Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Ask Frank

Hey Frank - Why do my aids tests keep coming back positive?

Dear Justina
It's because the medical establishment is out to get you.

Hey Frank - Can you lose your virginity if you fall?

Dear Janna
If you fall on a dick yes.

Hey Frank - We are planning on going to montreal in the summer. Do you have strip clubs? If so what are they called?

Dear Gregg
We have the best strip clubs on earth! According to my mom they are called "skinny dipping bars".

Hey Frank - How many states are there in the U.S? Someone told me 50 but that doesn't sound right...

Dear Susan
I'm not sure cause I'm Canadian but whatever number you think it is is probably right.

*Edit: Make sure to remove one because Pluto was demoted.

Hey Frank - Someone dared me to dip my penis in a bowl of hot salsa and now it burns. What can I do to stop the burn?

Dear Chris
Wrap your dick in a whole wheat tortilla.

Hey Frank - Is a plastic bag as effective as a condom? Please answer asap the nearest store is about 1/2 an hr away and I want to get my fuck on...

Dear Stan
Yes but ONLY if you're circumcised. If you're uncircumcised you'll also need one of those twist ties they use on bread.

Hey Frank - WTF is ebola?

Dear Anonymous
Ebola is spanish. I believe it means "grandma" or some shit like that.

Hey Frank -  how come my girlfriend doesn't like to give me blowjobs?

Dear Ian
Because you call it a blowjob! That sounds like work man - no one wants to do an "extra" job outside of work. You should call it a blowcation. Or a blowjay.

Hey Frank - I read your post about the book of genesis (http://theartificialvagina.blogspot.ca/2012/04/bible-stories-retold-by-yours-truly.html). Why are you so cynical?

Dear Jack
Because the bible is full of shit - it has so many plot holes it might as well double as a pasta strainer. For example it says that adam and eve were created by god. They had 2 children, cain and abel. Then cain and abel each got married and had children of their own. WHAT???? To who??? Who the fuck are these broads that they married?

Hey Frank - What's all this hype surrounding the bill cosby rap allegation?

Dear Tanya
It's not an allegation - it's true. His debut hip hop album drops xmas 2014

Hey Frank - Should I put up a dream catcher in my room? I want only good dreams!

Dear Hope
Why not? I have one in my room... well in my case it's a dream crusher. It's a picture of my mom.

Hey Frank - My boss dies the other day. Do I have to go to his funeral? I don't even know the guy!

Dear Sanchez
Why the fuck would you go??? He's not going to come to yours.

Hey Frank - Do you ever check your phone while driving? 

Dear Sam
As a matter of fact I do. It's sad to admit but I don't think I've seen a light to turn green in over a year and a half. When I hear honking that's my cue to hit the gas.

Hey Frank - What's your stance on abortion?

Dear Jacqueline
I see it like this - if abortion is "murder" then a blowjay is cannibalism.

Hey Frank - What's you best invention?

Dear Kim
Good question! My best invention is a car horn that sounds like a gun shot. That'll fuck up the next bastard who cuts me off on the highway!

Frank Breaker

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