Dogs driving cars

Now I've seen it all.



I just realized Monty drives better than my mom! She's a SHIT driver. She's gotten into 4 car accidents in her own fucking driveway. Two years ago she murdered my basketball pole by backing into it.

Monty's face at 0:24 is priceless. He's like "what the fuck is happening here".

*Edit: I want to ship Baxter off to them for training. Imagine if I owned a canine chauffeur?? He could come pick me up whenever I'm drunk.

Frank Breaker

I Believe (Frank's thoughts)

I Believe: As adults we should get praise when we go to the bathroom. Just like when we were kids being potty trained. I want to feel like the king of the world every time I pee.

I Believe: If you're ever eating reese's and you run into reese witherspoon the right thing to do is to give her the candy since it obviously belongs to her.
*EDIT: This should actually be applied to any situation involving reese's and anyone named reese.

I Believe: You should never play any kind of game (video game, board game, etc) with the dude from the "saw" movies.

I Believe: If you buy an horse sized duck the bill will be huge.

I Believe: Since vampires cannot be seen in mirrors they should all have have personal assistants so they can be told whether or not they have booger snots in their noses.

I Believe: You should never trust a fish monger who smells of anything other than fish.

I Believe: 88% of the time I am right. Others are right the remaining 12% of the time.

I Believe: Those who say "nothing is impossible" are lying. This morning I did absolutely nothing.

I Believe: Pears make terrible phallic symbols.

I Believe: We are not meant to ingest avocado. It tastes gross.

I Believe: A "walk" is a fly with its wings pulled off.

I Believe: You are meant to keep your enemies close and your friends closer. That way your enemies will have to go through a human shield made of your buddies to get to you.

I Believe: You should never hit a person with glasses... Use your feet and kick them in the teeth.

I Believe: Witches should spend less time being mean and more time knitting warm sweaters. That way their tits won't be so cold.

I Believe: Gay sailors think women and seamen don't mix.

I Believe: If you ever meet queen lafifah you had better try your hardest to not call her "queef latina".

I Believe: If you have intercourse with your second cousin you should stop counting.

I Believe: You should not throw doo doo paper.

I Believe: There is no need to give notice when quitting your employment. Just leave. Eventually they will notice you're not there.

I Believe: Hookers don't really sweat in church. They look for clients.

I Believe: They lock gas station bathrooms because they don't want them to be cleaned by accident.

I Believe: There's no such thing as a "free" gift. All gifts are free.

I Believe: Buffalo wings are chicken.

I Believe: Spraying an insect with insect repellent will guarantee he will be alone for the rest of his life.

I Believe: Sour cream shouldn't have an expiry date stamped on the container.

I Believe: Arachnophobes shouldn't surf the web.

I Believe: Straitjackets are for the insane as well as people who like giving themselves hugs. 

I Believe: You should never carry nuts and bolts in your pockets when riding a roller coaster with a loop de loop. When they fall out during the ride people will freak.

Frank Breaker

Republicans: Keep Out of Canada

So the American election results are in and Barack Obama is back for another four years. It's nice to see a brother still flossin and putting some black in the white house! To tell you the truth, beyond the amazing achievement of Barack becoming the first black president I really didn't give a shit about the American presidential race or their politics for that matter. As a Canadian my issue is with the potential republican exodus bullshit; after yesterday's democratic win, some GOP supporters were up in arms over the results and looked to us in the north for possible salvation. This morning twitter was flooded with all kinds of bullshit comments:

I better start getting the spare room set up for my grandma. She said if obama wins again she was moving to Canada — 

You guys looks like I'm legit moving to Canada - My dad is honestly looking for houses right now to move to since Obama got elected again — #nomorebama

Obama again? thts it im moving to Canada or the UK #nomorebama 

This fuckery continued ad nauseum. It made me want to delete my goddamn twitter account. So that's it huh? You hate your democratically elected government so much that you're willing to pack up your shit, ditch your country and move here? Let me school you shit puddles on a few things:

- you hate your President. Can any of you name our Prime Minister? Here's a hint - he's a douchebag.
- you want abortion to be banned. It's legal here - we Canadians aren't "anti" woman.
- you think homosexuality is a disease. We have gender neutral marriage. Dudes with dudes and chicks with chicks is fine by me! Why should they be denied the right to be as miserable as heterosexual married couples?
- you love the story of creation. Here we teach evolution in science class. From monkeys to men assholes!
- you love your pistols. You're best leaving them shits behind. There are no "stand your ground" laws in Canada - shoot first and ask questions later here will land you in jail.
- you don't want publicly funded healthcare. We've had a universal, government funded healthcare system in place for years you fools.
- you don't like immigrants. There are shitloads of us here.
- you like speaking out against minorities and homosexuals. Hate speech is illegal here and your talk shit can actually land you in jail.
- you love suing peeps. There are no frivolous law suits here. For example you can't sue a beer company because you cracked open a brew and half naked chicks didn't appear in your apartment like in the commercial.
- Your money is green and small. Our cash is big and all kinds of colours. It's like old lady money. You won't like it. Plus there's so much pocket change! You'd have to buy a stronger belt to keep your pants up.

We also have ketchup chips which are a staple in the Canadian diet. You won't like them.

Plus there's the fact we don't want your crazy asses. Let's stop the madness! Canada is not a safe haven for republican expats.

Actually come to think of it I'm not too worried about you delusional fools... most of you couldn't find Canada anyway. Try Mexico instead.

EDIT: Actually no. You should come - I've drawn you a map. Follow the red arrow. Avoid the territory marked "ZOMBIELAND". There are zombies there! Trust me. They may look normal but they will eat you. Avoid it at all costs and drive straight through to Canada.

(Maybe the cold weather will kill you off...)

EDIT: If Romney had won there would've been democrats spitting the same lyrics about moving up here. Let me say it right now - this would not be a problem! In fact we'd welcome them with open arms. The more leftists we gain the easier it'll be to shovel Steven Harper out of office.

Frank Breaker

Halloween back in the day

When I was a kid halloween was the MASSIVE event for me and my crew. It ranked right up there with birthdays and xmas. For us "halloween" was synonymous with "candyrun". I mean costumes played a big role but the ultimate prize was the crop. If you hustled enough you could stock up for months! When it came to the sweet shits we horded like there was no tomorrow. Rule number one? Go as long and as hard as possible. We could only take advantage of this golden opportunity once a year...

Security
Protecting your haul was almost like a post apocalyptic situation where no one but your closest friends could be trusted. Not even my family was privy to the true location of my bounty - I used to leave a bowl of shit candy (black licorice, raisins, rockets, marshmallow stuffed shit, etc) in my closet as a decoy cause my mom and sister used to steal my shit. The real stash was under my bottom dresser drawer. That was when I was old enough to protect my shit. In prior years my mom would "check" my candy under the guise of "safety" (searching for shit I was allergic to, poisons, razor blades, etc...). After she was done I was always ass out of mars bars. She claimed it's cause mars bars had peanuts in them. Bullshit! There's no peanuts in mars just admit you like them! In fact you have cash go out and buy your own. You shouldn't be robbing your son. Goddamn crook.

Costumes
My mom used to insist on choosing/making my costumes every year until I was about 8 and I put my foot down and told her I wanted to choose. Ordinarily the costumes were ok (robot, bat, dracula)... One year I asked to be a ninja. Due to my moms shit sewing abilities and her lack of understanding what a ninja was I ended up looking like a black ghost with a sword and a belt. She had no qualms whatsoever letting me leave the house looking retarded. No one knew what I was supposed to be... That really slowed down my night (see below under "What are you supposed to be?"). The next year her seamstress friend rita decided to fix the costume so the ninja suit it would look more authentic. It ended up looking fantastic! The only issue was that year was I wanted to be a cop. We had all decided to be cops that year... My mom insisted I wear the fixed ninja suit - she felt bad about the time rita had put into it so to discourage me she only bought me the badge, gun and cuffs. I of course wanted the hat and shirt but she said no. Finally she convinced me to combine the costumes. We pinned the badge to my chest and tucked the cuffs, gun and sword into my belt. I became the worlds first ninja cop! It ended up being a cool costume and my crew were all jealous. But of course she insisted I wear my jacket! Why would I want to wear a jacket??? How would anyone see my badass costume? That's when I started bringing an extra pillow case to ditch my coat in.

Hitting the streets
Thanks to my friend scotty boy's 2 older brothers we managed to come up with a kick ass trick or treat system. As soon as it got pitch black we would hit the streets and link up at the park by scotty boy's house - it was me, scotty boy, jay o and white rob (as opposed to black rob). Black rob would always want to come out with us but the rule was we never go out in a group of more than 4. You get more loot that way. Plus no one liked black rob anyway...

We would use pillow cases - plastic bags were for amateurs. Pillow cases were stronger plus they held more.

Jay o was the flash light holder. Only because he insisted - he was obsessed with star wars and would pretend it was a light sabre.

Since scotty boy and white rob were the biggest of us four they were the look outs/muscle - we had to make sure there weren't any bigger kids lurking around to mug us for our shit. *Note - Scotty boy would always have a 2 foot long mini baseball bat in his bag which his brother gave him for protection.

I was the self designated door bell ringer - I made sure to only ring the door when we were all together on the stoop and not a second earlier so we all got approximately the same amount of loot.

We hated houses where punkasses would answer the door to say they had no candy left. Out of stock? Then turn off your goddamn lights and don't waste my time! This is a universal halloween rule.

We also hated the people who like talking to trick or treaters at the door. Whats up with those fools? "Oh I like your costume..." "Give me a trick..." etc... The worst by far was "What are you supposed to be?". What am I supposed to be?! I'm supposed to be at the next house by now so get the candy in the bag! Halloween is about survival of the fittest and we need to keep the ball rolling.

Mrs Johnson's house was one house we would always make sure to hit early. She gave out the good shit. Full sized chocolate bars! Most of the time they were mars, twix or 3 musketeers. And the bonus? A lot of kids in the neighborhood didn't know she had a tenant that lived in the basement. The entrance to his place was in the back - he was one of those lazy peeps who would put out a bowl of candy and would write on it "please take one". Pft! Please take one? That's crazy talk. We would take it all. I would even take the bowl. That's what I would use to put my shit candy in that my family used to steal (as mentioned above)

Post evening wrap up
Trading! We'd end up back where we started at scotty boy's house, dump our candy into individual piles and begin negotiations. We'd always try and convince each other that certain treats weren't good just to get the upper hand in the trade. White rob would aways try and get rid of all his black stuff but he would have to sweeten the deal by throwing in something good. Since I was allergic to peanuts I would trade away all my peanut laced crap. I was a power trader - those fools loved all that peanut shit. Jay o hated anything with marshmallows. Scotty liked mostly everything so he was easy to deal with. Then we'd break out and go home to start planning next year's costumes.

Frank "Ninja Cop" Breaker

Stupid Expressions 2

Here is a list of stupid expressions/colloquialisms I've heard various people say around me over the past since the last stupid expressions post I made 4 months ago.

You must have a horseshoe up your ass (my dad's friend)

WTF? My dad's buddy used this to describe a car accident I had about a month ago where I TOTALED some chick's chevy malibu with my jeep (her fault). I was reversing, the idiot pulled in behind me and my tow hook cut through her shit car like a can opener. There was no damage on my car so according to my dad's friend "I had a horseshoe up my ass". This is supposed to be a good thing? Anything shoved up my ass doesn't sound good to me ESPECIALLY something as large as a goddamn horseshoe...

Actually it sounds like I got into a fist fight with a horse and lost.

She has sex on the legs (my cousin)

Meh. Don't know about this one - he claims it means that the girl he's referring to is hot but I have a feeling he made it up. Put this one on the stupid expressions pile.

A penny saved is a penny earned (my mom)

You dummy. A penny saved is just a penny saved cheapskate. It doesn't somehow magically double in value...

Speaking of doubling in value:
A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush (my dad)

I must have written about this one before - my dad says this about once or twice a year and I never have a clue what the fuck he's saying. So a few weeks ago I asked him what the hell it means. If this bird I'm holding is worth cash money then who determines it's value? And since the bird is worth twice as much in the bush is the bush a multiplier? I mean if I leave the bush is my bird still worth twice as much or do I have to bring the bush with me to the currency exchange office when I cash in my fowl? Are larger birds worth more? Like say a hummingbird versus an ostrich? How will I hold an ostrich down in a bush? Them shits are vicious...

He never answered me.

Keep your friends close and your enemies closer (my dad)

Why would I keep my enemies closer than my friends? That's just plain stupid. I would keep my friends closer so that they form a human shield between me and my enemies. If any of my many enemies want to get me they'll have to kill a few of my buddies first.

That's like the pot calling the kettle black (one of my employees)

That pot is a racist bastard.


One person's trash is another man's treasure (my handyman)

Nope. I'm pretty sure it's still trash. Unless you're homeless...

Money can't buy happiness (random)

BULLSHIT! If you believe this then please by all means give me your cash. I guarantee you I'll buy some shit that makes me smile.

The grass is always greener in your neighbors yard (my office assistant)

I guess this one happens to be true at my house - my neighbor takes care of his grass using fertilizers and all that jazz to make his shit grow. Meanwhile I don't give a fuck about mine.

By the way "I don't give a fuck" is my phrase of the month. Wanda Sykes is JOKES! Watch:



Let's not beat around the bush (my dad)

Again with the bushes??? Is this bastard trying to get at my precious birds? I have a feeling he knows something about the value of these winged treasures.

I'm gonna keep my eye on him.

It's always in the last place you look (my sister)

Not for me - I keep looking long after I've found whatever I was originally looking for. Sometimes I find other shit.

I'm between a rock and a hard place (my mom)

She was referring to having to fire our janitor. Regarding the expression - I know what a rock is but what in gods worth is a hard place?


Tit for tat (my dad)

WTF is a tat? I don't think I'm comfortable trading up any tits for it. I like tits.

That horse fart is going to be the death of me (my mom referring to my sister)

WOW!! Horse fart?! I'm sure she made this one up.

Come to think of it this expression actually kicks ass. I'm using it tonight.


The fan's going to hit the roof (my mom)

??????????

I think she was trying to say the shit's going to hit the fan. I know it refers to a situation going from bad to worse but the expression is still stupid. The fan splatters the poo everywhere? Who's the bastard throwing this poo around? Why can't he/she just leave it where it belongs?

Franklin "don't give a fuck" Breaker

Ask Frank

Hey Frank - I just found out there's a ghost in my house! What should I do?
Laura

Dear Laura,

Move out fool. 

Hey Frank - Do they have strip clubs in the middle east?
Gary

Dear Gary

Yes they do. But instead of showing bare tits/cooch they show their faces. I hear there are some clubs where the ladies wear tassels on their eyes and twirl them.


Hey Frank - My moms stories are so long but I feel I have to listen to them because she pays my rent. How can I make myself look interested so I don't give up the fact that I'm bored to death?
Kev

Dear Kev

I came up with a solution to this years ago - I trim one eyebrow thinner and more curved than the other one so when people talk to me I seem like I'm genuinely interested in their shit stories. It's called feigning interest 101 my friend. I may look like I'm listening but in fact I'm actually thinking about transformers and boobs.

Or transformers WITH boobs...

Hey Frank - Is it how many calories in a snot?
Miguelo

Dear Miguelo,

I can't believe how many of you fools ask this question. Please refer to the following

Hey Frank - The other day I told my man to make me a sandwich and he got mad for some reason. How do I get him to drop the macho act and get him to cook for me? I like his cooking.
Karen

Dear Karen,

You came to the right place for advice on this. The problem is you gave this fella a choice. Next time tell him in a bold confident voice "make me a damn sandwich". He'll do it. Trust me! I said the same thing to my girl two days ago and she got up right away and left the apartment. I think she went to the store to get sandwich stuffs... I can't wait I bet you she comes back with the greatest sandwich of all time! 

Hey Frank - When a lady gets pregnant where does her period blood go? 
Philippe

Dear Philippe

The baby drinks it. All babies live as vampires in the womb until they are born.  

Hey Frank - 4 months ago I had unprotected sex with a guy and every month I get red bumps around my vagina and mouth. What's going on?
Sarah

Dear Sarah,

The guy gave you chicken pox.

Hey Frank - I gave a boy a blowjay at school yesterday. I have a dentists appointment next week and my dad is driving me - Is there anyway the dentist can tell what I did?
Natasha

Dear Natasha,

Only if some of your teeth were knocked out while doing the deed.

Hey Frank - The other day I stole a cd from a music store. Before stealing it I used their bathroom and forgot to flush! Can they get my DNA from my pee? What could happen?
Huey

Dear Huey,

You are FUCKED my friend. Crime scene investigators move extremely quickly on cd theft. Standard protocol dictates that by now they should have already collected the "evidence" and at this moment are about to run your sample through the international pee database. Time to pack up your gear and head out of town before you get pinched.

Hey Frank - I'm in a relationship but this girl at my work has a thing for me. How can I get away with an office affair? She has really big jugs ;)
Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

Like Nike said just do it. After the debauchery tell your co worker that you are on a top secret mission for the RCMP National Security Criminal Investigations division and she needs to keep her trap shut otherwise you'll have her arrested for terrorism.

Hey Frank - If you are pregnant and it is a girl can the baby get pregnant if you have sex again?
Rayna

Dear Rayna, 

Yes! And if the baby's baby is a girl then she can get pregnant as well. This repetition will continue until one of the sub-babies gets pregnant with a boy. It's best not to have sex until the baby is born... Until then I recommend doing mouth stuff instead. 

Hey Frank - In super mario bros how does mario shoot fireballs underwater?
Ryan

Dear Ryan, 

The reason why mario can shoot fireballs underwater is because they are not really fire per se. It is very scientific - mario transforms his chi (spiritual energy) into a thermal energy that has the same properties and characteristics of fire which he is able to expel from his fingertips. It is also waterproof.

Source(s): My brain.

Hey Frank - My uncle died in the living room. What do we do?
Dorothy

Dear Dorothy

Move his ass to the dead room.

Hey Frank - I am taking Pramipexole for cluster headaches. The more serious side effects of the drug are overeating, hyper-sexuality and compulsive gambling. Should I continue taking it?
Marcus

Dear Marcus,

Yes you should keep taking it. You don't want those cluster headaches to come back do you? To combat the side effects eat a hamburger while you sex a prostitute bareback.

Frank Breaker

All I can say is LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL

I apologize for my brief hiatus but trust me the following should make up for my absence



I don't know where to begin with this video! Why was kojak maxing the throttle??? From jump you could tell that this entire crew was in for a disaster

What about the captain of this failboat???? Did he died? I thought the whole team was dead when he face planted into the deck. HAHAHAHA dude flew to the ground like a plank of wood! And pink bikini had me rolling hahahaha she started off with this cocky smile on her face then 3 seconds in shit gets real and suddenly no more smirk.

*Edit: She kind of looks like an ex girlfriend of mine which makes this shit even funnier so I have decided to do a more in depth analysis of her "trip"

First jump: she cracks her chin on the seat.
Second jump: she smashes her forehead on the head rest.
Third jump: She gets a mouthful of ass as she flies face first into green bikini's backside before rolling her carcass up in front of the camera. Check 0:37 looks like she's picking pieces of booty out of her teeth lol
Green bikini regains composure/consciousness and asks "what happened?". What the fuck you think happened? You let an overzealous bastard drive the boat! I think dude thought he was piloting a jet plane.
Then she says "we've been doing so good. I don't understand... it's gotten so rough out here." This is priceless! Look at the background - there is no wave in sight.

Their team's fail equals our team's win. It's videos like this that make the world go round. More everything!!!!

**Edit: I have dubbed their ship the "failboat". I'm watching the clip muted with the "love boat" theme in the background...

Frank Breaker

***Edit: OH MY GOD! Someone added the theme music from benny hill I just cut my hand falling off my chair this is fucking funny as shit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



then dubstepified



Haha

Lol.

Frank Breaker

Potential winner of the 2012 Artificial Vagina Best/Worst Video of Life Award

Straight from the artificial vagina korean office comes a video that has shut the internet down for me today. This could be the 2012 winner of the Artificial Vagina Best/Worst Video of Life award but as usual I'm not going to crown it too prematurely. The rules are the same as always - depending on taste, this might either be the best or worst videos ever committed to film.

I present PSY Gangnam Style




Here are the highlights of the clip

- I thought he was saying "open condom star"
- he is dead serious about this video...
- why is he tanning on a children's playground?
- the horse bobbing his head at 0:27 
- the kid at 0:22 has swagger check his expression at 0:28. I give that duck face a pass
- why is there garbage being blown on them at 0:35?? LOOOOL and then it turns into snow?????
- someone please explain the sauna scene at 0:58 to me? Please?
- completely pointless explosion at 1:07 was jokes. It's like the simpsons when shit explodes randomly during an episode
- dude means business with that side trot at 1:26! I think it's sick so I'm adding it to my repertoire of deft dance moves
- bahahaha dude looks like he's yelling at the booty at 1:38. Probably cause there's not enough meat on it. Should've hired some ghetto girls homie.
- epic amateur dance battle at 1:47
- expression on dude doing the crotch push move face at 1:56 is priceless. *Edit: I actually thought he was going to get his balls caught in the elevator doors when they closed. AND WHATS UP WITH HIS SANDALS?????????? BAHAHAHAHA!!!
- why the fuck is he on the toilet at 3:17?!
- he is dead serious about this video!
- more dance battles at the end?! LOL

I watched this video so many times today I melted the repeat button. I think I know the lyrics now. They need to make this korea's national anthem pronto

Awesomesauce

Frank Breaker

Stupid Expressions

Here is a list of stupid expressions/colloquialisms I've heard various people say in and around my office this month

Don't trust him as far as I can throw him (my mom)

What the fuck does this even mean? Basically if I have one friend who's very skinny and a liar and one friend who's fat and honest, whomever I can throw furthest is the one I should trust more?? How does my ability to pitch another human being relate to their degree of trustworthiness?

Shit eating grin (my accountant)

Shit eating grin????? You mean people who smile a lot eat shit? What about a piss drinking smirk? I don't need to be that happy...

As happy as a pig in shit (my mom - this is her favorite expression)

More shit? Again I honestly don't need to be that happy.

Put hair on your chest (my dad)

Is this supposed to mean consuming whatever horrible shit they are referring to will make you more masculine? Like if I convince a girl to take a shot of cheap whiskey she'll become more macho and grow a mustache?

He once said this to my mom. I laughed so hard I puked a bit

Live one day at a time (my mom)

No shit sherlock.

Avoid the highways and take the "surface streets" (my accountant)

“Surface streets?” As opposed to what? The underground streets? The floating streets? Whether we’re talking highways, roads, streets, boulevards, etc the common attribute they all share is they are all on the surface of the earth.

The early bird gets the worm (my mom)

So what - the later bird can't get a worm too? Bullshit. I'm coming into work late today.

Dead as a doornail (my mom)

When was the door nail alive?????????

Handy as a fistful of of assholes (my accountant)

Depending on who's holding them, a fistful of assholes can be very handy indeed.


Colder than a witch's tit (my dad's friend)

Witches are mean people so who cares about what's going on with their frosty tatas?

You can't have your cake and eat it too (my mom)

I'll eat my cake if I want to goddamnit! Try and take my cake from me you bastards.

It's not like I'm going to go to a restaurant, order me some cake, and tell the waiter to "EAT IT" as soon as it arrives... For real this expression sucks. How about you can't have your taco bell and a toilet too?


Blowing smoke up his ass (my dad)

There's no way anyone's blowing ANYTHING up my ass.

It's raining cats and dogs (my mom)

Say what?

Frank Breaker

Ask Frank

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

HOW DO YOU STEAL A BRIDGE???????

Apparently it's easy. This is smooth:

Thieves in the Czech Republic manage to steal a 10 ton bridge in broad daylight

"The thieves said they had been hired to demolish the bridge, and remove the unwanted railway track to make way for a new cycle route," said railroad spokesman Pavel Halla."They used a crane to pick up the large pieces and put them into trucks. Then they just drove away."

At one point during the heist the cops questioned the crooks, but after seeing their "official" railway service paperwork they let them continue. Hahahahaha not only did these heroes make off with the bridge they also boosted 650 feet of railway track!

"It was only after they had gone that checks were made and we realized we'd been had. The cost of replacing the bridge will run into the millions," said Halla.

The most fucked up part is this has happened before in the same area - in 2008 some crooks stole a four ton railway bridge. For real that is straight up madness! How do you get robbed of something that massive? And two times at that?

And how do you sell it? Ebay?

 ...

I guess the most logical solution is that they chopped it up and sold it as scrap. Nevertheless I am typing "bridge" in ebay's search. Maybe I can get one on the cheap to put in my yard.

Frank Breaker

*Edit: Maybe they can come to montreal and steal the champlain bridge?

The ufo is real - the truck is the decoy

Looks like a repo job to me... I guess even aliens can't escape the bad economy.

Frank Breaker

Stick figure decals

This is going on the back of my jeep pronto.

Frank Breaker

My new meme

My new meme - You Only Win Once.

YOWO schwarzenegger.

Frank Breaker

Bible Stories Retold by Yours Truly

Noah's Ark

One day god noticed the peeps he had made had become "evil" - there were crooks stealing everything that wasn't nailed down, people boxing in the streets, war, pestilence, all kinds of unprotected sex being had, human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together, mass hysteria, etc (by the way you get 10 cool points if you know what that last part is from). Instead of dealing with all the fuckery from the get go, god waited till the last minute before deciding to wipe everything off the face of the earth. Everything was supposed to go in a gigantic flood except for this one really old dude named noah. God spoke to noah from the sky and noah was like who and where are you? After taking some time to establish gods identity god told noah about his plan to destroy the world. Noah didn't believe god at first he was like word? You're going to drown everyone for real? For real for real? 

God told him to build an ark for his family in preparation. Noah didn’t know what the fuck an ark was so god told him it was just a massive cruise ship (by the way what about everyone else who had boats? did they all died?). He also told noah to go out and collect a pair of each animal, male and female as well as food for everybody. God confessed to noah that noah wasn’t his first choice - he had asked 17 other dudes and they all told him to go fuck himself. Apparently they could all tread water really well. Noah was old as shit and couldn’t swim good so he was in. Noah and his family began the arduous task of building the ark. Noah went out and started collecting the animals and food. It took a really long time cause all of the captured animals were all eating each other. Eventually noah realized he needed to build cages.

After they entered the ark, rain fell on the earth for a long ass time. The water flooded the earth for a hundred and fifty days and every living thing on the face of the earth was deaded. As the water began to evaporate the ark came to rest on a mountain. Noah and his family continued to wait a year for the ground to dry before they came out. Immediately noah built an altar and worshipped god by burning some of the animals he saved. The sick bastard was pleased with the offerings and promised to never again destroy the earth. Note: as a black dude I am grateful he didn't burn the chickens - I love chicken.

The end.

Padre Breaker

Breaker's Greetings

Frank Breaker

Frank Breaker

Breaker's Greetings

Frank Breaker

Breaker's Greetings

Frank Breaker

Breaker's Greetings

Frank Breaker

Breaker's Greetings

Frank Breaker

Breaker's Greetings

Frank Breaker

Breaker's Greetings

Frank Breaker

Breaker's Greetings

Another greeting card by yours truly

Frank Breaker

Breaker's Greetings

I dislike greeting cards. They're all the same - expensive as fuck mass produced pieces of shit with bullshit messages that most of the time don't really convey what you really feel. I've decided to start making my own.

Here's my first one

Feel free to print it out and use it.

Frank Breaker

Frank Breaker Words of Advice # 1

Frank Breaker

Structure found on Mars

A rectangular structure was discovered on Mars after amateur space enthusiasts investigated NASA pictures of the Red Planet. Based on the picture, people have been saying the Mars monolith bears a resemblance to the monoliths left on earth and the moon in Stanley Kubrick's "2001: A Space Odyssey."

It's probably a starbucks.

Or a bank foreclosure sign...



Frank Breaker

Bible Stories Retold by Yours Truly

Genesis one through four

In the beginning, blah, blah blah...
... the first guy on earth was this dude adam. He was bored and lonely so he started messing around with the animals (this is a fact). For the record plowing animals is NEVER a laughing matter (unless you're fucking a hyena). Anyways adam got tired of this fast so he asked god to make him a companion. God told him it would cost him a testicle. Adam wasn't down with that so he asked what he could get for a rib. POW! God took the rib and created a lady named eve. Every day adam and eve would prance around naked smelling the lush flowers in eden and laying on the greeenest of grasses. One day a snake named lucifer ("lucky" for short) came and told them to eat the fruit from a tree that god had already told them they could not eat from. Lucky said why make the tree if you cant eat it's fruit? Eve was like yeah that is some bullshit I'm eating an apple. She hooked up her partner in crime adam with some fruit too. Next thing god showed up and evicted them out of paradise. This was the world's first FAIL.



Adam and eve had trouble getting a new place - no neanderthal would rent to them cause their old landlord (i.e god) refused to give them a good reference. Finally they got a new spot and this point adam had to go out and get a job to make the rent. After some sexing they had 2 kids cain and abel. Eve was a stay at home mom who's busy day was spent doing housework and preparing the evening's dinner for when everyone came home to eat. When she had time she would attend her woman's club meetings (consisting of 1 member). One day after the kids got older god held a contest to see who could win his love through offerings. Cain offered god fruit that he grew and abel offered a dead sheep.


As it turns out god likes his meat so abel won the contest. Cain was a bad loser and he killed abel in a hissy fit. It was the first premeditated murder. When god found out he told cain to collect his his shit and get the fuck out of dodge. Cain headed for the hills and became the first redneck.

The end.

Pastor Breaker

Another Epic Encounter

Awesomesauce

Frank Breaker

Ikea Man Style

I will admit I have had a couple successful ikea ventures on separate occasions - my kitchen table which I got on liquidation and my living room table which I got 50% off. The few experiences I had after that were disasters. The last piece of furniture I bought from there was my bed. I hate putting ikea shit together. Luckily the bed came partially assembled making it much less complicated. I put the thing together on the floor (as it said to do) CORRECTLY. The first night we slept on it the fucking thing imploded on itself. Now I know this wasn't my fault - I had made sure everything was secured tightly and put together as directed. I guess that's what happens with furniture that is held together by wooden pegs (budget dowels), a handful of cheap screws and compressed wood. EDIT: what's up with compressed wood? Its is sawdust and bits of left over wood mixed with glue! It's like the "hot dog" of timber products... Cheap ass shit. We're damn lucky ikea doesn't make planes otherwise the bottoms of aircraft would fall out and the skies would be raining people. Anyways we ended up sleeping on the floor that night and the next day I used real screws and screwed that bastard bed together like it's never been screwed before. You would think the country that had vikings would make stronger shit! The ikea furniture dream was over for me. Cheap ass trash...

Fast forward 5 years. The other day Biz suggested we make an ikea run. I actually needed to get on of those wall magnets for holding knives and I heard ikea had them on the cheap so I agreed to go with. There was only one condition - we do it "man style". Instead of being forced to navigate that bullshit labyrinth we rebel and cut through the rarely used passages that connect various rooms. I mean what kind of store actually intentionally controls foot traffic by painting lines and arrows on the floor? The only things missing are a herding dog and a branding iron! Anyways the plan was simple get in, grab what we needed and get out (it was like the plan the marines had in that movie aliens). That way our ikea shopping experience time would be shaved down to10 minutes and 38 seconds which would be awesome considering the fact that ikea is normally so jam packed that the closest parking spot we would probably find would be 20 minutes away on other side of the 40 (highway).

So at 6pm we decided to roll through. Bonus - We actually found parking close to the entrance! I think the rain kept everyone away... I swear it was raining so hard I saw a cruise ship sinking by the side of the road. After finding the wall unit corner of the ikea madness biz finds something that peaks his interest.

Biz: "I like this one."
Me: "You sure your tv is going to fit?"
Biz: "Let's find out."

Bam! Out of biz's shitty cargo pants pocket come a retractable measuring tape. I've said it before and I'll say it again - this guy is a seasoned pro! He stretched it across the tv opening quickfast. No dice the opening wasn't wide enough for his 46" tv (elitist). After talking it over with a nice mega flamboyant sales clerk he finally found what he was looking for.


Out comes the golf pencil and order form to mark down the wall unit's location in the warehouse. Biz was confident we had all the information we needed. We cut through the passage way passing the cul - de - sac ikea restaurant.

Biz: Should we stop and eat?
Me: Fuck no.

We proceeded to the warehouse to find the item. Fucking bozo biz didnt write the aisle and bin numbers down correctly so we were walking around blind. Finally we find a computer and get the correct information. We grabbed biz's boxes and on our way to the check out biz decides to hit up the liquidation room. At first it looked like nothing but garbage (like that star wars deathstar trash compactor scene) until we got to the back. POW! We hit pay dirt. Tucked in the corner was biz's wall unit fully assembled and 50% off. After paying for the thing we realized we had to take it apart in the store. They gave biz 3 different sized allen keys to do the job. Incidentally why does every piece of furniture which requires assembly come with allen keys? I hate those fucking things. They aren't large enough for you to apply any serious force plus they hurt! The edges dig into your hand as you turn them leaving you with stigmata - esque injuries. Fuck that noise. I went to my car to get my drill. On my way out the door I overheard this dude arguing in french with his wife

Lady: "See that wasn't too long."
Dude: "I'm tired of goddamn furniture. I don't ever want to see furniture again."

Amen brother. I got my drill but decided waste time in my car so I wouldn't have to help biz dismantle (I know he's going to read this but I don't give a shit). I waltzed back in after 10 minutes and to my disappointment biz had made very little progress. We used my drill for a while then the battery died so I put it back in its case and set it down. 5 minutes later I notice this old dude sauntering over to the area where my drill was. He picked up the case and started to walk away with it

Me: "What the fuck put it down!"
Old Dude (in a thick accent): "Sorry I just wan boro it."
Me: "What?"
Old Dude: "I just wan BORRO it."
Me: "No."

Old dude walks away.

Me: "What the fuck was that?"
Biz: "Goddamn gypsies. Always lurking."

Finally we we get the thing dismantled. Biz left all the wooden pegs in it so they wouldn't get lost.


As we were about to leave the same old dude comes back over and starts pulling the pegs out of biz's wall unit.

Biz: "YO! What the fuck are you doing?"
Gypsy: "This must take out or they break. I help you."
Biz: "Get out of here!"

Old dude walks away.

Biz: "Fucking gypsies!"

At this point biz leaves me to keep watch over his treasure while he gets his car. 2 minutes later all I hear is squealing tires and see a car zooming through the ikea parking lot at break neck speed.


It was biz.

^^^HERO^^^

We loaded his wall unit and broke the fuck out.

The end.

Frank Breaker

Another Epic Encounter

Awesomesauce

Breakasaurus Rex

Fucking jehovah's witnesses are back at it

A flyer exactly like this was in my mailbox a couple days ago.


Jehovah's witnesses... The universal, annoying as fuck religion. I think everyone hates them (including other jehovah's witnesses). I mean their religious doctrine says only 144000 people will be getting into heaven right? There must be a lot of cutthroat competitiveness between members trying to ensure they get their pie in the sky. Also if they do indeed believe only 144000 are getting tickets off of this rock why would they go door to door trying to recruit new members?? You don't tell 50 people about the big show if there's only 3 seats left dude. Fucking bozos.



Anyways getting rid of them can be difficult. Trust me. Telling them you're agnostic, atheist or even a satanist doesn't work. They live for the holy thrill of conversion... Well I have the solution for you - if you want them to leave you alone you have to act bat shit crazy. Fight fire with fire! My theory: one lunatic cancels out another. Example 1 - my old roommate got accosted by one of them in the hallway of our building. While the loon was preaching my roommate kept looking around the guy. Then he stared the dude right in the eye and with a straight face asked him he had any virgins handy. Dude took off faster than an olympic sprinter with diarrhea...
Example 2 - a couple years ago one of them approached me outside my house and asked me if I wanted to attend a prayer meeting. I said no. Then he asked me if I wanted him to pray for me. I asked him in a low pitched voice how was he supposed to pray for me when I desperately needed cans of tuna fish for my water bottles? Then I asked him if he had any tuna fish on him. They never came to my door again.



So now they've resorted to leaving flyers in my mailbox??? Not on my watch. I have to nip this shit in the bud pronto. I think I'll go to the meeting advertised above and pass out my own flyers.



After that madness they'll stop hassling me for shizzle.

Frank Breaker

Interview of yours truly published in the march 2012 issue of "Modern Gentleman" magazine

Etiquette Of A Gentleman

In times past, a gentleman was much appreciated and being gentlemanly was a noble thing.
One only needs to take a quick glance around to notice that there are very few true gentlemen remaining among us. I happen to have the opportunity to interview such a man today - advice columnist Franklin Delano Breaker has been identified as a man of good breeding and taste and it will be refreshing to hear what he has to say.

Modern Gentleman: Every woman seeks to meet a true gentleman right?

Frank Breaker: A gentleman need not reveal himself. With that said, I wish you good day madam. Just kidding. Um yeah I suppose so.

Modern Gentleman: Are you a slave to good etiquette?

Frank Breaker: I'm sorry what? I wasn't listening... who's that chick over there?

Modern Gentleman: That's the coffee girl.

Frank Breaker: Can she interview me instead of you? No offence but your lazy eye is distracting.

Coffee Girl: Let's see. The next question they have here is... ok do you believe in chivalry?

Frank Breaker: You mean when a dude holds the door open for chicks and stuff? Absolutely. Now let me ask you a question - can I borrow 5 bucks quickfast? I think that dude is selling food.

Coffee Girl: Haha. You're funny!

Frank Breaker: Okay... I guess that's a no.

Coffee Girl: This one's a bit naughty. What color boxers do you have on right now?

Frank Breaker: None.

Coffee Girl: None isn't a colo... Oh.

Frank Breaker: You know what's up! Awesomesauce.

Coffee Girl: Yes I do haha! Ok um... do you ever watch pornography?

Frank Breaker: Where are you going with this you cheeky monkey? Do I ever watch pornography? No! I'm insulted you would even ask that.

Coffee Girl: Um...

Frank Breaker: Just kidding. Dude I have so much porn on my laptop it's too heavy for me to lift by myself.

Coffee Girl: What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Frank Breaker: Unsliced bread. No wait! Tits. Yeah tits. Before and after sliced bread.

Coffee Girl: All those fraud cases against your brother, are they true?

Frank Breaker: What in god's worth are you talking about?

Coffee Girl: Sorry wrong card. Do you enjoy your celebrity star status?

Frank Breaker: What? I don't have a celebrity status. Are you drunk? That card doesn't say that does it? Let me see.

Coffee Girl: No.

Frank Breaker: Let me see!

Coffee Girl: Let go of me!

Frank Breaker: Dude! These cards are blank! What's wrong with you?

Coffee Girl: ...

Frank Breaker: I think I want the other girl back please.

Modern Gentleman: Well, well, well. Did you have fun?

Frank Breaker: Shut up with your droopy undroopy eyelids. Let's finish this please.

Modern Gentleman: Rude! Okay... Do you have any pets?

Frank Breaker: Yes. I have a dog.

Modern Gentleman: Do you ever speak to your dog?

Frank Breaker: I try but I don't speak Spanish. And since he doesn't speak English most of the time we just end up staring at each other.

Modern Gentleman: Do you work out?

Frank Breaker: Nope. The body you see here is a product of Jamaican patties and Gin. I'm actually quite lazy. For example I actually have a back up remote for my tv just in case I misplace the first one and don't feel like looking for it.

Modern Gentleman: Do you like children?

Frank Breaker: I love chicken.

Modern Gentleman: Not chicken. Children!

Frank Breaker: Oh. Yeah children are alright. I was a children once and I liked me.

Modern Gentleman: Do you have any special skills?

Frank Breaker: Well let's see... I'm really good at driving in reverse.

Modern Gentleman: That's like saying you're not good at much.

Frank Breaker: This interview is over. Fuckface.





Frank Breaker*Self Proclaimed Gentleman