Shit burger experience

I love Harvey’s restaurant. I mean LOVE. But the number of decent locations in montreal is going down the fucking drain. The latest one to go down is the 24 hour one on decarie. I should've been tipped off by the odour as soon as I got in. Ordinarily all Harvey’s restaurants have this particular baked sawdust/dry booty smell which I have gotten used to over the years. I think it's from the meat. The odour saturates everything it touches - the bag, receipt, napkins plus your fingers will smell like ass for a few hours after eating. This time around there was no baked sawdust/dry booty smell. This particular location smelled like feet. Specifically children's feet - which is not as bad a smell as adult feet but it is still bad.

Let me point out it was after 2 am I hadn’t eaten dinner and was hungry as shit. This was the only fast food place open in the area that I was willing to grab food from  

The girl who took my order was missing a tooth...

 

The girl who assembled my burger was a real piece of work though. With this glimmer of contempt in her eyes she asked what toppings I wanted

- Mustard/relish application was all good. 

Then shit went downhill.

- I asked for lettuce. She dumps a pound of the shit on my burger.

- I asked for onions. She put 2 small ass pieces. When I asked for more she spooned some extra on asking “good enough?”

-I asked for pickles. She put one. I asked for more pickles she put a thousand. WTF is this? I'm not stocking up for winter.

-The tomatoes were translucent. Passed on them.

-I asked for hot peppers and she goes to put those nasty end pieces on. I told her to forget it.

-I asked for ketchup. The psycho perhaps overcompensating for the lack of onions earlier opened the floodgates and poured out an ocean of that red shit onto my burger.

On my way out I asked for ketchup to go for my fries. She drops one packet in my bag. When I asked for more she gave me this look of disdain. What the fuck one packet of ketchup isn't going to put a dent in a large order of fries! I almost told the douchebag if she hates her life so badly a bullet only costs 25 cents. I held back though. After taking a look around I understood her plight - I don’t care how much one gets paid no one is happy to be working at 3am ESPECIALLY when your clientele is mostly composed of drunk bastards. I also noticed that most of the employees looked like shit and no one serving in front had a full set of teeth. I think the guy in the back even had a glass eye - his left eye didn't move at all. By the way never trust the guy in the back. I figure they keep the clinically depressed employees in the back at the grill so they don't creep out the customers. At the Harvey’s on St. Jacques (which is banned by the way) I once watched the dude flipping the burgers leave the grill, handle raw bacon with his hands, then return to touching the buns without washing up. Fucking nasty.

Never again.

Who am I kidding I'm probably going to end up there tomorrow.

Frank Breaker

Ask Frank: Fast Food Edition

Hey Frank - What kind of fast food restaurants do you like?

The only fast food restaurant I frequent these days is 5 guys. If you've never heard about 5 guys you better ask somebody - It's wicked. In comparison no other fast food seems palatable... A 5 guys burger can raise the dead from the grave.

Over the years I've had the opportunity to review many fast food spots. Here's the first part of my list of joints to skip

Taco Bell - Also known as "Taco Hell" (where evil tacos go once they've passed on). The menu consists of North American adapted or bastardized "mexican" food. This shit is real bad and has constantly gotten worse over the years. Somebody please get this message to the corporate heads - topping mystery meat with sour cream and salsa then wrapping it in a tortilla does not make it tasty. I recently read that the meat content is actually only 35% beef - the rest is fillers. No wonder my stomach checks out whenever I eat there. According to the internets the taco bell chihuahua "gidget" died in 2009 of a stroke. I'm sure it's related to the food she endorsed...
True story - I once went to the drive through and the idiot at the microphone actually asked me "for here or to go". Insert your own diarrhea joke here. The only requirements for employees of taco bell is they posses a lack of self respect and brain power.

Long John Silver - (Warning * may cause rectal injuries) my boy wattson and I were driving from orlando back to montreal a few years ago and stopped at this trash bin of a restaurant in virginia. Their "specialty" is battered marine animal (battered fish, battered shrimp, etc), battered chicken, and after eating there I have to add battered stomach to the list. We had to stop at almost every rest stop between virginia and montreal so he could batter the toilets (add this to the battered items list). At one point I seriously thought I was going to have to take him to the E.R. This was the first "shitting across america" roadtrip incident.

*EDIT - I think the place is run by pirates.

^Wattson^

McDonalds - Large contributor to the american obesity juggernaut and needs no description. The food has the most acrid aftertaste - In fact I imagine it's what an infected vagina must taste like. My boy Finger claims everytime he goes there he leaves satisfied... I'm positive he doesn't even eat the food and just frequents the McGloryhole in the McBathroom.

^Ronald McDonald bugging out when you don't eat his food^

BP gas station - Finger and his girl decided to buy pizza from after we stopped off for gas in south carolina on our way to florida. Who eats gas station pizza?????????? Let alone at 3 am? To top things off they are both lactose intolerant and we still had 8 hours of driving left... FML.

Waffle house - Shitty breakfast food served up hot and gross. I ate there once and before even eating my meal I decided it wasn't for me. Incidentally the waffle house came complete with the obligatory burned out letter in their sign. This one said "affle house". How appropriate.

Tiki Ming - North American adapted Chinese fast food. The last time I ate there the girl at the cash looked exactly like kung fu panda (probably smelled like him too). I ordered chow mein and I got boiled cabbage bullshit! Everything on my plate tasted like the color brown doused in salt. After I had to lie down because it felt like the food was digesting ME.

I'm pretty sure I tasted death that day...

Roy Rogers - Hamburger/fries joint with greasy pre cooked food. When I got my food it looked like they gave me a paper bag of hot trash. Don't eat there unless you have a cast iron stomach. Plus the employees smell like horses.

Arby's - Blech! <----- Puke noise. Nuff' said.

KFC - Fried chicken in various forms. KFC used to be the bomb back in the day (remember toonie tuesdays???) but now it's just 11 herbs and spices, 5 kinds of dirt, foot stirred batter, more dirt, 2 kinds of rooster ejaculat, that pinkish grease from Ghostbusters 2, beaks and chicken. And now they have this double down sandwich??? Bacon and cheese sandwiched between two pieces of fried chicken - 540 calories, 30 grams of fat and 1,740 milligrams of sodium. That's fucked up. And yet my boy prez still wants to try it. Yeah ok buddy see you in the emergency room!

Kentucky Fried Caca.

Stay tuned for more restaurant bashing.



Frank Breaker