi (spiritual energy) into a thermal energy that has the same properties and characteristics of fire which he is able to expel from his fingertips. It is also waterproof.

Source(s): My brain.

Hey Frank - My uncle died in the living room. What do we do?
Dorothy

Dear Dorothy

Move his ass to the dead room.

Hey Frank - I am taking Pramipexole for cluster headaches. The more serious side effects of the drug are overeating, hyper-sexuality and compulsive gambling. Should I continue taking it?
Marcus

Dear Marcus,

Yes you should keep taking it. You don't want those cluster headaches to come back do you? To combat the side effects eat a hamburger while you sex a prostitute bareback.

Frank Breaker