Ask Frank

Hey Frank - What is tartar sauce made of?

Tartar sauce, or as the French refer to it, sauce tartare, consists of mayonnaise, mustard, chives, chopped gherkins, and the hard deposits of calcium phosphate scraped from teeth by dentists.

Hey Frank - I turn 65 next year. What should I do to keep busy during my retirement?

You have to remember that at 65 you're going to be slow and your bones will be brittle. Something low impact would be good for you... Like gardening, reading books and yelling at teenagers. I don't know if I can answer this question accurately. I myself have been enjoying my golden years in reverse - believe it or not I've been retired since birth. Why wait until you're old to pull out of the rat race??? I guess I eventually am going to have to get a real job so I can work off the MONSTER debt that I've put myself into. Once I hit 65 maybe I can get myself a sweet job as a walmart greeter or macdonalds cashier?

Hey Frank - My son is 14 years old and I think I need to have the "talk" with him. How should I begin? By "the talk" I mean the birds and the bees...

I kind of figured you meant the birds and the bees dummy. I can't answer this one either. Here's what my dad told me when he decided to finally have "the talk" with yours truly - "you're playing with fire if you continue to date that girl". I was nineteen goddamnit.

Hey Frank - Every monday my old lady meets with her book readin club in the big city. Im sure shes actually in a cult of some kind cause I already know She cant read good. Im fixin to go down there and confront them next week. Any advice?

Listen here jethro - you go down there and be the voice of reason. When they announce their plans to kill themselves when the mothership arrives next winter solstice ask them "why wait"? Then leave the building. You be sure to grab you a free glass of kool aid on the way out ya hear?

Hey Frank - You often hear about couples who go on killing sprees together. How the hell do serial killers find each other?

You've never heard of murderharmony.com? It's a dating site for people who were abandoned by their fathers, raised by domineering mothers and enjoy killing animals. That's how they find each other and fall in love. It's basically the same concept as plentyofpervs.com which is for people who like to peepee and caca on each other.

Hey Frank - I saw a homeless woman beating her husband. I abhor domestic violence yet I wasn't sure if I should have called the police. What do you think?

First of all if they were homeless it wasn't domestic violence. What you witnessed was a street fight my friend. Secondly what's the point? Call the cops and call a pizza then see which one gets to the scene first. My money's on the pizza.

Hey Frank - My polish girlfriend wants to cook me some kielbasa and sour kraut but she won't tell me what it is! Do you know what it is? Should I eat it?

Listen to me very carefully - stay away from that shit. If you do venture to eat it make sure you lock yourself alone in a room for a couple days afterwards. You are going to have such potent gas every time you fart you'll smell food you ate back in elementary school. To quote george carlin you're going to smell so bad "you could knock a buzzard off a shit wagon".

Hey Frank - I have a tick on my leg how do I get it off without using a tweezers?

Bash it off with a baseball bat my friend.

Hey Frank - How much percents of brain a normal human will use in his life?

As far as I know it's 100%. Unfortunately in your case the number is not nearly as high and drops down to 6%. I got this figure through extensive research (i.e reading your question).

Frank Breaker