Ask Frank

Hey Frank - I dropped my Iphone in the toilet and it smells like poo now. What should I do?

Go to the app store and download the app “IStink”. It’s free.

Hey Frank – I’ve been single for a year now cause I can’t find the right woman. Should I continue looking for my soul mate?

Fuck it let her come look for you. Or try men.

Hey Frank - Do you frequent strip clubs?

Not that often. I don’t particularly relish the idea of sitting around a room full of strange dudes with boners...

Hey Frank - What’s worse: texting and driving or drinking and driving?

Texting and driving is unquestionably worse. At least with drinking and driving you’re at the wheel watching trying to watch the road. When you’re texting and driving no one’s watching the road - you might as well just get in the back seat. I almost drove into a ditch texting my girl the other day. Imagine I crashed my ride?! My last text would’ve been “I'm having buffalo wings tonight BUFFALO!!!”. That’s fucked up

Hey Frank - My girlfriend gave a mock blowjob to an icicle last year at a new years party and really went at it with gusto. How do I get her to do the same moves on me?

Put your wiener in the freezer. Leave it on ice for about 30 minutes (bring a magazine to read while you wait) then show your frozen dick to your girlfriend. Instant blowjay my friend

Hey Frank - Why is my grandpa mean to some people?

Old people just don’t give a fuck. My 77 year old uncle once walked out of a hotel without paying his bill because he “didn’t feel like paying it”. He had been there for 2 weeks. And it wasn’t about the money dude is rich as fuck… I remember once instead of buying new shoes he painted his black dress shoes white to go with his white suit. I asked him what he was going to wear with his other suits – he said “I’m just going to have to paint the shoes black again”. Cheap bastard.

Hey Frank - Why did my parents have me circumcised? I’m not Jewish.

Because you parents wanted you to look just like your dad. Next time you’re with your dad ask him to show you his dick for comparison and you show him yours.

Hey Frank - I’m in love with my cousin and she likes me. What should I do?

Go ahead and plow her bareback. If she doesn’t get pregnant then it’s meant to be. If she does get pregnant donate the baby to a carnival.

Hey Frank - I cut my boyfriend with a kitchen knife on purpose. Should I apologize? I kind of feel bad…

Don’t even worry about it. The mere fact that you feel bad is good enough for me.

Hey Frank - Why doesn’t the moon fall down?

Because it’s glued on real good.

Hey Frank - I accidentally swallowed a bee. What should I do?

Get someone to perform the Heimlich maneuver on you pronto before it lays a hive in your pancreas.

Hey Frank - My sock went missing when I put it in the washing machine. Where did it go?

It was digested by your washing machine. It was probably starving - they need sustenance and their favorite seems to be socks... I feed mine a bowl of yarn every night so he leaves my socks alone. His name is karl. He's german.

Frank Breaker